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Thursday, September 4, 2014

Atheistjustin Goes to College

College fucking blows. I don’t know how anybody can enjoy this shit. I am now a fulltime student at Rutgers University and honestly, fuck college right in the pussy.

I am not a person who likes change. I used to drive a car from 1997, just so you understand.

First off, let’s just start with the fact that college robbed me fucking blind and raped me dirty.

 So, I was under the impression according to, that Rutgers was going to be a little over 20,000 a year. WRONG. It’s a little over 25,000 a year and there’s a fuckload of little errors that deceive poor people like me. Tuition is NOT 9,000 it is actually 11,000.

For some, those little differences don’t mean much, but to a broke bitch who used to drive a 1997 Subaru outback, 2 grand is a big fucking difference.

Basically, my financial aid was ight and the federal government and sweet Chris Christie gave me a sweet deal but it was still $1,500 short of the fucking cost. Who the fuck has to pay for that? Me.


I already lost $750 of my own dollars because of this whore school and I’ll need to pay another $350 on September and November. It’s fucking gay as fuck.

So that happened.

Now, this was all done about a day or 2 before college began. I got robbed blind.

So I have no money already and I still have to pay for textbooks, alcohol, abortions, cocaine, and gas. I need a fucking job and yet nobody seems to be hiring. Like at all. Fuck me.

Let’s talk about move-in day.

Move-in day was not the worst experience of my life; it was the 2nd worst experience of my life. Moving in was hot as fuck and sweaty and I live on the top floor of my non-air-conditioned building and it gets so hot that I wake up in the middle of the night in a pool of my own sweat.

I wake up to a pillow covered in the sweat from my face. It feels as sticky as my own semen.

My balls, by the way, stick together as if super-glued in this heat.

My roommate and I have 3 fucking fans and leave the windows wide open and it is still hot enough to set my pubic hair on fire.

Speaking of pubic hair, by the way, the shower drain is not big enough to wash that shit down so me and my roommate had to come up with a ‘shave your balls’ method and schedule.

College is wonderful. I love not being able to shave my balls whenever I do so please.

The most attractive woman I have seen so far on this god forsaken campus has actually been my RA. She is so beautiful that I want to break shit so she comes and yells at me and stares me deeply in the eyes.

Decorating my dorm was fun, I wont lie to you, but it is not a fucking pleasure having a TV with no cable box. OR A FUCKING DORM WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING IT IS LITERALLY 95 FUCKING DEGREES YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKER.

I am sweating whilst typing this.

After I was moved in, my buddy and I went to the dining area to get some cocaine- I mean food- I mean- what am I saying- I want to kill myself in the face. The food is actually ‘bang-bang’ as Chief Keef would say. There’s an Asian food section and I don’t think it’s because of my sexual love for soy sauce but instead because of the incredibly high amount of Asian students here.

I’m not going to lie to you- there are a lot of Asians. I don’t think any of them like me. College.

That night, I went to College Ave to go to a party. There were literally fucking thirty-seven parties going on in this area and let me tell you to which ones I went.

First off, I never got IN to a party. Instead, I just spent about an hour and a half walking TO parties while piss-drunk off of Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan. This was eh. I mean- it’s actually kind of fun to walk around College Ave where its busy as shit and see all these kids but I could go anywhere and do that.

If I wanted to walk around with a group of people I barely know and just met 6 minutes ago, I could have just went to a nursing home because the people there are probably throwing up, shitting, and fucking even more than these pussy college kids are.

I’ll bet the nursing home has some bangin’ air conditioning.

Every time we actually got to a frat house, we were either shunned away because we have cocks or it was being shut down by the po-po. This was gay as fuck and even though there is a ‘ratio,’ the frat kids are still going to keep you out and take your women- or at least try to.

Are you not familiar with the ratio system? It’s quite simple, because horny fraternity members designed it.

Let’s say it’s 3 to 1.

That means for every 1 penis coming to this shindig, there needs to be 3 vaginas.

It’s not as easy as it sounds and let’s not forget that the ratio is BARELY EVER 3 to 1. Instead, you have assholes saying shit like 6 to 1 or 7 to 1. Like fuck off dude, let me just do shots with you.

So far in college, I have yet to do any of these things: sex, party, cocaine, or dance around in a Gorilla suit inside of a frat house.

These are my life-long college goals yet I am completely incapable of reaching them because college fucking blows.

College has fucked me so hard that I actually had to give up on paying for my website because right now I don’t even have enough of an income to keep that sustained.

I’m piss poor, sweaty, and violently dirty. College.

1 comment:

  1. At least you're not in fuckingflorida! And cocaine is bad, m'kay?!


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