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Friday, November 13, 2015

Atheistjustin Starts Getting Paid by You Pieces of Shit

Hello fellow assholes,

Being that I am now a 19-year old piece of shit, I am over 18 and technically an 'adult.' I still don't know how to adequately get a dentist appointment and my mom had to pick me up from college when I had a 103 degree fever, and I pissed my pants a few weeks ago- but fuck you, I'm an adult.

Anyway, because I'm an adult- and a poor piece of shit- I found out I can put ads on the side of this blog and make a few dollars off of all my delicious readers. How does this affect you? It doesn't. Fuck you.

But, I will be 'cleaning' my blog a little bit. Being that I've had this fucking website since I was about 15, I am sure that many of my blog posts are probably too personal and possibly incriminating- or they're just written really, really badly. Either way, your boy has some cleaning to do.

So, if you have any desire in stalking my old self, you may want to do so quickly before I edit some of the older blogs.

However, in this venture, I actually found a blogpost I never hit the 'publish' button for and that can be found below this post. You can read all about my wonderful summer job working the overnight shifts at 'blah-blah.'

Anyway, even if I make 8 cents from this fucking blog, that's still 8 cents I can say I made doing something I love: complaining over the internet and telling people to suck my ass.

I love you all and thank you for remaining dedicated readers for something like 4 years. God Bless America. Actually, I don't believe in God so never mind. Instead, I will leave you with a picture of a young me.



Fuck that cake. 


Atheistjustin Works The Overnight Shifts


Here's a post I wrote a while ago when I was working Overnight Shifts at a local convenience store.

Suck my dirty dick and have a laugh.



On the very first day of work, they tell you not to talk about it on social media. They tell you horror stories of how people who have mentioned company names have lost their jobs or been sued for defacing company images.

I'm not a little bitch though.

I, myself, tweeted about how Tilly's was the only store 13-year old Jewish girls and Mexicans would get together to buy Neff t-shirts and skinny jeans. Somehow this was deemed 'offensive' though Mexicans DO love Neff. I'm not quite sure why, but the Latino community really seems to be into t-shirts with cartoons of emo smiley faces.

They also like speaking in Spanish. I am also unsure of this reason.

I ended up getting fired from Tilly's but fuck that shit hole.

I'm going to break this rule again for this blog post and talk to you about my job.

Now, before I begin, I will go on record here and say that I enjoy my job- about as much as anybody can enjoy a job. Would I rather not spend 8-10 hours there? Of course. Would I rather sit around and get paid to masturbate and talk shit about people I don't like? Of course. That's my dream job: a comedian.


For legal and protective purposes I will refer to my company of employment as "Blah-Blah."

Blah-Blah is a great company and has genuinely impressive benefits for its employees. Blah-Blah offers healthcare, a solid 401k plan, and even an opportunity to invest in the company's private stock.

As a matter of fact, the perks of working at Blah-Blah are so good it makes me consider dropping my dream job of becoming a professional masturbator.

The people I work with are great and are genuinely enthusiastic about going to work. I have a pretty great set of bosses and even though I think one of them has attempted murder to me, I enjoy working with them.

However, there is one aspect of this job I do not enjoy- as a matter of fact I would venture to say that I dislike this aspect. Actually, I fucking hate this horse shit.

Overnight shifts.

Between the odd hours of the night, Blah-Blah continues to operate. Here is where things get interesting.

Perhaps the most fabulous part of Blah-Blah is that it is a place that people actually enjoy going to. As opposed to my previous job, which was run by a human being with the intelligence of a ringworm, people come into Blah-Blah all the time.

All. The. Fucking. Cocksucking. Piece of shit. Whore. Asshole. Time.

People that I know come in. People that I don't know come in. People that I vaguely remember from high school come in.

I think that's the best part of overnights. Sometimes, it'll be 3 in the morning and some random person who barely graduated high school will stumble in.

Often at times I find myself asking, "how the fuck are you still alive?"

On a sidenote, it is good to see that these people are not dead.

On a sidenote-sidenote, I am genuinely surprised.

It's almost depressing to see what happens to people after high school. You know what they become? Nothing. Some of them get pregnant. Some of them die. Most of them becoming boring and watching their snapchat stories are more depressing and saddening than an Edgar Allan Poe short story.

That's right. You are all nothing. I am amazing. I am motherfuckin atheistjustin. Bitch, I am a writing, blogging, music recording, slut-slaying, shit-talking, Jew-speaking, life-living, entertaining God amongst men and even though I am making your sandwich behind the deli of Blah-Blah whilst wearing rubber gloves I am still your motherfucking Lord.

Bow down before me bitches.

Also, shouts out to the African gentleman with the sweet Afro who told me he reads my blog. You are handsome. I can't believe black people read this piece of shit website.

Moving on, overnights are a challenging shift. Mainly because you are supposed to be working at a time period where everyone you know is asleep and the sun won't rise for several hours. The only people who may come into your workplace at this hour are either going to kill you or purchase some odd items.

Working an overnight shift is like being a prostitute: you're up all night, you're working weird hours, you have to deal with weird people, and at some point in the night you're going to get fucked in the ass.

The usual customers for these shifts include: intoxicated young adults, high people, murderers, robbers, homeless people, delivery guys, truck drivers, and a Chinese tai-kwan-do master who practices Tai-Chi at 4:45am every day.

The sheer amount of tasks that are done during this time is actually baffling and the shift does go by fast. But it does get incredibly irritating when you have to stop what you're doing because some guy named "Fuckboy" came into the store high as shit and really wanted a chicken quesadilla.

Also people, stop getting your sandwiches toasted. First of all, it completely ruins the sandwich. Why the fuck do you want your turkey to be hot? What the fuck is wrong with you?

If you get mayonnaise on your sandwich and toast it, you are not someone we need on this planet. 

Though, because the hours are odd, the people who come in are odd and often leave me with a nice little story. 

One man came in, drunk as shit, and told me about how Obama is trying to kill off all the jews after he noticed my Hebrew tattoo on my arm. 

It was truly amazing.

Another guy came in once and asked me if I knew how to get a divorce. First of all sir, I am an 19-year old working the overnight deli at blah-blah. Why the fuck would I know more about divorce than you? Also, why are you here at 4 in the morning wondering about divorces?

One of my favorite situations was when a girl came into Blah-Blah so high that I had to order her macaroni and cheese for her. She was unable to click buttons. I would like to point out that she drove a vehicle down a high way to get to my store. She later operated this piece of heavy machinery again when she left the store.

How she did not die I am unaware, but good job. 










Friday, November 6, 2015

Atheistjustin Talks About His Job

Looks like its another bullshit night in suck city aka a night where I will be in my dorm wearing underwear and socks as I jerk off aimlessly and watch Netflix documentaries on whale intercourse because my roommate decided to visit his girlfriend in Quinnipiac and "get laid."

Did I spell the name of that school right?

Who gives a shit.

This isn't the first nor will it be the last time I have nothing to do and instead of being productive and doing school work, I'd rather beat off to amateur bukkake and write an angry blogpost to make white people say, "LOL" to other whites.

Fuck you. LOL.

Whatever.

Anyway, I just busted a nut and now I'm angry. This usually is what happens after orgasming- you can ask all of my ex girlfriends.

On a side note, I took some time today to realize that most of my ex girlfriends have blocked me on twitter, Facebook, instagram, and snapchat but at the end of the day I jizzed in your mouth so whose the real winner here?

Girls, you can talk shit about me, block me, make fun of me with your girlfriends, or do whatever else you want- but you can never unsuck my dick.

Hi mom, bet you're really glad you opened up this blog post!

Sometimes the hardest part about having this blog is knowing that I shouldn't advertise it on social media because my parents will probably read it. But at the same time I'm a 19-year old grown ass adult and my penis has been places.

Hi Grandma.

So, anyway, I wanted to tell you all the story of my current occupation. Now, I've already written a small tidbit about my job at a bar where I am the bitchboy who does dishes and cuts lemons, but I want to tell you about my other job.

Hopefully I don't get fired!! :)

I am an assistant gym teacher at a private school.

Is it a good job? No. But sometimes life gives you lemons and you just have to make lemonade. Sometimes life fucks you in the ass with tuition bills and you're not good looking enough to do porn or act or fulfill your dreams so you take up shitty jobs dealing with children and cry yourself to sleep every night with underwear full of semen as your roommate anals his girlfriend- but hey man that's just life.

So, I work with these kids, right. They're about 4-7: so they're the worst possible age. They're the age where they can say things and don't shit themselves, but they're loud and hyper and not cute anymore.

When I first got the job, I thought, "Oh, this will be good because I want to be an English teacher (even though I'm not gonna get hired having this fucking blog) and I love kids."

Here's what I think about it now:

FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.FUCK KIDS.


So you can see, my attitude has changed.

I can only imagine how fun its going to be being a parent.

Children at this age are dirty- just fucking dirty. There's one kid that comes into gym, every single day, brown. He's brown. Not like his skin tone- he's brown covered in dirt and some other fucking shit. His shirt and his face are brown and nobody bothers to clean his ass. He's sticky as fuck. I question how he can walk around like this-like, how does this not bother you? He walks around like a little sticky AIDS virus.

That's just one kid- but here's what its like with ALL of these kids.

When you and I have to blow our nose, we excuse ourselves and blow it out. Now, this may be graphic, but it comes out a nice clear color or maybe a little yellow, right?

Not when you're a fucking 5 year old. No. Instead, they just let that shit sit in there- just sit at the edge of their fucking nostrils and they let their snot oxidize and turn green and it just sits there.

And its gym class, so they get hit and then they cry. And then this fucking green substance pours out of their face like diarrhea from my asshole after too much Hansel & Griddle. The green shit mixes with their tears and their spit and combine together to make a substance that I can only describe to you as, "cum."

It's literally cum.

They walk around with little, tiny, cum faces.

Who has to clean up this cum?

This guy.

It's my main job- basically just to clean the cum-like substance on these tiny little 5-year old faces.

It is a grueling job and the other day I was forced to do it whilst under the pain of a hangover so painful it was equivalent to the earthquakes that shattered Pangea.

There's one little shit face I hate.

I fucking hate this little cocksucker.

His name for all intents and purposes is "Fuckhead" because fuck him.

Fuckhead is a shitty kid. He's just a little shit. He shoves kids, he throws tantrums, and instead of listening to reasoning or listening to me when I speak, he stands still and wails.

His screeches sound like the mixture between the sounds of the Holocaust and the sound of the first plane crashing into the twin towers.

I love my job.

There's no calming this fuckhead down, either. Instead, Fuckhead will just go on a rampage and start throwing over coats and chairs. There's absolutely nothing I can do here. I have 0 power. I am as powerless as an African village.

Do you wanna hear what this little Fuckhead said to me the other day?

Do you want to hear what audacity- what blatant disrespect- what fucking bullshit this little Fuckhead tried to pull on me?

He said to me, "the days you work here are my favorite."

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU.

YOU LYING LITTLE FUCKING SHIT YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKHEAD YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO MANIPULATE ME INTO LIKING YOU BY TELLING ME LIES EVEN THOUGH WE ARE BOTH ACUTELY AWARE THAT IF THERE WERE NO 'LAWS' I WOULD HAVE PUNTED YOU ACROSS THIS FUCKING GYM.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK.


Here's a video of me when I see this kid.




I hope it worked for you. I hope the volume was on full. I hope people overheard it.

Well, it's 10pm and I don't know where my children are but I promise you this, I wish this kid was kidnapped. I wish I never had to see this little Fuckhead ever again.

But, alas, next week I'll probably be at it again.

I will leave you all now with a picture of a fat gay man. Why? Because I'm not creative enough to come up with anything else.










Who IS Atheistjustin?

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.