The Not That Great Podcast

Hey assholes. Check out my new podcast here:

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Atheistjustin Has the Greatest Sex Story of All Time.

The events described in this blog post are real and the identities of the persons mentioned are hidden. Fake names are used. Real situations are described. This is the greatest story I have ever told. (Doink-Doink noise from Law & Order).

I was a young, brash 17-year-old when I experienced the greatest sex story of my entire life. I am 18 now and my mom can’t stop me from putting this on the Internet. Yes, I am aware that my families, teachers, and Jews can all find this- but it’s a great story and everyone should hear it.  Even the people whose semen helped create me.

At my old job, there was a beautiful, sexy, 19-year-old college girl. She was fine as hell, and I mean FINE AS HELL. She had tattoos, a great body, and a genuinely pretty face. She was totally out of my league, yet somehow I almost felt like she was kind of into me.

I used to be really ugly as a kid and so, being attractive was new to me and I didn’t know if a girl was flirting with me or getting the mace out of her bag. Either way, I kept getting mixed signals from this one girl. It didn’t matter though, as she had a boyfriend of over a year. It seemed my penis was as blocked as a soccer goal from Tim Howard.

By the sweet grace of Jesus, she had a falling out with her boyfriend and I magically was able to start texting her. I don’t remember how it started, or what sick game I used to get her number, but the images of me looking through the employee list of phone numbers keeps coming up.

So we started talking for a while and I knew something was up. Either this was about to go really well or I was going to humiliate myself by attempting to put my penis in a place it could never dwell. Well my friends, my penis and I ventured forth to a land unknown to me.

One Saturday night, I was at a friend’s house texting her. She was bummed out because of the ex-boyfriend being an asshole and had no plans that night. I asked her where her parents were and she said her Dad was away in Atlantic City and wouldn’t be home till about 4 or 5 in the morning.

My nipples were aroused.

I asked her how she would feel if I came over right then and there, sort of as a joke.

She said, “I’d be so happy.”

I immediately told my friends I was leaving, my dick as stiff as Styrofoam.

It was around midnight when I got to her house and I decided to park IN FRONT of the house, not in the driveway. This will be important later.

 I went in the house and she was wearing pajamas that said, “I want to look comfortable, but I also want you to know that these come off with very little effort.”

We went upstairs to her room and for about twenty minutes we were just talking. Her room was a pigsty and clothes were everywhere.  

At one point I told her, “I’m just here for plutonic reasons, I don’t want to do anything sexual with you.”

She goes, “really?”

I said, “Abso-fucking-lutely not.” I grabbed the back of her head and we began making out.

DAMN I’M GOOD, I thought to myself. Now, as we were hooking up, I thought this was all we were going to do. I mean, the girls in my town never did anything but kiss on the mouth after the first date.

After some time, she began grabbing my crotch-region. My penis was erect and I was fucking horrified. I asked myself, “WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO? HOW DO I GET HER TO HAVE SEX WITH ME?”

I got it at this point when she was grabbing my penis that she wanted me to put it inside her vagina- I have seen enough porn to know this. But, before this girl, I had only had sex with my girlfriend prior.

When you have a girlfriend, you talk about when you’re going to have sex. You practically fucking plan it. You set up a date where the family won’t be around, you have 6 condoms ready, you have your Barry White album on the record player, you have your candles and incense- maybe its just me. But anyway, you still have this whole thing worked out.

I had never had to ask a woman, “Hey so, do you maybe want to let me put my penis inside of you awkwardly for about 6 or 7 minutes while I sweat profusely until I erupt in a syrupy goo that I will probably get all over myself and most likely cry for 25 minutes after? Is that cool with you? Is this an activity you would like to perform?”

Thankfully, while I had this battle going on in my head, she asked me, “Do you wanna fuck?”

My clothes were off in 0.0001 seconds. She got naked. I went into my wallet, pulled out the “Jimmy” (50’s slang, people), placed it firmly upon my shaft, I entered the tip of my penis into her vagina, ever so slowly, and proceeded in fornication.

This.

Was.

AWESOME.

I fucking did it. I became a man. Yes, yes, I had lost my virginity over a year before this, but this sexual endeavor made me go 0-100 nigga real quick.

Now I was nervous people, she was a 19 year old, very experienced sex goddess. I did not want to disappoint her. The last thing I wanted to do was explode on myself in just a few minutes. I wanted to at least have some stamina.

As we had sexual intercourse, I kept thinking of things to distract me so I didn’t cum. I had the images of the Holocaust, Ghandi, and my grandmother’s tits all to prevent me from cumming.

That’s right. As I was inside of a 19 year old blonde chick with tattoos, I was thinking about Anne Frank and an 86 year old.

It’s called Chivalry, boys. “Ladies first.”

When we started, I looked at the clock and it was about 1am. When I looked back at the clock, it was 1:30am. Damn I’m good.

All was going great and I was just about to wrap it up until suddenly-

I heard a noise.

A strange noise…

A voice.

A man’s voice.

Her father’s voice coming home at 1:30 am from a horrible losing streak in Atlantic City.

I was completely naked. The way her room was set up, there was a small dresser next to her door that was across from her bed. I had only 2 seconds to either hide behind that or jump out the window to my death.

I chose the dresser.

Here is a diagram.




I sat there in the fetal position, staring at my penis for what may be the last time. My dick had shrunk to a small raisin and I looked at it, remembering all the good times we had together growing up. I thought about the last thing we ever did together, this 19 year old blonde girl.

Was it worth it?

Absolutely.

As I stared at my penis I heard the father ask his daughter some questions.

“Why are you naked?”
“What was that noise?”
“Why is there a car out front?”
“Will Nicholas Cage ever amount to anything?”

I was ready to jump out the window and break my own leg. I figured it would have been more honorable to just injure myself than let this middle aged father do it.

THANKFULLY.

She said one of the greatest replies of all time.

She said, “I was having alone time.”

Dad leaves the room, realizing that his daughter was just masterbating. I will never forget the sensation of relief once I heard that bear of a man leave the room.

After 10 minutes I finally looked up at her and whispered, “is he gone?” She said yes and closed the door. Yeah, that’s right, the dad left the door open. Makes no fucking sense to me either.


Anyway, we waited another 20 minutes for the bear to go to sleep and when he did, I put my clothes back on, she led me out of the house, I kissed her goodbye, went down her driveway, got into my car, and drove back home at 2 am in my 1997 Subaru outback.

1 comment:

  1. I am totally hysterical over this! So funny!! Well done!

    ReplyDelete

Who IS Atheistjustin?

My photo
I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.