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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Atheistjustin Watches Friend Get His Ass Beat, Does Nothing To Assist

Thanksgiving Break is a little teaser to Winter Break. It's like what Spring Break is for summer break. It's like the foreplay before intercourse. It's like the fart before the giant log of shit you're about to lay.

Thanksgiving Break is a great time to reconnect with the people you haven't seen in 3 months but have been stalking online in an effort to get over your loneliness.

Maybe it's just me.

But for the majority, a lot of your hometown people come back for a few, beloved days, and you all get shitfaced It's a college tradition that dates back all the way to the 1980's- an ancient time period.

Perhaps out of all my friends, the greatest person who could have came back was my best friend Asshole. For my readers who don't know who Asshole is- well, he's an Asshole.

Asshole makes most of the appearances on this blog by first getting belligerently drunk and then doing something stupid. I spent a lot of time with Asshole in my high school days and Asshole taught me a lot of things. For example, it's okay to be fat. You'll still get easy pussy as long as you have a BAC over 0.20.

Thanks Asshole.

On this particular break, I found Asshole at a party. It was about 10 when I got there and you could tell just by smelling him that he had been drinking for at least 2 hours already.

It was destined to be a great night.

Asshole spent a good majority of the party fighting with his girlfriend and stumbling into the bathroom, so I spent most of my time with more coherent people.

I mingled around for a little while, trying to kiss this attractive girl from Towson, until by 11:30 the party shut down. Was I sad? Yes. Though I was failing at getting with Towson Girl, there was always the chance of me masturbating in the bathroom.

For some reason, it took people hours to leave the party. They left gradually as some people had to wait for rides, some were to fucked up to drive, and some people just didn't want to accept that the party was over.

Around this time, some strange occurrences arose as people still kept coming in. I don't know who some of these people are, but one was a black gentlemen who came over to the bar.

Asshole sat behind the bar, staring out into space as the liquor inside him was still digesting.

The black guy asked, "y'all ain't got no liquor?"

I told him, "Nah man, the party is over."

Asshole decided he would butt into the conversation and ask, "Who do you know here?"

This was the worst decision Asshole had ever made.

The black guy fired back, quite enraged at the question. "The fuck you say to me?"

Asshole replied, "Who do you know here? Get the fuck out!"

It was all over from there.

In the distance, someone started shouting "oh shit, Asshole. You shouldn't have said that."

The black gentlemen went around the bar, grabbed Asshole by the time, punched him in the face 3 times, and then kicked him as his drunk ass was down on the ground.

There was yelling, shouting, and eventually people were able to get the guy off of Asshole. I'm not quite sure what happened to the attacker, but I went over to Asshole.

His mouth bloody, his hair distraught and tangled, his tie backwards, blood on his jacket, Asshole stood up.

He looked me right in the eyes.

He asked me.

"Seriously though, who did he know here?"

About an hour and a half went by until everyone was gone. I thought about the events that had just taken place and was astounded I had watched my friend get his ass beat.

I thought about it- I did nothing. I watched him get his ass beat. Part of this bothered me. I was a pussy. I thought about it some more, though, and honestly, Asshole totally should have got his ass beat he was a fucking idiot.

Also, I probably would have only gotten my ass beat as well, since the only person I ever fought was a girl when I was 10 years old.

Thanksgiving Break was just a taste of what might ensue during the winter break, which lasts over a month.

I leave you all now with a picture of someone who has never gotten his ass beat. Samuel L. Jackson.

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.