The Not That Great Podcast

Hey assholes. Check out my new podcast here:

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Atheistjustin Has A Halloweekend

Halloween when you're 8 years old is a one-day holiday where you dress up as your favorite super hero, or Jedi-Knight, or princess and go to random people's houses and threaten them for high-fructose corn syrup and sugar products.

Halloween when you're 18 years old is a 3-day exploration where you dress up as hookers or shirtless assholes and go to random people's houses drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, doing illegal drugs, and having sex with people you won't remember later.

Halloween for Atheistjustin has been quite an adventure.

Last weekend- I discovered that sometimes combinations of certain chemicals may end up with you fighting a mirror.

I beat the shit out of that mirror.

So this weekend I made sure to get plenty of that and enjoy this Halloween weekend.

I had planned out my Halloween costume with my roommate Ethan. We decided to go with the classic gorilla and banana duo.

I was excited to finally see my roommate do something dumb since he spends most of his shirtless time playing FIFA and arguing with me. Ethan and I spend a lot of time snap chatting each other (and sucking each other's dicks) and so far the dumbest thing he's done besides be a banana was throw a dart at a picture of Jesus.

Sorry to all you Catholics.

But not really.

So this Halloweekend I destined to have a fun ass night. As we do every weekend, Ethan and I went to Tinsley, a particular building for Freshman on campus. We go to the top floor with people who have big penises. Yes Jon Jon and Kyle, I'm talking about you.

In addition to big penis holders, there are also incredibly attractive women who are so good looking it actually hurts my dick. There's this one girl, Marielle, who I will one day bust a nut on. In the meantime, I will continue to bust a nut on myself as I think about her. 

There's also a girl on this floor who occasionally lets me have sex with her.

Perhaps I've once again put too much on the internet.

Anyway, we headed to the building to just hangout, since there's never really any chance of us Freshman boys getting into a party. You see the thing is, you have to either have a vagina OR somehow be on 'the guest list' which frankly isn't going to happen when you have the social networking of a 1 legged cat. 

It's a good thing we decided not to go to any parties because apparently at one frat party, a young pledge was taken by the anus, and frat brothers finger blasted him in his rectum. Fraternities are kinda gay.

Me and Ethan met up with JewishWonder and VirginPussy and began our night by first making costumes for the two of them since they didn't have one initially. Then we took pictures together because that's what heterosexual boys do.

Even though Ethan is scared of seeing humans and therefore didn't go out, I wanted to explore the night and see what was happening outside. 

Whilst in a gorilla suit, I chased a bunch of drunk college ladies and heard one black man say, "Nigga hold up! I ain't got no wallet!"

Sir, you have nothing to fear. I am a tiny white man. 

However, there was actually a 'held-at-gunpoint' robbery that day, so perhaps he was being wise.

After 20 minutes I was cold as fuck and said 'this is gay as hell' and went back to the building. 

Things get a little blurry here but I recall a few things. One, was my Greek Friend whom dressed up as "summer" with her whore friends. I don't have a picture of her in the costume, but I DO have a picture of me in it.

Terrible isn't it? Anyway, she was there with one of her friends who was actually attractive and seemed to be half-way interested in talking to me. At one point, I was really feeling myself and began shouting/story-telling of 'The Greatest Sex Story Of All Time."

Again things began to get fuzzy and all I can quite remember is how one of my buddy's was being provoked by some fuck boy named Matt and how I decided that me and my friends were going to fight him. Thankfully for all of us, he was in a different college so there was no fight to be had but things were getting hostile.

Finally around 3 AM, Ethan and I realized we should get to the bus stop before it stops running, since the busses discontinue after 3. We stepped outside with our group of friends and found A GIANT MASS OF HUMAN BEINGS ALL WAITING FOR THE BUS.


I grabbed the attractive friend I had made and connected mouths. Shortly after, Ethan and I called a cab and finally arrived home and around 4 A.M. finally passed the fuck out.

The next day was Homecoming where Rutgers practiced the year-long tradition of getting destroyed at Homecoming and not even scoring. It was fantastic. 

I stayed in my room naked until about 4PM before deciding to put my pants back on. After this, I spent a few hours sort of hanging out again with Ethan and JewishWonder just playing video games and kissing each other. I decided to avoid alcohol since the night before I kept forgetting what my name was and how to spell the word 'spaghetti.'

Things get weird.

The night kind of ensued with people cramming up a dorm room and me taking a picture with a girl's boobs

I hope your dad doesn't mind. 

I went out again with some friends and walked into one party where a guy said, "if you're not on the guest list you're not getting in." In response, my friends, Rob and Dylan (whom also have big penises) went to a car and pissed on it. That's vengeance, people. Walking around for a little while, I realized the night was dead and that we were better off back at the T.

At one point the night was so dull I called my mom for fun. As you can tell, I really get a ton of pussy being that I spend my college nights on the phone with my mom. And honestly, she may be 40 but she is a funny fuck.

Anyway, the night went on a little slow after I called that nigga. I was looking for sexual intercourse and remembered about bae in the building. I texted her, 'hey what are the chances of me putting my penis in you for 5 minutes uncomfortably until I orgasm and leave?" She said, "the chances are egg mod."

I was in. She was hammered.

There was another girl though, who was coming onto me the way a tumor comes onto a cancer patient. Her costume was great. A BMS cheerleader.

I was in a predicament and couldn't figure out who to have sex with. I eventually realized if I had sex with the BMS person, I would probably get gonorrhea. I had sweet Ethan go and ask my usual sex-partner if she wanted to do intercourse because I was busy playing FIFA. 

Ethan came back and said, "do you wanna have sex with her right now?"


"Okay, then go right now."

I walked outside and her roommate and friends were literally all outside pointing to the door and every single one of them said, "go on in."

I walked in the room. She was on the bed. She looked at me. I looked at her. She patted the bed and said, 'come here.'

I gave her the 15 second ride of her life.

Once my orgasm was over, I was kind of done with the night. I did what I needed and I was concerned that since it was daylight savings that the busses would be all fucked up. So, by the time it was 2:45AM, I left the building, I went home, made some Ramen and watched a little Netflix only to pass out at 4 AM once again. 

Again this night, I was lucky to not go to another Frat Party as it turned out that one brother in a frat punched another girl in the face. 

Well ladies and penis-holders, I don't know how long it will be till I have the time to write again, so I will leave you with the scariest thing you will ever see on Halloween - Shia LeBouf. 

1 comment:

  1. Ah yes. Nothing better than a 2am phone call, from your drunk son, telling his friend Sammy, "me & my mom have the best relationship. We're like Turk & JD from Scrubs."


Who IS Atheistjustin?

My photo
I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.