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Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Atheistjustin Ends Racism

Alright so before I say anything, I'm just going to come out and admit it.

I'm an apathetic asshole.

I'm sorry. Listen, I agree- people should not be violently murdered or even regularly murdered. I mean, I'm not aware of any non-violent/peaceful murders, but I don't think those are very nice either.

If it were up to me, everyone would solve problems or disagreements by sword-fighting with pink dildos.

But, when it comes to a black person being killed, over a thousand miles away, who may or may not have been innocent, it just doesn't affect me. I'm apathetic toward the situation.

And even when another black person is strangled to death by a cop, in New York City, on film, for seemingly no reason, I still plead to being apathetic.

Yeah, I know, I'm a piece of shit. But look, I am an 18-year old White Male in Central New Jersey. To be completely honest, the only thing I have to worry about is whether or not I passed Expository writing.

Listen, if you're a black person, or of color, and you feel like these attacks and incidents mean something to you, then I agree that you should speak how you feel. Speaking them in a non-violent, educated/informed manner, is not something I am against.

I am all for Freedom of Speech. Plastic-pussy-nipple-tassel-vaginas. See? Freedom.

But what I don't condone, is a bunch of fucking idiots walking around, shouting on campuses about shit they don't know and shit that does not affect them.

I go to Rutgers University- y'all know that. If you don't know that, you don't know who I am. If you don't know who I am, you're missing out, because I am amazing. I love nipples and cookie dough- but perhaps that is beside the point.

Anyway, at Rutgers University, we have a really diverse campus and a diverse police department. As a matter of fact, Rutgers gets 3 police departments: The Rutgers Police Department, The Police Department of New Brunswick, and The State Police of New Jersey.

So basically, for any 1 white cop you find here, you can probably find 3 non-white police officers.

Basically, what I'm getting at here, is that this is not an issue here. There are no instances of an unfair,  overtly violent police force here.

Listen, I get it, in New York and Missouri, there are racists. And yes, some of those racists may be police officers. And yes, of course, maybe- maybe they killed a few innocent black people because they were driven by racism.

But no matter what actually happened to Mike Brown or Eric Garner, it doesn't affect us here in Rutgers. I'm not going to say that I know every detail about those incidents- I'm totally admitting ignorance.

I did not follow the cases, I did not follow the news, I did not care. Why? Because where I am, with who I am, I have nothing to concern myself with.

The issue is not the Entire United States Police Department- it's not. The issue is what some protestors are doing.

Earlier today, I stepped on a school bus to go back to my dorm and there was a man, and a group of protestors, all chanting about how 'they need to bring the oppression to the oppressors,' and how, 'sacrifices will be made,' and how, 'if there are arrests they will raise hell to public safety.'

Bitch. What in the fuck are you talking about.

In no way, is it okay to threaten with violent protests or to talk about 'raising hell to public safety.' No matter where or who you are, this is not an appropriate/healthy reaction.

I also really don't understand this logic.

"They killed some people, so let's burn shit down, attack people, steal shit, and then everything will be just fine."

I really can't connect the dots here.

I'm not a racist. Really. No matter what color you are, I will make fun of you.

I think a true way to end racism is to acknowledge and accept- to poke fun and mock at our differences. Denying our differences, or saying 'we are all the same,' is a stupid, 5-year old way of trying to fix this.

The truth is were not the same. And I think bringing humor to these differences is what makes it okay. I think that if you can accept our differences and turn it into something that makes you laugh, something positive, then that's awesome.

My issue is not that people are protesting. I can understand that people are angry and upset with these incidents. But if you are going to go out and protest, do it where it matters. Inform yourself of every detail of what happened. Seriously.

Don't just follow some fuckboy on an LX in New Brunswick because he sounds like he knows what he's talking about. Be an individual, educate yourself, and then maybe protest a little bit in a non-violent way.

And honestly, here's what I would do if I was a person who felt the need to protest: I'd be a cop.

That's right. I'd go to police academy and become a police officer and make sure that I am the 1 cop who is not racist- who reports incidents of racism or violence in the department. Seriously, that's the only way you'll make a difference.

People want to spend money on getting cameras on the front of police uniforms.

Are you dumb?

There are already cameras on most-if not every- police dashboard and adding these cameras will only raise state taxes. I don't know about you, but you can suck my dick if you think New Jersey is going to take any more of my income.

These cameras also aren't going to end the killings of people. Yes, they will film an officer's every movement, but thats the only thing they will really do.

At the end of the day, nothing is going to change. You can shout and fuck up all the things you want, but all you're going to end up doing is looking like an asshole and probably get arrested.

I think this shit is all just part of the media trying to get us distracted again. It's amazing how fast we went from ISIS to Ebola to this. I'm sure in another 2 weeks, everything will be forgotten with Christmas and in the New Year the cycle will start all over again.

I leave you all now with a picture of a man who truly understood how to make a difference while staying educated, peaceful, and handsome.

No, not Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., but Neil Patrick Harris.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Atheistjustin Watches Friend Get His Ass Beat, Does Nothing To Assist

Thanksgiving Break is a little teaser to Winter Break. It's like what Spring Break is for summer break. It's like the foreplay before intercourse. It's like the fart before the giant log of shit you're about to lay.

Thanksgiving Break is a great time to reconnect with the people you haven't seen in 3 months but have been stalking online in an effort to get over your loneliness.

Maybe it's just me.

But for the majority, a lot of your hometown people come back for a few, beloved days, and you all get shitfaced It's a college tradition that dates back all the way to the 1980's- an ancient time period.

Perhaps out of all my friends, the greatest person who could have came back was my best friend Asshole. For my readers who don't know who Asshole is- well, he's an Asshole.

Asshole makes most of the appearances on this blog by first getting belligerently drunk and then doing something stupid. I spent a lot of time with Asshole in my high school days and Asshole taught me a lot of things. For example, it's okay to be fat. You'll still get easy pussy as long as you have a BAC over 0.20.

Thanks Asshole.

On this particular break, I found Asshole at a party. It was about 10 when I got there and you could tell just by smelling him that he had been drinking for at least 2 hours already.

It was destined to be a great night.

Asshole spent a good majority of the party fighting with his girlfriend and stumbling into the bathroom, so I spent most of my time with more coherent people.

I mingled around for a little while, trying to kiss this attractive girl from Towson, until by 11:30 the party shut down. Was I sad? Yes. Though I was failing at getting with Towson Girl, there was always the chance of me masturbating in the bathroom.

For some reason, it took people hours to leave the party. They left gradually as some people had to wait for rides, some were to fucked up to drive, and some people just didn't want to accept that the party was over.

Around this time, some strange occurrences arose as people still kept coming in. I don't know who some of these people are, but one was a black gentlemen who came over to the bar.

Asshole sat behind the bar, staring out into space as the liquor inside him was still digesting.

The black guy asked, "y'all ain't got no liquor?"

I told him, "Nah man, the party is over."

Asshole decided he would butt into the conversation and ask, "Who do you know here?"

This was the worst decision Asshole had ever made.

The black guy fired back, quite enraged at the question. "The fuck you say to me?"

Asshole replied, "Who do you know here? Get the fuck out!"

It was all over from there.

In the distance, someone started shouting "oh shit, Asshole. You shouldn't have said that."

The black gentlemen went around the bar, grabbed Asshole by the time, punched him in the face 3 times, and then kicked him as his drunk ass was down on the ground.

There was yelling, shouting, and eventually people were able to get the guy off of Asshole. I'm not quite sure what happened to the attacker, but I went over to Asshole.

His mouth bloody, his hair distraught and tangled, his tie backwards, blood on his jacket, Asshole stood up.

He looked me right in the eyes.

He asked me.

"Seriously though, who did he know here?"

About an hour and a half went by until everyone was gone. I thought about the events that had just taken place and was astounded I had watched my friend get his ass beat.

I thought about it- I did nothing. I watched him get his ass beat. Part of this bothered me. I was a pussy. I thought about it some more, though, and honestly, Asshole totally should have got his ass beat he was a fucking idiot.

Also, I probably would have only gotten my ass beat as well, since the only person I ever fought was a girl when I was 10 years old.

Thanksgiving Break was just a taste of what might ensue during the winter break, which lasts over a month.

I leave you all now with a picture of someone who has never gotten his ass beat. Samuel L. Jackson.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Atheistjustin Goes To Date Night, Fun Ensues

Last week I was a back up date for my main bitch who I will one day divorce. It was an interesting time as I was able to stand in a sea of unknown people and watch White People dance awkwardly.

The situation arose once more in which this nigga had to be a back up date.

My friend Pussy was going to Date Night, some sort of stupid fucking Sorority Dance thing, and called his roommate Jewish Wonder. It seemed that one of the girls no longer had a date and needed someone.

I was already wearing a button-up shirt. It was fate. I must go.

Jewish Wonder informed me there would be crowds of attractive women and loads of free liquor. Well, sign me up bitches because my penis is as inactive as Tom Brady's back up.

Fuck yeah I just used a football reference. Maybe now my dad will love me!

Anyway, I walk out in this fucking frozen tundra that is New Brunswick and headed over to this house. I arrive in front of the address and told Pussy to come out and greet me.

He steps out of the house and fell off the steps. I could immediately tell this was going to be an interesting night.

We went inside this Sorority house, of which I do not remember the name. I walked into a sea of people I have never fucking seen in my life and will never see ever again.

We spotted some freshmen we recognized and stood with them for a little bit. Then, I realized, it was time to meet my date.

The anticipation made my anus tight and my nipples stand tall.

Part of me wanted to not know her name so it could be even funnier to go the whole night not knowing it. In the end, it didn't really matter because I forgot it anyway.

My date was a 24 year old woman whom has lived in the said Sorority house for 5 years.




When I was in 6th grade, she was graduating high school.

I can't call her a girl, because she is not a girl. She is a fucking woman. We spoke throughout the night and I found out that she has a full time job, is a smoker, has a friend with a baby, and plans on moving to her own house soon.

Nigga I am 18 years old I just fucking figured out what ass tastes like. I am a baby. I am a child in the eyes of the world- I don't know shit. If you asked me how to pay a fucking mortgage I would probably ask for cookie dough or cocaine.

Probably cookie dough, though. On a slight tangent, I finished eating an entire bucket of cookie dough in a week and thus far have NOT contracted salmonella or Type 2 Diabetes. I am as surprised as you are. I am also a fat fuck.

Moving on, I decided not to drink before we left because I was concerned they would breathalyze male guests. Then my date told me to take a shot with her and I said 'fuck it.' I'm not going to argue with a grown woman- she knows what is best for me.

My Shirtless Roommate and Jewish Wonder kept texting me and telling me to fuck her. Bitch I am not gonna fuck this woman. She is a nice lady and all but I don't have the audacity to fuck someone who was born when my mom was 16.

Calling a cab was a bit messy since there were at least 40 people all trying to get cabs. My date wasn't gonna tolerate the bullshit of having to take the fucking school bus to the club so she and her posse hauled one cab and threw me in.

I sat in the back seat with 4 other grown adults, wondering how and why this was happening to me. I began my snapchat story and decided to take everyone who follows me on this journey with me.

We arrived at the club, which was smaller than I had thought it would be. There was nobody there I recognized yet since apparently they all took the bus. Fuck. I was alone, stranded in a club with people-adults- I did not know.

My date spent the majority of the night going to the bar to get drinks, smoking outside, and having casual conversations with me and some others. She was nice, I must say and I'm sure it was just as uncomfortable for her as it was for me to be in this 'blind-date' situation.

By 8:03 P.M. someone fucking vomited. Yep. I was fascinated at how someone could be so fucked up so early. My date wanted to go outside to smoke and told me to come with her. I wasn't really in the position to argue so I went to join her.

Outside is where the magic happened. First, we were accosted by a yelling, hostile woman who had been vomited on. The side of her dress was covered in chunks of meaty brown bile and she smelt like a mixture of sadness and intense rage. I was aroused.

To the right of me, over by a bench was the drunk-vomiting culprit and his date who were both fucked up immensely. The angry lady beside me was incredibly livid saying things like,

"oh this is funny? it's not going to be funny when I fucking castrate you."

"I'm going to cut your balls off."

"I love bananas."

This was not the highlight of this experience, ladies and gentlemen, NO. DO NOT STOP READING. HERE IS WHERE IT GETS GOOD.

Throughout the night, I kept going outside either to be with my date who was smoking or a buddy named Tom who was also smoking. And there were homeless people outside.

Legit homeless people. I was hard. And frightened. I pooped a little.

One homeless man, kept coming up to me and my acquaintances asking for money and such. I'll give you a brief description of the conversations.


"You look so beautiful in your dress! You're so pink like your dress you're beautiful! Do any of you have a real cigarette?"

"What wouldn't be a cigarette? Like one of those electronic ones?"

"Nah," *pulls out a blue fucking trash bag* "I got this bag full of tobacco and I roll it with papers but smoking it is just too harsh I need something with a filter."

*Date gives a cigarette*

"Thank you! You're really so beautiful. My name is Casper- I'm homeless on the street 2 months now."


"Any of you got a dollar?"

"Nah man I'm sorry I don't even have my debit card on me."

"Ah, I don't even understand these electronic things. I don't even know how to work a fuckin' cell phone. I've been in jail 15 years."

*I begin to breathe heavily and fear for my life* *I go inside the club as soon as possible*

By 9:15, a shit load of the people were gone since they all drank too much. My friends were all gone because Pussy's date, who we will call Magasourus Rex, was too fucked up they wouldn't let her back into the club.

A direct quote from Pussy.

"The guy goes to her, 'how many hands do I have up?' I whispered to Magasourus Rex like, 'one, just one' and she goes, 'FIVE!!!1' I had to admit, that was pretty clever of the guy."

Oh sweet Magasourus.

I got a call from Pussy saying he needed me to help him out and bring her back so I told my date I had to leave. She seemed cool with it and I thanked her for the night and ran, never to return.

It was a bizarre night being surrounded by adults, talking to Casper the Friendly Murdering Homeless Guy, and being on a blind date.

I leave you all now with a picture I took the next day where I found someone incredibly fucked up by the sink.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Atheistjustin Has A Fun Weekend And Then Ruins It By Going To Shitty Penn State

Alcohol is wonderful. If you’re a recovering alcoholic, you probably disagree with me. But if you’re an 18 year-old asshole like myself in college, you’re probably hung over reading this right now.

For some people, Alcohol changes you- it makes you a new person. Some people will drink to the point where they don't know who they are, what's going on, how they got where they are, and forget where they last left their pants.

My friend Asshole is a lot like this.

In addition to Asshole, JewishWonder and Pussy's neighbor is one of these people. For the intention of this blog, we will refer to him as IncrediblyStrongLacrosseGuy. Hopefully, he will enjoy this blog post and not beat the shit out of me.

One can only hope he doesn't jam the end of his lacrosse stick up my ass and torture me like Vlad the Impaler. Please leave my anus alone, sir.

Anyway, historically speaking, IncrediblyStrongLacrosseGuy gets really fucked up on weekends. He likes to fight things when he's drunk. Fortunately for my face and anus, the only person I have seen him fight was his roommate- and I am not him.

But he has fought other things- walls, cars, and other inanimate normalcies. This weekend, he fought a light- and by God did he win.

We were all sitting in his room, his roommate, another strong man, sat clutching his bloody nose. The stimulus for such an occurrence, I am unsure, but we sat there, about 8 or 9 of us, watching IncrediblyStrongLacrosseGuy do his thing.

In between shouting lines like, "BITCH YOU GUESSED IT" and "HOT NIGGA,"he blessed us with some stories and wonderful interactions with people. He clutched me on the shoulder and sang to me many times as I urinated in fear and laughter.

At some point, he grew violent and my roommate said something along the lines of, "one of these days you're going to end up punching your light."

Well, he fucking did it. Right there. He punched his fucking light. Right in his ceiling.

I died.

I had to leave the room from laughing so hard. When I returned, I found this.

People stuck around to help out and clean up the broken glass but all I could do was just stand there in amazement. I will never forget the moment when I watched his fist hit the fucking light and darkness capture the room. It will forever be one of the greatest things I have witnessed and I only regret not having it on film.

The day ensued with someone taping 40's to my hands but I did not drink them since I am not 21 years old.

I arose on Sunday and did what I do on most Sundays:


My roommate's girlfriend came over, Little Burrito, and she gave me some coffee her father sells on the black market. I will tell you all now, this coffee is so good it makes me want to cross the border but in the opposite direction.

Monday many will consider the weekend over. I am not one of those people. In college, every day is like a little adventure and it's like an endless summer.

So when a girl friend of mine asked me to come to Penn State to be her date for her formal, I couldn't say no.

That's right. I drove 250 fucking miles to mid-fuck-nowhere Pennsylvania. I know what you're all thinking- "you went to get some pussy right Justin? You did her dirty right?"

Even her mom said, "he's going to want something in return." Well my fellow readers and Rhonda, this was not my true reason for going.

You see, sometimes as a Rutgers student, you just want to say 'fuck Penn State.' Most of us, myself included, hate that cocksucker school. They can all suck my ass and I will fight you all using only my left breast and right testicle.

Unless of course Penn State wants to pay me for writing a blog about them in which case I love them and they are an amazing institution.

But anyway I went and put on a tie. My date explained to me, as well as everyone else, that "this dress is non-refundable and I just want to wear it."

What a fucking Jew.

We took some quality pics and I then saw Matt Levenkron, one of the most handsome Jews in all of New Jersey.

The highlight of this night was at the formal where the DJ put on the song "Shout," throwing back to the classic college film Animal House. If you haven't seen that movie you should either A. Kill yourself or B. Watch it right now.

The drive back the next morning was agonizing as I had to spend another 4 hours and 250 miles driving through the now illuminated state of Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania is probably the shittiest state in the U.S., aside from Kentucky. Driving through this Amish Land I passed 67 different farms and saw a total of 4 black people. I took some photos of the 'beautiful' mountain ranges of this land.

Fuck that place.

Getting back home was like taking a huge shit and cumming at the same time. I was so wiped out from driving that by 4PM I had to sleep and missed my class.

In other news:

While I am not busy doing school work, or masturbating, I am trying very rigorously to publish a short-story as well as my next book, Orange Juice. If any of you fuckers know any literary agents or publishing companies who would want to mass produce a bunch of words I put together, please let me know.

Thou can contact me at or always on twitter @atheistjustin

I leave you all with a 'fuck you' and a picture of Owen Wilson.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Atheistjustin Rants on the Internet

Do you ever spend weekends laughing like a 5 year old child on the floor for hours?

Do you ever wake up with a writhing headache and the insides of your asshole feel like they may fall out?

I had that experience.

And here is every tweet I made that night.

I ranted. 


And then finally I tweeted the next morning. 

Who IS Atheistjustin?

My photo
I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.