The Not That Great Podcast

Hey assholes. Check out my new podcast here:

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Atheistjustin Almost Fights An Actual Irishman

Hello readers. Sorry I don't write in this all the time. I have a life.

Just kidding, I'm still masturbating a lot.

Anyway, as you all are probably aware, I am a sophomore at Rutgers University. This school is incredibly unique because of its intense diversity. I truly mean this when I say that Rutgers has a giant  amount of different groups of people.

In all honesty, there are too many groups of people.

There's asians (from Asia), asians (from America), Latinos, blacks, gays, transgenders, orphans, Jews, jehovah's witnesses, europeans, AIDS, people who talk to themselves on the bus, dancers, rapists, and honestly any type of person you can imagine.

Like I said, too many groups. Too many Chinese people.

So, finding an immigrant, or a person from another part of the world, is not uncommon.

It was this past Saturday at Rutgers in which I encountered 3 Irish people. One of whom was looking for a battle.

I was leaving the Michigan State game and though I was surprised my school wasn't decimated into oblivion, I was cold as fuck and my lips were chapped like the vagina lips of Madonna. So I was headed back and about to hop on a bus to get to my campus.

Whilst on line, my former RA (residential assistant) (hall monitor) (she's so beautiful) was behind me. She and I got to chatting and she ended up asking me to sit with her on the bus.

I was amazed she wanted to make words with me and sat down immediately upon her request.

We got off at the stop and she and I continued forward towards Easton Avenue. As we headed in this direction, we passed a bar called The Olive Branch. Currently, I am a part-time associate at this bar and work cleaning and assisting the bartenders. Pretty good gig and it's nice to say that I work in the same bar as my dad.

I'll repeat that again. I work in the same bar as my dad.

I

Work

In

The

Same

Bar

As

The

Man

Who

Fucked

My

Mom

As we passed this bar, 3 people stepped out of it. One was a lady, and the other two were males. The lady saw me and asked, "excuse me where are the bars?" I noticed her accent and asked her where she was  from.

She told me she and her 'mates' were from Ireland. I don't think she was saying that she was going to mate with these men, or in the laymen's term: get railed by these men. I think she meant to say that they were all pals.

(Europeans r gay and weird)

My RA joined in the conversation and said the rest of the bars are on Easton Avenue and they should walk with us since we're headed in the same direction.

The lady and one of the men were drunk- just regular drunk. The third guy, though, was obliterated. This dude was so drunk he was stopping every person on the street and asking them if they had ever seen a real Irishmen before. He said about 40% of his words properly.

I swear to god. He stopped and asked every, single, motherfucking, person.

As we finally (by we I mean myself) got him off of the last two groups of people, he started singing some sort of Irish limerick. The other Irishmen joined in and the obliterated one decided to hug me around the neck, very hard, and continue singing.

I was laughing at them because I didn't really think Irish people sang when they got drunk but holy shit is that a true stereotype. I tried singing one of the Irish limericks my father taught me (anybody whose seen me blackout drunk knows this song), but they were having none of it.

They carried on singing and I thought to myself how I get myself into these situations. I was basically in a headlock in the drunken-arms from a person who was born in Ireland. Does this shit happen to anybody else? Fuck you.

As we were almost at Easton, the obliterated Irishmen let go of me and went over to my Ex-RA. He stopped her and asked if she'd ever seen a real Irishmen before. It was getting weird- like very aggressive.

It was like he was angry and didn't think that she believed him.

Now, I'm not gonna lie, I was scared as shit for my Ex-RA. You see it's a stereotype that men in Ireland beat their wives. If this stereotype is as true as the stereotype of their love to sing, I was fearful for my Ex-RA's face.

I got in the middle and noticed that the 2 other Irish people were walking toward a bar without any acknowledgment of what was happening. What a fucking surprise: the Irish people were making a B-line right to the god damn bar.

I said to him, "hey buddy, your mates are leaving without you!"

He turned around and started stumbling away towards them and my Ex-RA and I went down some side street in order to get far, far away from them.

"Well that went from kind of interesting to extremely frightening."

She laughed and agreed with me and we both acknowledged this as being one of the most odd occurrences in either of our lives.

She ended up going to her girlfriend's house and I left with a kiss on the cheek and a boner in my underwear.

 It was yet another unsuccessful Saturday night in Rutgers University but it was a night I won't forget- and it was a night that Irish guy probably has no recollection of.

I will now leave you a picture of one of the greatest Irish men to ever walk the face of the earth: Liam Neeson.




Sinn Fein, lads.










Who IS Atheistjustin?

My photo
I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.