I know- I know. It's been over a month. Go fuck yourself. I'm in college now, people, I can't write like the pussy 15-year old I was when I started this piece of shit website.
Also, my life has been really uneventful. Probably because I'm white.
I decided to volunteer my time at a soup kitchen. Some people call this 'community service' but I call it 'licking the world's asshole.' Community service is a lot like giving a rim job because its shitty, hard work, and ultimately leaves you with a strange taste in your mouth.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I volunteered my time at the Elijah's Promise soup kitchen in New Brunswick, not too far away from my campus.
I figured I'd finally do a good deed. In the 18-years I've been breathing, shitting, fucking, and jerking off, I think I did one nice thing back in 2007. I don't remember what it was- but I'm pretty sure it was on a Thursday.
I mean what better way to be nice than to help homeless people? You know who has it bad? Rosie O'Donnell's gynecologist. You know who has it worse? Homeless people. It's 5 motherfucking degrees outside. Do you understand? 5 degrees. I can count the amount of degrees there are on 1 hand.
That is not enough degrees for human beings to be alive in. So the fact that all the homeless people in the area aren't dead is an obvious sign that Homeless people DO have magic powers. But, their magic isn't enough to break the meth addiction, so let's help them.
Honestly, I'd like to take a second to acknowledge what being a homeless person is like. Can you imagine not actually having a home? Like seriously, imagine not having ANY FAMILY or food or shelter. Imagine its just you against the fucking world.
Doesn't that sound awesome? That's a sweet deal if you ask me. Imagine no more doctors appointments at 4 o'clock to get your prescriptions? Imagine not having to ever go to class again? How fucking awesome would it be to actually have to go and hunt for food in the city streets?
I bet sewer rat tastes like a delicious filet mignon.
In all honesty, if I was a homeless person, I'd immediately have it awesome because I'm white. I can go anywhere in the US and people would just say, "Oh look at that dirty, unshowered white guy with a huge beard and ugly clothes- he must be a hipster. I bet his band is awesome."
As a white homeless person, I could go into ANY store and they'd be like 'oh we're happy to have you.' I'd probably take my homeless white ass to a southern state where its nice and warm year round and then go live in the woods. It seems like a fun idea right?
I'd probably head to Georgia and live out in the woods hunting and stealing beer. Kind of like what actual Georgian citizens do.
Being a white homeless person is probably like a 15 year long camping trip and then you die of a crack-cocaine overdose.
It sounds like a good time to me.
If you're a black homeless person though, I truly sympathize. Racism is still a real factor in this world and I really, sincerely, sympathize for all homeless people, regardless of color. But being a dark-skinned homeless person just seems a little worse to me.
Honestly, if you're black with a huge perm, there's a solid chance people have mistaken you at one point as a member of the unfortunate.
So, my first day of volunteering began. I was nervous as shit and had no idea what I was doing. I opened the door to a sea of homeless people and thick, beige jackets. Very tacky. I was immediately drawn to the kitchen where I met the other volunteers and some of the staff.
My 'boss,' I guess, was a tall Latino man who didn't talk in a volume that a normal person would deem loud. Instead, he spent just violently shouted. His indoor voice is what we'd call, 'hysterically screaming.'
The hour went by pretty fast. All I did was sweep and start mopping the floor. Nothing too exciting really. But, I looked over to one chair and a guy was just sitting there, his back turned, facing the wall. I just kind of left him alone cause I was scared of getting stabbed.
As I continued to mop, my boss comes over and notices the last remaining homeless man. The shelter had closed about twenty minutes ago, and this guy didn't want to leave.
So basically, a little 'conversation' ensued: being that my boss has the resting volume of 12 million decibels, I'll just let you use your imagination while I type a synopsis of this convo out.
"HEY MAN YOU GOTTA LEAVE MAN YOU KNOW MAN THE SHELTER CLOSED TWENTY MINUTES AGO MAN YOU KNOW ITS TIME TO GO."
"Ey, what u talkin' bout!? I cleaned this shit! This shit is for us! You ain't own this! You can't kick me out!"
"HEY MAN RULES ARE RULES YOU GOTTA GET OUT MAN YOU KNOW ITS TIME TO GET OUT AND GO MAN."
"I know you ain't just tell me what to do. I know you ain't just say that shit to me."
"HEY MAN LOOK YOU KNOW YOU GOT YOUR SHOES OFF AND YOU GOT YOUR PHONE PLUGGED IN AND YOU'RE JUST RELAXING HERE MAN YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA GO MAN."
*Oh yeah for like a second I wanna point out that this homeless guy had a phone.
What? Huh? Why?
You're homeless... How are you paying for a cellular plan? Who are you calling? Isn't everyone you love dead? If you have someone to call don't you have somewhere to stay? Why do you have a phone? Why was nobody else questioning this? Why is my boss so fucking loud? Why am I the only white person here? Can someone help me? Hello? *
"You can't talk to me like that! I'm a man! I'm a man!"
"HEY MAN DON'T COME CLOSER. HEY MAN DON'T COME CLOSER. DON'T DO THAT MAN YOU DON'T WANNA COME CLOSER."
At this point, the homeless man was standing up coming close to my boss. My boss threw his arm up and the homeless man kept repeating "you gon' put that arm down or i'ma fuck you up" over and over again.
It was my first day volunteering and there was almost a fight between a homeless person and a worker.
On the one day I decided to be a good person.
r u fukn kiddin me god.
So out of nowhere this other guy comes in and grabs the homeless guy and cools him down. The homeless guy leaves and I go back to mopping.
It was definitely an interesting experience and an experience that made me realize that I should stick to being an asshole. For the sake of everyone's well being, I will never do a nice thing ever again.
All of you can suck my ass. Here's a picture of Hitler.
Until next time...