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Friday, September 19, 2014

Atheistjustin Still Hates College

Rutgers sucks donkey ass. This place can suck my dick. I'll explain.

This morning, like every morning, I woke up and felt shitty. College so far has just been a never-ending cycle of feeling shitty. I wake up every morning and the sun is burning into my flesh because I live on the top floor of the quads and sweet Ethan never closes the fucking blinds.

I'm blessed with sleeping on the exact angle the sun rises so I get to open my eyes and see burning brightness. Awesome.

My bed is stiff and uncomfortable and so I generally wake up with slight back pains and my face feels sweaty and moist like Rosie O'Donnell's thighs. This is an awful way to start of your day, which I do every day.

Immediately after this awakening, I fall out of bed and go to the bathroom. Let me give you a little description of the bathroom-

shitty.

Just. Shitty.

It's small as fuck, has no urinals, has only 2 stalls and 2 showers, and there is usually an Indian boy in the right stall shitting out his last meal of curry. I've had to wait my turn to take showers and it fucking blows, especially when you feel as shitty as you probably smell. Walking into the shower is equivalent to getting punched in the face by a really sweaty, poop-smelling UFC fighter.

When you shower with the water that the Quad II pipes run, you can almost feel the poisonous amounts of mercury and fecal matter as they clog your pores and run over your flesh. It's awesome.

Your entire showering experience is awful and the fact that you're wearing flip-flops from Old Navy for 2 dollars isn't helping add to the experience either.

When I'm done showering myself with tears, I go back to the room. I put on my clothes and head to my shitty class.

So far in college I've learned THIS...

People in Belgium speak Flemish.

That's it. That's all I've fucking learned. If you asked me to inform you of everything I learned in this amazing institution it's that there is a funny fucking language in Belgium.

The most interesting class, I have to say, is my Intro to American Topics class because it's actually like a little history class and I used to like history back when that was a thing in high school.

So class will end and I'll have to take the fucking bus.

THE FUCKING GOD DAMN PIECE OF SHIT LX BUS.

FUCK THIS BUS RIGHT IN THE PUSSY. FUCK THIS BUS IN THE ASSHOLE.

FUCK THIS BUS IN EVERY ORIFICE POSSIBLE.

I hate this bus. I loathe it. I want to cum on it's face while it's asleep and then run off into the night leaving the bus to feel dirty and ashamed of its life.

Let me explain that this is the most crowded and most shitty  bus in all of Rutgers. Because 4/6 of my classes are on College Ave, I have to take this whore bus.

I'll explain that every single time you take it, it's fucking packed. Because College Ave and Livingston are the 2 biggest places to be. They're like New York and My Asshole. Everyone just wants to be inside.

On this bus there have been a myriad of passengers whom have taken their places beside me and left a stain on my soul. Of these include: the giant black lady who smelt like cigarettes, a strange man with black toenails, and of course, a man who looks like Sosa.

Shoutout to the hoop earrings I wore my first few weeks in college. They said I could be anybody I wanted to be, so I decided to be Michael Jordan. 

He was a cool dude, this Sosa impersonator. His name was Sean and he was a Junior here at RU. He also had some star tattoos on his forearm. When I asked him to take this selfie with me, I was concerned for my life that he would beat the shit out of me. Thankfully, it turned out that he was a cool dude and did indeed desire to take this selfie.

It was a glorious moment in both of our lives.

"Justin, college doesn't seem that bad man. It's just a shitty bathroom and shitty bus."

Well, cocksucker who I invented for this blogpost, I'll have you know that RU sucks for me. I don't like these people. For the most part, the people here are not people I would want to associate/have sex with. There are 20 year old people here who have Pikachu backpacks and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hats.

Are you fucking kidding me.

TMNT hats.

You fucking motherfucker.

My favorite friend is Ben-Stiller's-Douschebag-Doppleganger.

That God-damn motherfucker. This kid is the epitome of everything people hate about college kids. He is ALWAYS wearing a backward hat and short shorts. Of the multiple times I've seen this cocksucker he has never failed to disappoint with his pompous attitude and shitty clothing style.

Ben-Stiller's-Douschebag-Doppleganger, fuck you.

I hope you get cancer AIDS and die, Ben-Stiller's-Douschebag-Doppleganger.
-Ethan

There are more Chinese people than there are white people and I'm not exaggerating. When I say, "Chinese People" I'm not being racist and talking about Asian-American people. I mean legitimately Chinese People. From China. Who do not speak any English.

I have heard more mandarin than English these past 3 weeks and my obsession with soy sauce has only gotten worse. I massage my nipples with this sweet nectar on a far more regular basis than previously thought.

College has only been a series of dog shit so far and so, I will leave you all with a picture of dog shit.












Thursday, September 4, 2014

Atheistjustin Goes to College


College fucking blows. I don’t know how anybody can enjoy this shit. I am now a fulltime student at Rutgers University and honestly, fuck college right in the pussy.

I am not a person who likes change. I used to drive a car from 1997, just so you understand.

First off, let’s just start with the fact that college robbed me fucking blind and raped me dirty.

 So, I was under the impression according to Collegeboard.com, that Rutgers was going to be a little over 20,000 a year. WRONG. It’s a little over 25,000 a year and there’s a fuckload of little errors that deceive poor people like me. Tuition is NOT 9,000 it is actually 11,000.

For some, those little differences don’t mean much, but to a broke bitch who used to drive a 1997 Subaru outback, 2 grand is a big fucking difference.

Basically, my financial aid was ight and the federal government and sweet Chris Christie gave me a sweet deal but it was still $1,500 short of the fucking cost. Who the fuck has to pay for that? Me.

Fuck.

I already lost $750 of my own dollars because of this whore school and I’ll need to pay another $350 on September and November. It’s fucking gay as fuck.

So that happened.

Now, this was all done about a day or 2 before college began. I got robbed blind.

So I have no money already and I still have to pay for textbooks, alcohol, abortions, cocaine, and gas. I need a fucking job and yet nobody seems to be hiring. Like at all. Fuck me.

Let’s talk about move-in day.

Move-in day was not the worst experience of my life; it was the 2nd worst experience of my life. Moving in was hot as fuck and sweaty and I live on the top floor of my non-air-conditioned building and it gets so hot that I wake up in the middle of the night in a pool of my own sweat.

I wake up to a pillow covered in the sweat from my face. It feels as sticky as my own semen.

My balls, by the way, stick together as if super-glued in this heat.

My roommate and I have 3 fucking fans and leave the windows wide open and it is still hot enough to set my pubic hair on fire.

Speaking of pubic hair, by the way, the shower drain is not big enough to wash that shit down so me and my roommate had to come up with a ‘shave your balls’ method and schedule.

College is wonderful. I love not being able to shave my balls whenever I do so please.

The most attractive woman I have seen so far on this god forsaken campus has actually been my RA. She is so beautiful that I want to break shit so she comes and yells at me and stares me deeply in the eyes.

Decorating my dorm was fun, I wont lie to you, but it is not a fucking pleasure having a TV with no cable box. OR A FUCKING DORM WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING IT IS LITERALLY 95 FUCKING DEGREES YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKER.

I am sweating whilst typing this.

After I was moved in, my buddy and I went to the dining area to get some cocaine- I mean food- I mean- what am I saying- I want to kill myself in the face. The food is actually ‘bang-bang’ as Chief Keef would say. There’s an Asian food section and I don’t think it’s because of my sexual love for soy sauce but instead because of the incredibly high amount of Asian students here.

I’m not going to lie to you- there are a lot of Asians. I don’t think any of them like me. College.

That night, I went to College Ave to go to a party. There were literally fucking thirty-seven parties going on in this area and let me tell you to which ones I went.

First off, I never got IN to a party. Instead, I just spent about an hour and a half walking TO parties while piss-drunk off of Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan. This was eh. I mean- it’s actually kind of fun to walk around College Ave where its busy as shit and see all these kids but I could go anywhere and do that.

If I wanted to walk around with a group of people I barely know and just met 6 minutes ago, I could have just went to a nursing home because the people there are probably throwing up, shitting, and fucking even more than these pussy college kids are.

I’ll bet the nursing home has some bangin’ air conditioning.

Every time we actually got to a frat house, we were either shunned away because we have cocks or it was being shut down by the po-po. This was gay as fuck and even though there is a ‘ratio,’ the frat kids are still going to keep you out and take your women- or at least try to.

Are you not familiar with the ratio system? It’s quite simple, because horny fraternity members designed it.

Let’s say it’s 3 to 1.

That means for every 1 penis coming to this shindig, there needs to be 3 vaginas.

It’s not as easy as it sounds and let’s not forget that the ratio is BARELY EVER 3 to 1. Instead, you have assholes saying shit like 6 to 1 or 7 to 1. Like fuck off dude, let me just do shots with you.

So far in college, I have yet to do any of these things: sex, party, cocaine, or dance around in a Gorilla suit inside of a frat house.

These are my life-long college goals yet I am completely incapable of reaching them because college fucking blows.

College has fucked me so hard that I actually had to give up on paying for my website because right now I don’t even have enough of an income to keep that sustained.

I’m piss poor, sweaty, and violently dirty. College.

Who IS Atheistjustin?

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.