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Friday, July 24, 2015

Atheistjustin Talks Music

Am I a music critic? No. But I am Jewish and since my people are in control of modern music, that makes me think my opinions have more weight than yours do. So here is a blog post where I talk about music that I like and 5 albums you should listen to.

Look, between you and me, I just want you to know that I care about you. Look, you've been reading these blogs for years. You have taken time out of your sweet vagina-filled life to read words that I assembled in particular order.

This has touched my heart and anus in many ways and I am glad that you can appreciate my humor.

Using both humor and my super-big-giant-penis, I will try and fill your eyeballs and brains with some ideas that may, I don't know, influence you positively in life.

Music is a great force and it is something I truly enjoy. Something about hearing organized noise and poetry is just good for the soul and for the gooch. I am not a doctor, but I am sure there is medical evidence somewhere that the key of C#dim is good for growing ass hairs.

Like most doctors, I base this hypothesis on absolutely no evidence.

By the way, before I give you 5 albums to listen to, I am going to throw my plug in for my own album.

To All The Part Time Lovers is a collection of songs I have written based on females who have let me enter their vaginas and the experiences I have faced as a growing lad.

When I release this, (most likely using soundcloud or some free pussy hipster shit) I will, of course, write a blog more in detail about it. I will probably also Facebook message you so you can take a listen and then judge my singing and make fun of me with your friends.

Shout out to Ethan Siegel aka HairyChestGod.

Without Further Apoo:

1. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles

Have you ever seen an album-ranking done by Rolling Stone or MTV or pretty much anyone? This album is usually number one. If you haven't listened to it, it's probably because you're a black person and nobody has ever encouraged you to listen to the music of old, pasty white people.

This album was made in 1967 and to this day you can hear a song from this album being played, talked about, rehearsed, or sung in a car by a lonely asian boy on any given day at any given time at any given place.

If you haven't listened to it, take an hour of your life to listen to something made almost 50 years ago using 'actual instruments.'

Also think about how hard it was to make this shit. Every flute, trumpet, trombone, drum, bass, guitar, organ, singer, oboe, clavichord, violin, cello, piano, etc. was done using an actual instrument and a real musician who had to fucking play that shit.

This shit wasn't done using ProTools 11 like Drake and Q might be doing. These 'hot ass beats' weren't made from a skinny 36 year old wearing Dr. Dre Beat headphones. This is really good music made by really good musicians and a guy named Ringo.

2. To Pimp A Butterfly by Kendrick Lamar

A lot of people did not like this album because they wanted to hear "Good Kid M.a.a.d. City 2." This album is very different. Kendrick didn't beat around the bush and say, 'Hm... how can I get these white people to start singing my shit.' Instead, Kendrick went into the studio and said, "Fuck you, fuck your face, fuck you if you don't understand me." He also did this very nicely.

Kendrick Lamar used profound and deep poetic lyricism in order to craft not only an album that aggressively spoke volumes about modern and past black culture, but was able to also continue a narrative structure by continuing the phrases, "I remember you was conflicted, misusing your influence..."

I'm sorry if I lost you a little bit in that last paragraph, I'm an English major.

If you got this album, listened to the first 5-6 songs and then quit on it after one listen, you're doing it wrong. In order to really appreciate this album you have to 'listen' to it. That doesn't mean have it on in the background while your parents are in the other room filming bukkake and you're busy trying to block out any noises.

Sit down, give yourself an hour, maybe play some FIFA, maybe take your pants off, and really dive into this lyrical genius.

3. Born Sinner by J. Cole

If you don't already have this album- stop being a pussy and get it.

J. Cole is a name I've heard for a long time but neglected to actually listen to. It wasn't for any particular reason, I just had no motivation to go and listen to new rap at the time. I was probably too busy masturbating.

Cole not only was able to make some sweet bangers and genuinely, tonally appealing songs, but was able to also deliver a message to his listeners speaking against greed and materialism and confessing his own inadequacies and insecurities in relation to his fame, success, and fortune.

Cole uses religion, a thing I am not particularly fond of, to actually serve a good purpose for what may be the first time in human history. Cole creates a chorus, harmonic, and religious undertone which is able to reach demographics beyond the typical rap audience.

This album is a true masterpiece and his following album 2014 Forrest Hill Drive continued a career of stellar music without losing his unique sound and without becoming redundant.

Though the album is long by the end of it you will want there to be more.

4. X by Ed Sheeran

I'm going to admit that I thoroughly enjoy Ed Sheeran. The reason being is that he did not get famous or successful, like most pop singers do, by using his attractiveness or good looks.

Unlike Justin Bieber or Nicki Minaj, Ed Sheeran wasn't able to come out as a 'hot dude' or 'girl with a giant ass' and sell copies by selling sex. Ed Sheeran is ugly and he used to be pretty fat.

Ed Sheeran got famous the good old fashioned way: by having talent. I used to sit and watch his videos of his live performances or recordings and his use of the loop pedal and harmonious, multi-layered, self-made beats are entertaining and impressive.

In this album, Sheeran gets a little sappy and love-dovey at times, which definitely throws me off as a heterosexual man. But some songs like "Runaway" or "Don't" really get me moving, man. They get me in the mood to go out and dance. And then after I finish that dance I'll drive home by myself and go into my room alone and then remember that I'm probably going to die without anybody caring about me so I'll throw on a different record from this album and cry hysterically in the fetal position whilst massaging my own asshole for 36.6 minutes.

So if you haven't checked out this album, I recommend it. Also, I enjoy the "Don't Remix" which features Rick Ross.

Rick Ross and Ed Sheeran made a song together. Again proving my point that there probably is no god.

5. Duke Ellington & John Coltrane by Duke Ellington & John Coltrane

This is an album you probably don't have. I find that not many, if any, people in my area are jazz listeners. I will explain to you, briefly, the importance and power of jazz music.

First of all, you should listen to jazz because it will make you a smarter person. It is music that you listen to when you are relaxing, when you are at ease. When your mind is clear and empty and you have room to think about fucking your ex-girlfriend in the ass, play some jazz.

Ron Swanson doubles as a secret jazz saxophonist, Duke Silver. If that's not enough to get you into jazz, I don't think there's anything I can do to change your mind.

Jazz is an impressive art form because most of it is improvisation and musicians must work together, working off of each other, in order to create a symmetrical, even, and enjoyable sound.

Sometimes this rule of making music sound nice is broken with jazz, especially when you listen to something like John Coltrane's A Love Supreme. But with this album, the melodious and soothing sound of Coltrane's horns are patterned well with Ellington's charming and elegant piano playing.

Heres's what you're going to do with this album.

When you get it, you are going to wait until a night where you are driving home by yourself. Let's make the time of day about dawn, so the sun is setting and you're about to head home after a long day of fisting your uncle's pet fish.

Put on the song, "In A Sentimental Mood" and really drink in the sounds and feelings that are going on here. If you find yourself not enjoying this song or what it's doing to your poorly-sized brain, make sure to steer into the other side of the road and kill yourself you piece of shit.

Of course, this album may not be for you and maybe the collaboration album of these two individuals is a bad place to start with jazz. But I encourage you, reader, to experience jazz at least once.

Well, children, that is all for you today. I will leave you now with a picture of my upcoming album. Make sure you tell all your friends and family. Eat my ass.

Who IS Atheistjustin?

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.