The Not That Great Podcast

Hey assholes. Check out my new podcast here:

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Atheistjustin, Single Father

My dad and step mom went away for a week on vacation. They needed someone to watch the kids for a few days. So, for a few designated days, I was a single father.

I got them up (or they woke me up), got them dressed, made them breakfast, drove them to school, picked them up, made dinner, changed diapers, and put them to bed.

I now understand why alcoholism exists.

Without heavy amounts of caffeine or alcohol, this mission would have been impossible- undoable.

But, I persevered and successfully filled the role as a single-dad for 2 whole days. While doing this, I managed to film some of it and compile it into one video.

If you're not a Facebook friend of mine for whatever reason, here's a YouTube link.

Take a look to watch a 19 year-old parent over a 7 year-old and a 2 year-old.



Sadly, there is no footage of the story I'm about to tell you.

My brother, Christopher, often called Topher or Tis, is 2. He's a dick.

My dad told me, before he left for vacation, that my brother usually doesn't shit at night and instead just pees.

He was wrong.

The first morning I woke up at 5:13am. Chris came over to me, finding me sleeping on the couch, and lied with me for an hour or so. I changed his diaper which was, indeed, just pee.

This did not happen again the next morning.

The following morning, this asshole woke me up by smacking me in the face. Hard.

I initially woke up in fear, ready to kill whoever was disturbing my slumber. Realizing it was a 2 year-old toddler, I apprehended my fist and put him on my chest to lie down.

Then I smelled something
A vile smell.
A horrible, disgusting scent came to my nose and I was screwed.

I've changed diapers before and I thought it wouldn't be that bad.
It was.

He shit everywhere. All over the diaper- his onesie- fucking everywhere.

I managed to wipe him down and take everything off, using about 68 wipes and 3 diapers. There was literally shit on his head. ON HIS HEAD.

HOW DOES YOUR ASSHOLE SECRETE SHIT ONTO YOUR OWN HEAD????

After I got everything off him, I put him on the ground for a second. This was a mistake.

Apparently there was still shit on his foot. On his foot. He stepped on the carpet and now there was a shit-foot print.

I screamed "DON'T MOVE" and ran to the kitchen to find carpet cleaner. I couldn't. So I used laundry detergent and paper towels to clean up the shit foot.

I can only assume it was enough.

Finally I cleaned up the shit storm and eventually my sister woke up. I went to make them breakfast and put eggo waffles in the toaster. I walked away for 2 minutes and when I came back THE FUCKING POWER WAS OUT AND NOTHING IN THE KITCHEN WAS WORKING.

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE COFFEE YET. FUUUUUUUCK.

I asked my little sister if she knew where the fuze box was and she's 7 so you can already figure out her answer.  I searched around the house for like 10 minutes until finally finding it. Where? HER ROOM.

Fucking kids.

I flipped all the switches 15 times and there was beeping from the phone lines- screaming from the kids- and hysterical sobbing from me.

FINALLY- I found a switch marked 'kitchen' and flipped it off and on until by the sweet grace of Jesus' Nipple Hairs all the power came back on.

It wasn't even 7am.

I'm getting a vasectomy.


1 comment:

  1. I have never laughed so hard in my entire life!! Good job, Steeny!!

    ReplyDelete

Who IS Atheistjustin?

My photo
I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.