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Friday, September 19, 2014

Atheistjustin Still Hates College

Rutgers sucks donkey ass. This place can suck my dick. I'll explain.

This morning, like every morning, I woke up and felt shitty. College so far has just been a never-ending cycle of feeling shitty. I wake up every morning and the sun is burning into my flesh because I live on the top floor of the quads and sweet Ethan never closes the fucking blinds.

I'm blessed with sleeping on the exact angle the sun rises so I get to open my eyes and see burning brightness. Awesome.

My bed is stiff and uncomfortable and so I generally wake up with slight back pains and my face feels sweaty and moist like Rosie O'Donnell's thighs. This is an awful way to start of your day, which I do every day.

Immediately after this awakening, I fall out of bed and go to the bathroom. Let me give you a little description of the bathroom-

shitty.

Just. Shitty.

It's small as fuck, has no urinals, has only 2 stalls and 2 showers, and there is usually an Indian boy in the right stall shitting out his last meal of curry. I've had to wait my turn to take showers and it fucking blows, especially when you feel as shitty as you probably smell. Walking into the shower is equivalent to getting punched in the face by a really sweaty, poop-smelling UFC fighter.

When you shower with the water that the Quad II pipes run, you can almost feel the poisonous amounts of mercury and fecal matter as they clog your pores and run over your flesh. It's awesome.

Your entire showering experience is awful and the fact that you're wearing flip-flops from Old Navy for 2 dollars isn't helping add to the experience either.

When I'm done showering myself with tears, I go back to the room. I put on my clothes and head to my shitty class.

So far in college I've learned THIS...

People in Belgium speak Flemish.

That's it. That's all I've fucking learned. If you asked me to inform you of everything I learned in this amazing institution it's that there is a funny fucking language in Belgium.

The most interesting class, I have to say, is my Intro to American Topics class because it's actually like a little history class and I used to like history back when that was a thing in high school.

So class will end and I'll have to take the fucking bus.

THE FUCKING GOD DAMN PIECE OF SHIT LX BUS.

FUCK THIS BUS RIGHT IN THE PUSSY. FUCK THIS BUS IN THE ASSHOLE.

FUCK THIS BUS IN EVERY ORIFICE POSSIBLE.

I hate this bus. I loathe it. I want to cum on it's face while it's asleep and then run off into the night leaving the bus to feel dirty and ashamed of its life.

Let me explain that this is the most crowded and most shitty  bus in all of Rutgers. Because 4/6 of my classes are on College Ave, I have to take this whore bus.

I'll explain that every single time you take it, it's fucking packed. Because College Ave and Livingston are the 2 biggest places to be. They're like New York and My Asshole. Everyone just wants to be inside.

On this bus there have been a myriad of passengers whom have taken their places beside me and left a stain on my soul. Of these include: the giant black lady who smelt like cigarettes, a strange man with black toenails, and of course, a man who looks like Sosa.

Shoutout to the hoop earrings I wore my first few weeks in college. They said I could be anybody I wanted to be, so I decided to be Michael Jordan. 

He was a cool dude, this Sosa impersonator. His name was Sean and he was a Junior here at RU. He also had some star tattoos on his forearm. When I asked him to take this selfie with me, I was concerned for my life that he would beat the shit out of me. Thankfully, it turned out that he was a cool dude and did indeed desire to take this selfie.

It was a glorious moment in both of our lives.

"Justin, college doesn't seem that bad man. It's just a shitty bathroom and shitty bus."

Well, cocksucker who I invented for this blogpost, I'll have you know that RU sucks for me. I don't like these people. For the most part, the people here are not people I would want to associate/have sex with. There are 20 year old people here who have Pikachu backpacks and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hats.

Are you fucking kidding me.

TMNT hats.

You fucking motherfucker.

My favorite friend is Ben-Stiller's-Douschebag-Doppleganger.

That God-damn motherfucker. This kid is the epitome of everything people hate about college kids. He is ALWAYS wearing a backward hat and short shorts. Of the multiple times I've seen this cocksucker he has never failed to disappoint with his pompous attitude and shitty clothing style.

Ben-Stiller's-Douschebag-Doppleganger, fuck you.

I hope you get cancer AIDS and die, Ben-Stiller's-Douschebag-Doppleganger.
-Ethan

There are more Chinese people than there are white people and I'm not exaggerating. When I say, "Chinese People" I'm not being racist and talking about Asian-American people. I mean legitimately Chinese People. From China. Who do not speak any English.

I have heard more mandarin than English these past 3 weeks and my obsession with soy sauce has only gotten worse. I massage my nipples with this sweet nectar on a far more regular basis than previously thought.

College has only been a series of dog shit so far and so, I will leave you all with a picture of dog shit.












2 comments:

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  2. See, and no one believed me when I said that place was the spawn of Satan. Stupid fucking Rutgers. I do hope it keeps sucking so you have something to write about and me to laugh at!

    ReplyDelete

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