Well, well, well. It feels good to be back.
Took a hiatus from this site to focus on being a camp counselor (yeah that's right, they let me work with children) and move myself back into my beloved home at Rutgers University.
My final year, the last call, the cherry on top of the pile of human shit.
21, broke, average-looking, white, Jewish- this is going to be the greatest year of my life. For those whom are in the similar situation as me, you know what I'm talking about.
This is the apex of everything I've wanted in college- in life itself. Do you know how great it is to get out of class at 6pm on a Wednesday and just say, "fuck it; I'm gonna buy a six-pack and get buzzed while I watch Rick and Morty."
Why do I do this? Because I can. This is the last year of my life that I can be inappropriately intoxicated on a regular basis and there are NO CONSEQUENCES. Do I have a wife or children to care for? Do I have a family that loves me? Do I have ANY responsibilities other than wiping my anus and brushing my teeth?
Absolutely not. Sometimes I even get those last two mixed up.
Living back in the Fraternity house is always a great reminder of how disgusting the human body truly is. Classes haven't been going on for a full week and there's already been vomit in my shower twice.
You forget just HOW disgusting New Amsterdam is until you drink it with Natty Ice as a chaser. I also forgot HOW disgusting Natty Ice is. The only way to actually enjoy a Natty Ice is if its so cold that the beer has turned into a slushy-like substance and there are chunks of actual ice IN the can.
Hence, Natty ICE.
God that beer is fucking horrible.
Anyway, we've done some remodeling of the house and by that I mean we've made a 'guest room.' The 'guest room' is an old mattress with pee stains on it covered by some bed sheets that we (found???) in a closet that hasn't been opened since 2006. My buddy Jimmy, a 23-year old alcoholic who blacks out regularly, has claimed it as his room, for good reason.
Among other things, I placed a box of tampons under the sink of the 2nd floor bathroom and left a sign above the toilet bowl advertising for THIS WEBSITE with a note that says, "new tampons under sink i love you."
It has been a great hit.
I wish I could provide pictures but as I type this I am actually in the computer lab at Rutgers because my Mac refuses to turn on. It does this awesome thing where the screen will start up and then it will freeze as it turns on. It's really great. I hope they keep this feature on the new models.
Supposedly they monitor people while they're using these computers so I hope nobodies watching when I write this-
SHIT FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK. CAITLYIN JENNER SEX TAPE ANAL FUCK SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. AFRICAN CHILDREN.
Hope the guy next to me also doesn't decide to 'monitor' this computer. Actually, I don't need to worry. He's Chinese. He has no idea what an 'African Children' is.
Okay so, literally as I just typed that last sentence a black RU Computer Lab employee walked over and I was genuinely very fucking nervous. We good though, he was just pushing in a chair.
What are they even gonna say to me, "sir, your typing is very offensive?" Like yes, I know- did you read the banner of the fucking website? This is a place for people to laugh whilst they shit. This is not a PG website.
This site was actually blocked on my old high school library computers because I say 'nipples' and 'anal' so often that the security system thought it was a porn site. True story. Shout out Manalapan.
I am literally never going to get a job as a teacher. I don't even know how I was a camp counselor. Jesus Christ.
In addition to being an alcoholic, for those that don't know already I have been doing Open Mic Stand Up at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick. I'll be there next Wednesday, September 13th. Not trying to plug it or anything. Nope. Don't come.
But, doing the Stand Up thing has been going pretty well and I enjoy doing it. Maybe one day I won't have to worry about this website existing and I won't have to work with children. Instead I'll just talk like this on a stage surrounded by depressed adults and say 'nipples' regularly.
I've also stuck with the MMA stuff and signed up for the UFC gym in North Brunswick about 15 minutes from Rutgers. Pretty lit and pretty exciting and maybe one day I'll finally not be an out of shape fuck.
Oh and for any listeners or fans of my Podcast, I decided to give it up. Frankly, it took a lot of effort for a very minimal gain and though I continue to talk to myself for hours and hours about unnecessary bullshit, I will subside from sharing it relentlessly on the internet.
Maybe one day the Not That Great Podcast will make its return. But, for now, I will stick with the blog.
I leave you now with a picture of a platypus because someone asked me how I don't believe in God recently and this was the first thing that came to mind.