The situation arose once more in which this nigga had to be a back up date.
My friend Pussy was going to Date Night, some sort of stupid fucking Sorority Dance thing, and called his roommate Jewish Wonder. It seemed that one of the girls no longer had a date and needed someone.
I was already wearing a button-up shirt. It was fate. I must go.
Jewish Wonder informed me there would be crowds of attractive women and loads of free liquor. Well, sign me up bitches because my penis is as inactive as Tom Brady's back up.
Fuck yeah I just used a football reference. Maybe now my dad will love me!
Anyway, I walk out in this fucking frozen tundra that is New Brunswick and headed over to this house. I arrive in front of the address and told Pussy to come out and greet me.
He steps out of the house and fell off the steps. I could immediately tell this was going to be an interesting night.
We went inside this Sorority house, of which I do not remember the name. I walked into a sea of people I have never fucking seen in my life and will never see ever again.
We spotted some freshmen we recognized and stood with them for a little bit. Then, I realized, it was time to meet my date.
The anticipation made my anus tight and my nipples stand tall.
Part of me wanted to not know her name so it could be even funnier to go the whole night not knowing it. In the end, it didn't really matter because I forgot it anyway.
My date was a 24 year old woman whom has lived in the said Sorority house for 5 years.
When I was in 6th grade, she was graduating high school.
I can't call her a girl, because she is not a girl. She is a fucking woman. We spoke throughout the night and I found out that she has a full time job, is a smoker, has a friend with a baby, and plans on moving to her own house soon.
Nigga I am 18 years old I just fucking figured out what ass tastes like. I am a baby. I am a child in the eyes of the world- I don't know shit. If you asked me how to pay a fucking mortgage I would probably ask for cookie dough or cocaine.
Probably cookie dough, though. On a slight tangent, I finished eating an entire bucket of cookie dough in a week and thus far have NOT contracted salmonella or Type 2 Diabetes. I am as surprised as you are. I am also a fat fuck.
Moving on, I decided not to drink before we left because I was concerned they would breathalyze male guests. Then my date told me to take a shot with her and I said 'fuck it.' I'm not going to argue with a grown woman- she knows what is best for me.
My Shirtless Roommate and Jewish Wonder kept texting me and telling me to fuck her. Bitch I am not gonna fuck this woman. She is a nice lady and all but I don't have the audacity to fuck someone who was born when my mom was 16.
Calling a cab was a bit messy since there were at least 40 people all trying to get cabs. My date wasn't gonna tolerate the bullshit of having to take the fucking school bus to the club so she and her posse hauled one cab and threw me in.
I sat in the back seat with 4 other grown adults, wondering how and why this was happening to me. I began my snapchat story and decided to take everyone who follows me on this journey with me.
We arrived at the club, which was smaller than I had thought it would be. There was nobody there I recognized yet since apparently they all took the bus. Fuck. I was alone, stranded in a club with people-adults- I did not know.
My date spent the majority of the night going to the bar to get drinks, smoking outside, and having casual conversations with me and some others. She was nice, I must say and I'm sure it was just as uncomfortable for her as it was for me to be in this 'blind-date' situation.
By 8:03 P.M. someone fucking vomited. Yep. I was fascinated at how someone could be so fucked up so early. My date wanted to go outside to smoke and told me to come with her. I wasn't really in the position to argue so I went to join her.
Outside is where the magic happened. First, we were accosted by a yelling, hostile woman who had been vomited on. The side of her dress was covered in chunks of meaty brown bile and she smelt like a mixture of sadness and intense rage. I was aroused.
To the right of me, over by a bench was the drunk-vomiting culprit and his date who were both fucked up immensely. The angry lady beside me was incredibly livid saying things like,
"oh this is funny? it's not going to be funny when I fucking castrate you."
"I'm going to cut your balls off."
"I love bananas."
This was not the highlight of this experience, ladies and gentlemen, NO. DO NOT STOP READING. HERE IS WHERE IT GETS GOOD.
Throughout the night, I kept going outside either to be with my date who was smoking or a buddy named Tom who was also smoking. And there were homeless people outside.
Legit homeless people. I was hard. And frightened. I pooped a little.
One homeless man, kept coming up to me and my acquaintances asking for money and such. I'll give you a brief description of the conversations.
"You look so beautiful in your dress! You're so pink like your dress you're beautiful! Do any of you have a real cigarette?"
"What wouldn't be a cigarette? Like one of those electronic ones?"
"Nah," *pulls out a blue fucking trash bag* "I got this bag full of tobacco and I roll it with papers but smoking it is just too harsh I need something with a filter."
*Date gives a cigarette*
"Thank you! You're really so beautiful. My name is Casper- I'm homeless on the street 2 months now."
"Any of you got a dollar?"
"Nah man I'm sorry I don't even have my debit card on me."
"Ah, I don't even understand these electronic things. I don't even know how to work a fuckin' cell phone. I've been in jail 15 years."
*I begin to breathe heavily and fear for my life* *I go inside the club as soon as possible*
By 9:15, a shit load of the people were gone since they all drank too much. My friends were all gone because Pussy's date, who we will call Magasourus Rex, was too fucked up they wouldn't let her back into the club.
A direct quote from Pussy.
"The guy goes to her, 'how many hands do I have up?' I whispered to Magasourus Rex like, 'one, just one' and she goes, 'FIVE!!!1' I had to admit, that was pretty clever of the guy."
Oh sweet Magasourus.
I got a call from Pussy saying he needed me to help him out and bring her back so I told my date I had to leave. She seemed cool with it and I thanked her for the night and ran, never to return.
It was a bizarre night being surrounded by adults, talking to Casper the Friendly Murdering Homeless Guy, and being on a blind date.
I leave you all now with a picture I took the next day where I found someone incredibly fucked up by the sink.