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Monday, January 26, 2015

Atheistjustin Takes A Break To Masturbate

I have to take a shit. I'll come back and finish writing this post after.

Alright I'm back. That shit was so large I actually had to take a shower after. Showering in college is about the saddest experience one could endeavor. It's like standing in a holocaust shower. You're uncomfortable, what's coming out of those pipes probably isn't clean water, and you're wearing flip flops.

Anyway, I haven't written in here in a long time. Mainly because I've been busy masturbating. I've also been busy playing FIFA 15 and scratching my balls.

I also have 2 new delightful step sisters.

While I'm talking about them, I'll explain that one is a little bitch ass bitch who doesn't take no shit and just does whatever she wants. On this blog, we will call her, BitchAssBitch.

The other one is a charming little 15 year old girl who does nothing. She's the greatest thing to happen to my family since the Keurig. I will call her by her real name; TitsMcGee.

TitsMcGee and BitchAssBitch are new editions to my family. I'm sure having 2 vagina'd teenagers in my life will be as much fun as dancing on hot coals and needles while shitting out Hugh Hefner as a 24 inch cock fucks you in the ears and a lone Bass Clarinet plays in the distance.

Blogposts soon to come.

I didn't really talk much about my winter break because it was boring as fuck. The most exciting event was when I hooked up my playstation to my work television.

But now that I am back in college I can talk about getting annihilated and putting my penis in bad places.

Though, I am pretty bad at doing both of those things.

This semester I will be joining a fraternity and if all goes well I won't die. I'm not really a big fan of khakis and polo shirts, but there comes a time in every man's life when he decides to dress like an Indian.

I don't think I'll be allowed to put up what happens to me on here, but I will tell you when I finally achieve frat-level. I am fervently excited and my nipples are hard just thinking about it.

I can't wait for my Brothers to read this.

College has only just begun again and the only thing I have experienced is my asshole shitting at immense rates due to my ingesting of chipotle. I have learned the hard way that my body cannot handle processing 2 burritos.

I should be in jail for what I've done to that bathroom.

In other news, there's a blizzard going on in New Jersey and making a snowman was more fun than the past 3 sexual experiences I've had.

Sweet Olaf.

Shout out to the big breasted Greek ladies that helped me build this. Please let me hit.

Also, I will share with all of my fans some good news: I am taking another creative writing class. However, unlike the last class, instead of short-stories I will be writing screenplays.

That's right Ladies and Gentlemen, your boy J. Hawth$wagboy is going to start writing some insane screenplays. I have a few ideas in mind:

1. A Transvestite That Falls In Love With A Mexican Mime
2. A Mob Boss Who Decides To Join The Bukake Porn Industry
3. A Handsome Young Atheist Who Fucks Mad Bitches In College

One of those is based on a true story.

The first one.

When I write some of these stories and send them to my teacher, I will make sure to upload them here, after getting my grades.

In the mean time I will leave you with a picture of someone who spent a lot of time masturbating in his youth.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Atheistjustin Writes Short Story, Controversy Ensues

Winter break has had some exciting moments. There was sexual intercourse, there was a series of drunken mishaps with my friend Asshole, and most importantly, my nipples were aroused. But, like all things that go well, there is always something that goes shitty.

Oh boy was this shitty.

So, the fire and the hype around this story has seemingly died out, but before it vanishes completely into the 'things we don't care about anymore' part of my brain, I wanted to explain a few things.

For those who don't know, I wrote a short story titled, "Polaroids For Her." It was based heavily on a personal experience in which a girl friend-zoned me. I have had quite a lot of experience with getting friend-zoned in my life. (Shoutout to Elaina from 8th grade)

(Shoutout to that other girl freshman year)

(Shoutout to that other other girl sophomore year)


Anyway, I wrote this short-story because if you want to publish a book, like I do, you have to have a pretty solid 'writing portfolio.' For the 15 year olds reading this, a port-fol-io, is a big bunch of shit you've done.

Writing is a lot like taking a big poopy. You sit down and shit comes out. A portfolio just collects everything you've shit.

My portfolio before the short story was mediocre at best. The only real things I've done where I can be called a 'writer' would be this shitty fucking blog and the book I self-published when I was 15. That may seem like enough, but I assure you it isn't.

So I wrote this short story and damn it was good. I wrote it in just an hour and a half while Ethan sat on the opposite side of the dorm, shirtless, blasting music and playing FIFA. This is a usual Tuesday night for both of us.

Anyways, it was done, and I told the girl it was based on that I had written it. I wanted her to read it before I published it or did anything so I e-mailed it to her.

She read it and we talked for a little. She told me it was well written but that the ending made her sad. I said sorry and she said it was okay. Then I said, "I just hope it gets published" and she said, "I'm sure it will."

To this day, I have screen shots of this conversation and the sent email in my computer.

So, the person who it was based on completely and fully knew it was going to be published and put out there.

And then one month later it was.

Your boy J-Hawthz was published on and even though I didn't make any money, it was still pretty cool to say I published a short story. So, I tweeted that shit and put it on Facebook. I was incredibly surprised by how much response I had.

My gay ass mom even put that up and all her 40-59 year old friends read it. I was hella flattered. An insane amount of people texted, tweeted, and told me that it was really well done and they liked it. People I didn't even really know messaged me and told me it was fantastic.

I was aroused. I was proud A F.

But then.

Some shit went down.

Acquaintances of the girl were quite unhappy with me, thinking that I wrote this as an attack on her or something stupid. I really don't know. There were some people who were pretty upset with me and I was confused as to why.

I figured the girl would have told all her friends something like, "hey just so you all know, atheistjustin wrote this short story based on us and oh look, here's a copy in my email."

But nope.

Eventually, I found out that someone reported my short story to the principal.

What the fuck?
How in the fuck?

I don't understand this logic. I also really don't know how this conversation went down.

"Hey, principal?"

"Yes, Jimmy?" (I'm gonna use the name Jimmy)

"Um, there's this fictional story someone wrote. You should read it because the ending is shocking and someone dies."

"I'll get right on that, Jimmy."

So for some reason, the principal of a high school decided to get involved for some reason. This confuses me since

1. I am not a student,

2. My short story had NOTHING to do with the school, and

3. There's no threats, names used, or anything that could really warrant someone 'reporting it'

Regardless, the principal actually CALLED DOWN THE GIRL TO THE OFFICE. That's right. To the fucking office. Like she was in trouble.

How in the name of fuck is that okay? This story had 100% nothing to do with that school and yet they felt the need to interrupt a student's day and create a situation.

I would like to ask where in the student handbook it says, "I will not write and publish a fictional short story loosely based on personal experiences with another student even if I am a graduate."

So ridiculous.

The principal decided some things were "alarming." I'm very confused what could be "alarming" WITH A SHORT STORY THAT GOT PUBLISHED IN A FUCKING MAGAZINE.

This wasn't a tweet- this wasn't a blog post- this wasn't a Facebook post. This wasn't something that I, alone, put out into the world. This short story had to be read by multiple editors to be put into a magazine. If there was anything 'alarming' about it, it probably wouldn't have been published.

If I wrote a short story about how I was going to assassinate people, and used named, and real locations, then yeah, THAT would be 'alarming.'

My short story had no names, no specified location, and made no threats.

What's alarming?

Fucking ridiculous.

But, Principal figured they would e-mail the girl's parents either the link or the story itself.

This also confused me, because I figured the girl would also have said to her parents like, "hey yeah um there's this fictional story written based on what happened with me and atheistjustin but it's made up and I read it before it was published and knew it was going to be."

But nope. Instead, the parent's read it and they got salty.

I never spoke to them directly, but the girl said if I could take it down 'that would be fucking superb.'

This really pissed me off. I called my mom because she is my day 1 nigga and I knew she could sift through the bullshit.

Immediately my mom was pissed off at the girl. Her point was, "if you thought there was going to be any problems with the story, why didn't you say anything? Why wait until after it was published when you knew it was going to be?"

Sweet mom.

Long story short, even though my mom and my grandparents and my friends all said not to take it down, I eventually called the magazine and asked if they could.

See what a nice boy I am.

Now, I have to say, this was fucking gay as fuck. I remember there being this thing about America called "The Right To Free Speech And Freedom Of The Press."

If someone pisses you off, you have the RIGHT, to make up some fictional ass shit based on them and publish it.

If someone pisses you off, you DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT, to threaten them and say you were going to kill them.

BUT NOTICE: I never said I was going to kill anyone and, again I am going to point this out, SHE READ IT BEFORE IT WAS PUBLISHED AND THEREFORE KNEW EVERYTHING.

At the end of the day I learned this, if my story was able to actually piss people off, it must have actually been pretty fucking good.

As of right now, I am talking to some magazines about re-publishing the short story. I have, however, edited it, so that the female character has 0 resemblance to the original.

I also just finished writing a sequel to it titled "Burnt Film."

Boy am I excited.

I will leave you all now with a picture of someone who wrote some crazy ass shit but never was deemed, 'alarming' by a high school principal.

Edgar Allan Poe gave 0 fucks. 

Who IS Atheistjustin?

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.