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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Atheistjustin is Looking For Writers

Are you funny? Do you hate yourself? Do you have one nipple? Have you ever killed a man? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, I want you.

Now, yes, I have built myself and this website with my own blood, sweat, and semen. But now, after almost 4 years, I would really like to open it up to other people.

There are a lot of people (mostly teenage girls) who have asked, "can you write a blog about me?" Usually, I offer these girls to have sex with me in exchange for having a cool story about them, but that generally ends up with me losing another reader.

A few months ago, I posted something my friend JewishWonder wrote. It was kinda funny and since I was too lazy to write my own post, I figured fuck it, I'll put it up.

I had to edit it a little bit to make it more Atheistjustin-esque, but generally the whole thing was written by him.

So now, people of the Atheistjustin community, I invite you to write a blogpost. Write about anything.

Did you have a shitty day at work? Did your roommate walk in on you masturbating? Did you have sex with a hot 19-year old only for her father to come home at 2 in the morning? Is your car a danger to yourself and everyone else on the road?

Whatever it is you think might be funny, or entertaining, I invite you to write it out and then send it to me.

I will judge your work based on this criteria:

1. Did it make me laugh?
2. Did it use the words nipples, semen, or mention sexual terms?
3. Would I recommend it to my friend?
4. Would my mom retweet it? (My mom will always retweet it)
5. Is Bill Cosby a rapist?

This is a sincere offer I have and will continue to run on this blog for as long as it, or I, exist.

For serious inquiries you can e-mail me at

Put your name in the subject and put your text/submission in the text box of the email. I don't want to download your shitty attachment.

If you have my phone number, feel free to text me "hey Atheistjustin, I wanna send u a pic of my dog from last halloween." And then send me a blogpost.

For those of you who have always wanted to be like me (Nicolette Lopocaro), here's a chance to be just that. You can also share a link to your blogpost to all your friends and hopefully none of your family because I highly doubt Grandma is going to want to hear this shit.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Atheistjustin Has Spring Break

When most people hear the term 'Spring break' they think of big wet, bouncing tits, of piles of cocaine, of alcohols, and college students all giving each other diseases.

When my friend Joe thinks of Spring break, he thinks of Selena Gomez because he can't get over that shitty movie we watched 3 years ago where we may have touched each other.

Why was Gucci Mane in that movie? Why was James Franco dressed as Riff Raff? Who let this fucking movie happen? Why does nobody talk about it? Why is my scrotum so fucking itchy?

Gucci Mane, to this day, has no knowledge of the filming of Spring Breakers.

When I think of Spring Break, I think of this sweet blog. Since this baby child was conceived that one Spring break of my incredibly boring Sophomore year, I think of Spring break kind of like its birthday.

For some reason, the images of jarlsburg cheese and Bree Olson also come to my head, but we'll disregard that. 

Being that I am now back in college at sweet Rutgers University, I am back to listening to my professors tell me stuff I don't care about and pledging a fraternity whose name shall not be mentioned.

I can assure all of you my butthole is fine. My gooch may not be, but my butthole is A-OK.

Break was great. I did nothing and it was everything I could have imagined it could be. I sat around and touched my penis, slept in until 3AM, I ate 2 digiorno pizzas (by myself) and went to Skyzone in Ocean.

For those who have never been to Skyzone, its a giant indoor trampoline place for kids of all ages, races, and sizes. However, the teenage black kids seem to be really fond of the basketball dunking section- not sure why.

There's one part of the place which has a dodgeball area. Seems like a fun idea, yes, but people get really, really, really into it. I watched a grown ass man shout at some kid.


Sir, you're 30. why are you hollering at a small white child.





Perhaps the most exciting part of break was going to Pennsylvania State University. Though Penn State is just the Pennsylvanian version of Rutgers, it costs an additional 30k and has almost no black people.

You know what I hate most about Penn State? Their fucking motto.

'We Are Penn State.'

No fucking shit you're Penn State. Who else would you fucking be? I didn't think you were Notre Dame. I didn't think you were Harvard. I was pretty sure you were Penn State.

You know what Rutger's motto is? 'Go Fuck Yourself.'

And yeah, I know the story about how back in the 60's there was some football game where they were gonna only play with white people but then the coach was like, 'no we are all Penn State' or some gay ass shit.

Years later I think the coach was saying something else about the football players in Penn State. Something about the showers... I'm not sure.

I'd like to post a quality Halloween Costume a good friend of mine made

God is he a handsome man.

I have to say though, for a school that gets its motto for being united with black and white people, there are pretty much no black people there.

The drive to PSU was as much fun as putting a catheter up my urethra whilst playing the 'Star Spangled Banner' using a banana and glass crack pipe.

After a short 4 hours of driving, I arrived to the Valley meeting a girl friend of mine. No, no, not a girlfriend- she won't let me hit. But a girl with whom I am close.

I have to admit spending the night at Penn State reminded me how nice people not from New Jersey are. Seriously, you walk into a place and people are just like, 'hey how ya doin' here have this, take that, kiss this' and I'm like damn, bruh.

After a night out in PSU, I returned back to the promise land of New Jersey and brought with me the girl mentioned above. She decided it would be mucho-fun-time to come and meet my father and that side of the family where most of my relatives would be intoxicated.

As soon as we arrived, she started pounding down cups of wine. She's a class act.

Spring break was kind of like the intermission of a high school play. It was too short, it was well needed, and I really didn't want to go back to watching teenagers sing in unison.

Before I leave you all with a picture of something random, I would like to announce that my Gay Lover-Life Partner-Anal Companion-Penis Caresser-Nipple Consultant, Joe, has finally watched all 6 of the Star Wars films.

Since the beginning of our friendship, he has informed me that he had only seen episodes 1, 2, and 3 and therefore had never seen Luke Skywalker or Sweet Darth Vader.

It has been almost 6 years since me and Joe met in that hot tub in Asshole's backyard, so I finally decided we should get this out of the way.

Joe finished the series pissed off that Anakin from episodes 2-3 was in the last scene in the new editions of the films.

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, just go back to tweeting and suck my ass cheek.

I leave you all now with a picture of James Earl Jones, the true Master of the Universe.

Who IS Atheistjustin?

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.