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Monday, July 29, 2013

Atheistjustin and The Summer of Music

When I was 4 years old, my mom would discipline me by putting me in 'Dark TIme Out.' This is exactly what it sounds like. She would throw me in a closet with no lights, lock me in it, and leave me in there for 5-10 minutes to suffer.

There is truly no better way to discipline your child because after that I fucking straightened up and flew right because the last place you want to be is in a 4 foot box where you aren't sure if its a jacket or a venomous spider touching your shoulder.

Unfortunately, to this day I sleep with a night light on and pee my pants whenever in a closet, so there are a few drawbacks.

What does this have to do with my blog post? Absolutely nothing, I just thought you all should know. It my also help explain why I'm so fucked up, but fuck Therapists they don't know no shit.

Now for the real news. So basically, I love music and play 7 instruments (8 if you count the bass guitar as a different instrument) (9 if you consider the Triangle an instrument) (10 if you consider masturbating an instrument).

And recently, I invested $557 of the money I made slaving in Tilly's toward recording equipment. I set it up and have been working on my 'album' this summer and is partially to blame for my slack of putting up blog posts.

But there is lots of good news. First off, my blog is going to be changing names. Soon, this website will no longer be atheistjustin.blogspot.com OH NO, instead, it will be, the greatest name of all time, simply, eloquently, atheistjustin.com

FUCK YEAH BITCHES THIS SHIT GON BE FUKN ITS OWN DOMAIN NAME N SHIT FUCKIN LEGIT ASS MOTHAFUCKA.

This means Ima have Ads, money, merchandise, customized mugs, porn, and some legit website type of shit on this motherfucker. I anticipate 900 Million subscribers of this website as it will make Facebook eat my shit. Because, fuck Facebook.

There will be a separate tab/section/nipple for downloading my music, as well as the music of some of my friends. This is good news to all my black friends, because this means they can have their mixtapes downloaded off Datpiff AND a place where white people go!

Yeah!!! Integration!! Woohoo!!

Unfortunately, I only have 2 black friends and they both think I'm racist. But that's okay because I have a white rapper friend whose music I'll also put up here. In addition to the 'album' I'm also working on a 'super-cool' music video where I eat vomit and fecal matter out of a cup with my friend Joe.

I believe my idea MAY have been taken by 2 lesbians in a video entitled "Two Girls One Cup" but who really knows.

I only ask that my fans (mom and Becky Rios) wait just a little while for my project to be done. It will be great, it will make your nipples moist, and most importantly, it will help make me more famouser.

And I keep using the word album with quotes because as opposed to normal albums, mine will be totally free. Because, after all, people don't pay for Jay-Z's albums or Kanye's so who the fuck is going to spend money on music made by another white kid in skinny jeans?

I know I wouldn't. And it certainly doesn't help that my musician name, "Justin Cassidy," makes me sound like a metrosexual ass-eater.

Well, with my updates finished I would like to leave you all with a beautiful picture of my album cover.

Art by Nathan Sawaya, courtesy of brickartist.com, photoshopping done by my Grandma.




Just for the record, yes that IS me, and YES I did come out of the giant lego statue in the middle of nowhere. 









Saturday, July 20, 2013

Atheistjustin Styles His Facial Hair... Poorly

I started going through puberty at age 9 when I looked down at my balls one day and saw them clothed in a fuzz which I could only describe as 'like clown hair." No, my pubic hairs are not red, but they do grow like a Jewish boy's perm.

And so, after fiercely touching my penis for a couple years, I grew during the awkward stages of puberty right around middle school and by 7th grade I had peach fuzz on my upper lip.

I had a stache.

It looked both Mexican and unfortunate, just the way the Ladies love it.

I began shaving in 8th grade with my first straight razor which I was awarded after babysitting my mom's best friend's son. I was psyched and I remember my first shave. Since I don't live with my dad, I just kind of had to figure out how to do it myself.

Seemed pretty easy, just put the cummy goo all over your face and wipe it off with the extremely sharp blade.

This process took me approximately 28 minutes.

But it was my first shave and my first step at being a man. I had the pride of being one of the few 13 year olds in my school that could shave something that grew out of my face.

By 14, I had styled my facial hair into what we refer to as "a chinstrap." This not only made me look like a Puerto-Rican drug dealer, but also showed off my overpowering masculinity.

I remember a sophomore asking me, "You have a beard and you're 14? Did your balls drop the second you were born?"

I think he was bullying me, but I took it as a compliment. Sorry Michele Obama, but I'm not a pussy.

Nowadays, I flaunt my beautiful beard and am often complimented on its strength, softness, and the fact that it hides my horrible acne. Plus, the homeless people in the neighborhood like to eat food out of it.

But yesterday, my senior pictures were taken and I couldn't help but feel old. As a way of being childish again, I made the decision to shave off everything, except for the mustache. Oh yes, I had a motherfucking mustache for an entire day. I will show you all this journey now.

FIRST, The Shaving Process Step By Step

Pre Shave, Full Beard


The sensual side shot


Wow, I'm fucking handsome


Half Gone. I still am gorgeous.


This is the douschebag facial hair with the bottom chin-pubes and mustache. Not quite funny, but definitely provocative. 




The Finished, beautiful project.



 Part II, doing shit with my mustache.






Mirror Selfie, with a mustache,

Selfie, with a mustache.

I resemble the world's greatest child molester

Hangin' with Scarface, with a Mustache.

With John Lennon, and a Mustache.

Selfie in my mom's room, with a mustache.

Pissing off my mom, with a mustache.

Me and some ducks, with a mustache.

Getting some Vitamin C, with a mustache,

Drinkin' some coffee, with a mustache

Gettin' Crunk, with a mustache.

Eating yogurt, with a mustache. This is my personal favorite. Look how the yogurt falls from my lips, sensually. I resemble the perfect rapist.

Taking a tumblr photo, with a mustache.

In Joe's BMW, with a mustache.

Once again, with my boyfriend. 

Making music, with a mustache.

Playing guitar, at a horrible angle, with a mustache.

You know you have a problem when you actually like this picture of me, with a motherfucking mustache. Or as some call it, a Moustache. But fuck them because that's gay as fuck.

Reading the Diary of Anne Frank, with a mustache.

While reading the Diary of Anne Frank with a mustache, one cannot help but look like a dickhead police officer. 

Looking terrifying with Joe, and a mustache. 

With a homeless person from Boston, and my mustache

Lurking in a parking lot, with a mustache.

With Noah, whom did not have a mustache.

A man truly in awe at my mustache. 

Wearing sunglasses, with a mustache.



PART III, ACCESSORIZING MY MUSTACHE TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL


I found Mustache Wax at good ol' CVS and simply made the realization that I had to purchase it. It was here that my life changed forever and it would never be the same. The next few photos will not only be Extra Large, but also incorporate the greatest thing I have ever done to my face.

I motherfucking curled that shit.



Yes, yes, it IS the Pringles guy.







 It may pain some to know this, but after having a handlebar mustache, I had to kill it. I shaved off my upper lip hair and currently resemble a normal looking, handsome man.

More adventures soon to come.
















Sunday, July 14, 2013

Atheistjustin Has Technical Difficulties Whilst Trying to Make Music

I'm gonna make this quick- because I'm in the middle of ripping my ass hairs out and killing the local Korean Hookers. I hate Apple more than Jewish people hate pork. Between their monopoly on music, entertainment, and electronics to their 'customer service' Apple makes me want to burn down anything with a sleek steel shine. That means you too William Shatner.

My best friend's father gave me a brand new MacBook Pro to help me with recording my Album. I know that I probably just wrote the single most ridiculously white and hipster sentence of all time, but you can all go fuck yourself because thats whats going on in my life. You know what you're doing with your life? Reading my shitty blog.

Thanks a lot for that, but seriously, get a life.

So I get the Mac and I was almost too shocked to accept it. I went recording some shit on Garageband and all seemed to be working fine. Then, a friend of mine gave me Pro Tools 8, which is a more advanced, more professional software.

That ended up fucking me so hard in the ass I may as well have renamed myself Amanda Bynes.

After installation, I came to learn that this software will not function unless you have equipment made by the same company.

Insert smiley face emoji. Insert gun emoji.

Insert God's middle finger going up my asshole because that's pretty much what happened.

This makes almost no sense, because on the box of my equipment it states in big, red letters "PRO TOOLS 9 READY!!" But whoop-da-dee-fuck-you-in-the-ass-a-doo Pro Tools 8 won't accept that shit and it won't even open.

So I was upset, figured I could go back to Garageband and record some shit on there and just do my best to make my music sound as professional as I could.

But oh no, now Garageband is frozen, keeps telling me there's a problem with MIDI's, and is jumping up and down my dock in an effort to try and kill itself.

My only hope now is to uninstall Pro Tools 8, because I think it made my Garageband angry.

Now, you might be asking yourself, "what does this have to do with Apple? Clearly its all Pro Tools' fault." OR, you could be asking yourself, "what am I doing with my life that I'm reading this kid's blog?"

But to answer your first question, I am salty at Apple for their 'genius' customer service. I called them, was redirected 3 times, spent 12 minutes of my life talking to these people, and came to find out that my computer is limited on its service and that if I want additional help I have to pay for it or schedule and appointment at the Apple store.

How about you go fuck yourself :)

This then reminded me of how Apple is always so crowded, because their shit is always broken and needs fixing. This is probably due to the fact that their cheaply made, overly expensive bullshit is so terrible that a Vietnamese boy could make something more durable out of rocks and his mother's pubic hairs.

My analogies have only gotten worse and worse as this blogpost has continued and so it is time for me to depart and just let you all know that since I have a Mac now, I'm going to get an iPhone 5.

This is good news for you, because who knows just how pissed off I'm going to be with this hunk of iShit when I get it.


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Atheistjustin and the Angry Lesbian

It was one of those nights where my friends and I decided to be ignorant and annoying to the common public when I encountered a terrifying lesbian. As I recall, Noah and I had spent our hours after work coordinating our rambunctious outfits together.

We were under the assumption tonight was going to be a night at a random party in a town we did not live in and so- we decided to show up and represent another town that they didn't know. But of course, we had to do this looking like fucking crazy people.

It brings us no greater joy than for someone to look at us and say, "What a couple of dick swallowing faggots..." This statement, by the way, has been stated to us on multiple occasions throughout our years together, though none of us have ever swallowed any dicks.

Yet.

Of course with every tale I place on this website, this one had to get fucked up because why should anything ever go to plan. Noah and I had to wait an extra hour for the ladies in our lives to figure out what the fuck was actually happening, so we went to the mall.

We were on a mission- a quest, to find a simple item worn by fishermen and black rappers alike- the Bucket Hat.

 
 
Our mission seemed easy enough, but we forgot that everybody in Monmouth County is a fucking idiot. And so, only 2 Asians knew what they even were. Both of them were dresssed extremely fresh and I wanted to touch them but certain 'sexual harassment' laws prevent me from doing such.
 
We even journeyed into My workplace, Tilly's, only to find that their bucket hats are made out of the saddest quality of Chinese Labor ever.
 
I took a cute selfie with someone I work with. I hope he enjoys the fact I put him on my blog. I also hope he doesn't sue me.
 

welcome to tilly's


 

Noah's full outfit


A cute selfie with my boy.
 
Basically, everybody was staring at us and making some sideways comments. It was a great time to kill time but sadly nobody had a bucket hat. And so, we ventured to pick up the two whores that would give us real plans for the night.
 
We drove off to a magical land called Marlboro, which is an ancient German word for 'Pirate's Tampon,' and came to a "party." My use of quotes clearly explains that this was actually a staff party for members at Rolling Hills day camp. Now, this might sound ridiculous, because it is, but one of our friends actually works there. Did we get in? Nope. Why? Because our friend wouldn't get us in.
 
Thanks whore.
 
And so, we instead went around the block and went to where we heard another party was. Driving past the destination, we saw 8 people in a garage.
 
Oh.
 
Not a party.
 
Just some people hanging out.
 
kk.
 
So we parked ahead, away from the house and waited for further plans. However, the car right ahead of us seemed to be doing the same. We realized it was a gang full of people we semi-knew and so we headed over to their car to talk out a new plan.
 
We were there for 15-20 minutes and the entire time the 8 people in the garage kept looking over at us. Obviously we were a little eye-catching and since my friend Alice is loud enough to piss off a deaf person, we probably annoyed them a little.
 
And so it was only natural that someone would come over to us.
 
And this is where I made an intriguing encounter.
 
Everybody else was fucking retarded and so I told them that I would do all the talking. When the arriving persons were in close proximity I explained, "I apologize, we thought there was a party here but clearly its just you guys hanging out so were just figuring out what were trying to do."
 
I wasn't being a dick or anything and I truly was trying to just explain the situation. Unfortunately, I was speaking to someone whom had an IQ of a drunk 3rd grader.
 
"How old are you?"
 
I refrained from answering because since I'm only 17 I technically have to obey a curfew which at this point in time I was realllllllly going over.
 
"I know you're not retarded how old are you?"
 
I replied, "That's not nice."
 
She then began to ask the others around me their ages and they actually replied so when she came back to me I replied with, "Atheistjustin, nice to meet you."
 
She was not enthused.
 
It was at this point I realized she had a tall black friend beside her and I was terrified that he would beat my ass and so I just told her I was 17.
 
Now, before I proceed, I'd like to explain that I'm not entirely sure this was a woman, this very well could have just been a fat man with man-boobs. But there was something in this voice that said, "I have a vagina."
 
She was wearing an elegant neon-green shirt which said, Young And Reckless as well as a chain. Just a chain. No emblem or anything. I found this very funny because its something I actually used to make fun of with my clothing brand- Old And Cautious
 
Yes, this is patented.
 
 
She then suddenly took an even more aggressive turn for the worse and I'll just give you the dialogue from here.
 
"Well, if you want to get into my parties, you have to be 21. Everyone here is 21 or older except for this girl but I've known her my entire life."
 
^She told us this, as if we gave any fucks about her life at all.
 
"I don't really care what you guys are doing but I'm gonna ask that you don't stay in the front of my house.. this is my street... I know all the cops in Marlboro... I am an Angry Lesbian (ad-libbed),... and if you don't leave I will fuck you up in every way possible, I'm in the army so..."
 
JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T REALIZE IT-
 
SHE SAID SHE WAS IN THE ARMY.
 
So many questions. So few answers. So much angry lesbianism.
 
It was here that I already had some critiques for her. Keep in mind, I said none of these to her.
 
1. What does knowing all the cops have to do with anything? Were standing on the street doing nothing illegal.
2. Have you blown every cop in Marlboro? Is that why you know them all?
3. Why are you telling me your life story?
4. What makes you think I want to go to your "party" in your garage with 8 people I don't know?
5. Are you a man or a woman because I truthfully have no idea.
6. If you're in the army, why are you threatening minors?
7. Do you think your chain looks good on your neon-green shirt?
 
Noah and I are not confrontational people and do not fight. The only time we will ever be confrontational, is if we feel like we have been truly wronged. And since we didn't feel that way, I just said, "That's not very nice, sorry for ruining your night or whatever" and headed back into my own vehicle with my friends.
 
As I was walking away the black man, whom had said nothing this whole time, told us, "Hey, I like your shirts though!"
 
It was here I knew my night was complete.
 
I regret not doing anything after because in retrospect, I could have had a lot of fun. I could have honked my horn, blasted my music, screamed "you're one angry lesbian!", or any combination of those three. On the ride home, we did hypothesize calling the police on them, but we realized that 1. there was no music playing and 2. they were all of age to drink so we couldn't bust them.
 
I don't think I'll ever truly get revenge on this Angry Lesbian but I do remember the address to her house so I'll just leave it at that.
Noah and I had left his house with the hopes that we could go to a crowded party, filled with people we didn't know, and just make asses out of ourselves by saying that we were on a bowling team from Colts Neck.
 
But it seems the universe instead, gave us an angry lesbian. And so, the night gave me a true life lesson, "When you ask for apples and hope for apple juice, you get Lesbian Lemons and have to make Lesbian Lemonade."
 
This concludes my first encounter with any Angy Lesbian but I'm sure it won't be the last.

Who IS Atheistjustin?

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.