Anyway, I had the PLEASURE of working THE SHITTIEST high school graduation just a day ago. I will spare you the farce details and refrain from slapping my penis in rage as I recount the horrid hours I was in the shit hole of Southern New Jersey.
Needless to say, as I watched these virgins throw their caps in the air and rejoice in bittersweet celebration of their final High School days, I thought go my own and wished to share some wisdom with the graduating class of 2016.
For those of you in my home town, you are the LAST generation of high school students I am familiar with! Congrats! I don't know anybody younger than you that isn't legally related to me!! You guys r somewhat more important!!!!!!!
This also means that I am officially becoming an old piece of shit because I now no longer have a valid excuse to go to my old high school football games. The team is a steaming pile of shit now anyway, but you know, if I ever wanted to go, I have no bullshit excuse.
I really miss that racist Indian mascot we had, though. RIP bro.
Anyway, here is some advice and some words of wisdom from a hairy, former High School Graduate like myself.
First and foremost, High School is fucking gay. Seriously. The first 2 weeks of college will make you realize how fucking awful sitting around in random peoples' basements were. You'll quickly realize that all the sentimental value you added to those dirty brick walls surmount to a pile of excrement.
(That means poopy)
Waking up at 6AM everyday? Fuck that shit.
The earliest I ever had to wake up for class was 9:50 - and that was just because I got dicked over with a shitty first semester schedule. After that, waking up became something to do at 12:30 or later usually with a raging hangover and wondering where the hell my roommate is.
Bedtime? Of course you haven't really had one since you were 10, but you and I both know that if you didn't fall asleep before 11 you were going to spend the first 2 periods of school questioning why the Godless whores of the educational board don't start school at a later time.
Nothing is worse than getting 2 hours of sleep and then having to listen to some old Jewish lady explain Geometry to you. Trust me, I was there. And in college, you may have that same problem, but nobody is going to hunt you down and castrate you if you just sleep in.
Secondly, everyone comes up with this theory when they graduate high school that 'everybody is friends now.'
No ur not lol
I'll tell you right now- you're going to finish your graduation and have those few minutes where it's just you and your class together on the field- and it'll be the last time EVER that all of you will be together.
It may sound kind of sad, but when you soon realize you don't have to see the same over zealous couples sexually assault each other in the halls, overhear the dumb conversations of the socially inept, or pretend to like the pretentious Daddy's girl in AP Psych, you'll realize this is a blessing to be done with this shit.
You're going to tell tons of people in your class, "I'll hit you up over the summer man!"or "I'll definitely keep in touch!"
No u won't lol
After the summer before your first year in college, maybe you will see a FEW of those people. All you'll talk about is the few memories you may have had in high school. Then you'll diarrhea yourself.
The summer after that, you probably won't even see them again. You probably will diarrhea, though.
And by the time you're my age, you realize that in High School- neigh, in life- you really only have a very particular and select group of friends. Everyone else is ugly and irrelevant. Many of them get pregnant. Some of them turn gay.
All of them are useless and on a long journey to the middle.
At least you're with me now, reader.
I write this post not to diss my Manalapan brethren, but to educate y'all on the truth that you have much more of life to live and this chapter of your life was, indeed, a shitty one.
I will leave you all now with a picture of a stock photo of an Asian lady.
Cuntgratulations Class of 2016