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Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Atheistjustin Teaches Joe Not To Fuck With Him

This is an older story that I had up on my website, In honor of April Fool's, I figured today would be a solid opportunity to bring it back.

About 2 weeks ago, my friend startled me at work. I was pouring myself some coffee, nice and innocently, just minding my own business. My pussy friend named Joe comes up behind me and startles me. He laughed and I told him “it’s on.” He laughed, thinking the situation was over then, but oh no Joe, this had just begun. 

You do not scare atheistjustin.

Last week, I was wearing a gorilla suit around school chasing my friend who was in a Banana suit. Before you ask anymore questions, I’ll explain that it was for spirit week in my school and my high school has no ‘rules.’


That’s me on the left; I love my eyes in this pic.

With my gorilla suit, I decided to exact my revenge on Joe. His shift at work was 7 o’clock and my plan was to put on the gorilla suit and scare the living shit out of him. I waited in my car for 40 minutes for my goddam boss to leave, as I did not want her sweetness to get caught in the crossfire.

Joe texted me that she left and I told him I’d be over in 15 minutes.

I went in, I had the suit on, I had my camera ready, I went right in, went to the register and-

Joe didn’t give a fuck.

He asked, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

No fear.

40 minutes of my life wasted.
40 God damn minutes. 

I was in a giant gorilla suit full of sweat and sadness for 40 minutes and it meant nothing. I was so angry, and this only fueled my desire to scare the shit out of Joe even more. I was on a quest, a mission to fuck with this kid.

Sunday night, as I was closing up work, I told Joe that I was feeling bored, I wanted to do something insane that made me feel alive. I told Joe, “I’m 17 and I’ve wasted half my life on twitter. Let’s go do something insane. Let’s break something. Let’s set something on fucking fire! Let’s… let’s go to New York right now at 7:30 and get there at 9. We can stay till 4 a.m. and go to school right after. Let’s go!”

Joe told me I was fucking insane and that he was too busy studying to do anything like that. I went home, feeling disappointed. But I didn’t tell Joe I went home. Instead, it was time to get my revenge.

Around 8:30 I texted Joe saying I was on the bus headed to NY. He didn’t believe me so I googled “inside of bus at night.” I found a picture. I sent it to him.

He bought it and texted me “NO FUCKING WAY.”

I wrote back, “Phones on 6%, hope I don’t die lol.”

Joe grew concerned for my well-being, but this was not enough to feel fully justified.

Around 9:30, I realized that by now my mom would have grown concerned to my absence. Deciding to make this plan much more complex and much more interesting, I took my mom’s phone.

I said, “Hey, its Meleah, Justin’s mom. Are you with him? Do you know where he is? He’s not answering my calls or texts.”

Joe then texted and called me, “Call me” “answer me” “Your mom called me wtf do I do”

He wrote back to my mom, really me, saying, “I don’t know where he is.”

I then used my mom’s phone to let him know that I was still alive. I wrote, as my mom, “He just called me from someone else’s phone- He’s in the city!?!?!?! WTF!?!”

Joe’s reaction, “You have an odd boy.”

I let Joe relax for a minute, I figured I’d give the kid a break.

Around 11 o’clock, I text Joe, “Hey, you still awake?”

He says, “of course.”

I told him, “I’m in a club in Manhattan. I met this guy Brad on the bus, he’s showing me around the city.”

Joe began to freak out and said, “WTF?! How? Don’t trust this Brad guy, he’s going to rape you!?”

I told him, “Joe, he’s just like you! He wants to meet you! You shoulda came!”

Concerned still, Joe said, “Just be careful. Don’t die.” He then asked me, “How are you getting home?”

I told him, “There’s a bus scheduled to come back to NJ around 2 a.m. so I’ll hang out and take that one. No worries.”

Joe told me once again to not die and I let him go to sleep.

At 6 in the morning, now Monday, I texted Joe.

"Joe Help me."

"I don’t know where I am or how I got here."

"I can’t remember anything after midnight, I think I was drugged!"

Joe is a piece of shit and his school starts at 8:30, so he sleeps until 8:25. Therefore, it was not UNTIL 8 that he wrote back. By this time I was already in class.

He texts me, “are you okay!? Where are you?!”

I wrote back, “I’m on the bus home now. I don’t know what happened after midnight, I woke up on the bus bench waiting for the bus. My condom is missing and… oh my god, is this a tattoo!?”

I got a girl in my English class to sign her name on me

I told him I had no idea who Gabrielle was.

Joe told me I was crazy and that maybe I got raped or had sex with a girl named Gabrielle and just didn’t remember it. Either way, Joe wasn’t all that scared. What I had done, was successfully convinced Joe that I went into NY, got roofied, and had a crazy fucking night.

After a few hours, I decided this wasn’t enough. I had to legitimately SCARE THE FUCKING SHIT out of this pussy. How was I going to do it? I had to get him involved.
I thought about what would scare Joe most in this world. The only thing Joe loves is his dog Max (whom he has anal sex with) and money (which he also has sex with). Realizing Joe cares more about his money than his dog, I had a plan.

I took a friend’s phone in my class and changed their contact name to ‘Brad.’ I then sent THESE messages to myself and then sent them to Joe.

Joe was terrified. Why? Because 7 Victoria hill is NOT my address. Instead, it is Joe’s.


I told Joe, “I can’t give him a different address he’ll think I’m lying! You gotta give me $250 to pay him back! Please Joe, just give me the money I’ll pay you back!”

Joe denied me access to his money and continued to freak out more. I asked him how scared he was and he said “very.”
According to Joe, he was in the middle of a test while this was going on and couldn't remotely concentrate. 

At this point, my entire class and even my teacher laughed at Joe’s suffering and it was here that I knew my job was done. 

I had successfully infiltrated Joe’s head and convinced him of this: I went to NY at 8:30 last night, stayed until 8:30 the following morning, met a guy named ‘Brad’ who roofied me, got a girl’s signature on my ribs, lost my condom, and now had to pay back this ‘Brad’ $250 or else he was going to go to Joe’s house and kill him.

I called Joe and left a message. I told him, “Joe, there was no New York. I never met Brad- I never did any of that stuff. It was all me. Don’t you ever fucking startle me at work you piece of shit. I am fucking insane. I am a crazy person. I will get my revenge, Joe.”

After I left him this message I knew it would take him an hour or so to hear it. You see, in Joe’s school, they actually have 'rules' and can't blatantly be on their phone in the middle of class. How much does that suck?

After about an hour and a half, he texted me back simply saying: “That was planned amazingly.”

You’re goddam right Joe. Atheistjustin got his revenge and I taught Joe not to fuck with me. 

1 comment:

  1. Omg!! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!! I totally remember this! Fucking hilarious!!!


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