God damn it's hot in here. My dorm is roughly the size of Anne Frank's attic- or maybe half the size of Kim Kardashian's closet. Its just big enough that me and my roommate, Dylan, can walk in a single-file line and not have to sleep in the same bed. Sophomore year rocks!
I have finished the first week and many of you are probably wondering, "What are you up to?" Others are probably wondering, "does this kid know what a vagina feels like?"
Fucking sweating is what I'm up to. It is hot as FUCK in this fucking room. There's a wonderful little thermostat on the side of the light switch so I can be constantly reminded that its 87 degrees in the fucking dutch oven that I have to live in.
I am only on the second floor of my building and so I have presumed everybody in the floors above me to be dead.
Other than sweating, I've been spending my time beating the shit out of my roommate in FIFA as his skills are nothing in comparison to the hairy-fuck I had last year (Ethan).
My roommie and I are getting along swimmingly- so swimmingly it's like he's not even here. Because, often, for about 80% of the day, he's not here. Maybe I smell bad. Maybe I should put shorts on- or underwear.
My classes this year are variant: some of them are so easy I think all I have to do is show up. Some others look so difficult I thought lubricant should have come along in the syllabus because I am going to get fucked in the ass.
I have taken a course entitled, "Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace," where we will be reading the 1,300 page epic Russian novel. This book is so fucking massive, if I dropped it on a baby the baby would die. It would be a dead baby. Do you understand? My book is not only a giant piece of literature, it is a weapon. I could kill you with my book.
I'm still sweating.
In addition to sweating, masturbating, FIFA, and school work, I have found my penis and I encountering no partners in the social orgy that is this university. Part of it is due to the fact that I am a giant pussy and don't like talking to people- and another part is that Lauren Sager will never love me.
Damn you Lauren, you beautiful child.
Here's a live pic of my roommate as I write this.
Doesn't he looked THRILLED to be living in a cubicle with me? We're going to get so close this year that our penis heads may end up touching- not in a gay way, but because there is such a small amount of room to move in this tiny box of death that our genitals and bodies may collide together.
I swear I'm not gay. Lauren.
Of course there have been parties and dages and events and all other magnificent college activities, but other than standing around jerking off, not much has really come of anything. Perhaps the most exciting event was running into a girl who is a year younger than me.
Its very weird to see the grade below me come into my University. They were once so beneath me, they were once so insignificant and tiny in comparison to me, and now they are my equal. I mean, nobody will ever be as amazing, or long-cocked as me, but they are in the same living space as me.
I'm not sure where I was going with that- but the tip of my penis is really itchy.
Don't worry, there's definitely no STD because the closest my penis has been the walk to my building past the SDT building.
Haha SDT- STD. What an unfortunate name for a sorority.
One fabulous aspect of my new dorm is that I am in a building which has a big lounge. This lounge is used for studying, hanging out, and playing piano.
That's right. There's a fucking piano in the fucking lounge. Why? I don't fucking know.
Seriously: what the fuck is the point of the piano in the lounge?
"Hey guys, I know you're studying for your Calc 3 exam, but do you wanna hear me practice 'Don't Stop Believing?' OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DO LETS GO"
There's one piece of shit asshole cocksucking faggot douschebag loser whore scumbag jerkoff slutface anus who is ALWAYS IN THE FUCKING LOUNGE PLAYING PIANO AND SINGING. SINGING. SINGING IN THE FUCKING LOUNGE.
GUESS WHAT YOU PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE COCKSUCKING FAGGOT DOUSCHEBAG LOSER WHORE SCUMBAG JERKOFF SLUTFACE ANUS, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU SINGING AS I'M ON THE WAY TO MY 9:50. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
One of these days, I am going to go up to him and scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP" but it will be after I have consumed enough alcohol to not care about how uncomfortable it will be once I see him again.
Coincidentally, there is also always a Jewish person in the lounge. He's a yarmulke wearing Jew, not a subtle jew like myself. I have no problem with yarmulke wearing Jews, I just find it very odd that he is always in the fucking lounge.
Whether he's reading a newspaper, playing scrabble, or just staring at the coupon's in the back of the R.U. Grill menu, he's always in their right next to piece of shit asshole cocksucking faggot douschebag loser whore scumbag jerk slutface anus.
Well boys and girls, I will go to rest my soul as I have a 9:50 tomorrow and it is almost 1 am. I will leave you with a picture of Anne Frank.