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Friday, May 31, 2013

Atheistjustin Has A Memorial Day Weekend

Last year, my memorial weekend was fucking retarded. I slept in a tent, got with no bitches, and put up all my gay ass problems on my blog. And so, absolutely nothing will be different this year and, as usual, I will tell y'all about my fun life.

By fun, I mean unprecedentedly depressing.

And by unprecedentedly depressing, I mean I'm a herb.

Since it's been a week, and I have a shitty memory because I smoke way too much crack, I'm not totally sure what happened. I DO know, that I started my day off working and dyed my hair pink because my manager just said, "hey, you're my bitch so let me color your hair with some new shipment we got."

And to that I retorted: "please don't fire me."

And so- my weekend started off like this

There was a party happening after work and so I went over my best friend Noah's residence so that we could kiss tenderly and massage one another. Picking up Joe and Noah's girlfriend, we headed to the party. I maintained my role as designated driver and did not drink and drive. Instead, I smoke the meth pipe my homeless friend 'Jack' gave me on the sidewalk.

At Noah's house, I knew the night would end up rainy and so I prepared myself by wearing the ugliest hat Noah owns, which I bought him, of course.

As a side note, Noah is the owner of over 87 hats and I am not using hyperbole nor exaggeration. This fucking kid has 87 different coverings for his head- only 3 of which are ever worn. He is, in other words, a fucking ass clown. But we love Noah because he... ugh.. well you know, he's Jewish.

And so, we reached the party, parking down the block so that a quick escape could be made in the event any police officers were to make an uninvited appearance. In other words, we were gonna haul some motherfuckin' ass.

Now, as designated driver, I cannot drink or do drugs- which I wouldn't do anyway because I'm under 21 and drugs are illegal. Plus, I'm a pussy. I also knew that any single ladies at the party would undoubtedly be hooking up with the gentlemen selling marijuana and/or the men whom were going to this party merely to get some action.

Being that I was not one of these people, my only intention the entire night was to dance.

Dance. Dance I tell you.

People were quite confused, and there was many a time in which the African-American gentlemen approached me inquiring, "Damn nigga, what da fuck you on? Dis nigga on molly or some shit, damn."

I wanted to reply to him, "no sir, I doth not need Molly for dancing is an activity I enjoy without the use of drugs." Unfortunately, I was too high on Molly to articulate these words.

Just kidding grandma, I don't take molly.

The whole night most people stuck to beer or whatever liquor they had, but I was dehydrated and instead drank tap water in a red solo cup.

The party was XXL and pretty packed, there had to have been over 100 people in this backyard. What made it interesting was that there were some females at this party dressed in tiny shorts and shirts that said, "I have daddy issues."

Now, being that I am a gentlemen, I did not find much enjoyment out of staring these women and groping their behinds. Instead, I enjoyed when they got rained on.

And it was 55 degrees. Fucking idiots.

Towards the end of the night, there was one girl throwing up on people's shoes, a couple of people throwing bottles, some people falling in the pool, and suspicion of the police arriving. It was a jolly good time.

It was around 10:45 when a good homie of mine who we'll call McIrishDrunkinLad tipped me off that the police were on their way.

I took a few photos with some homies of mine, and departed. By departed I mean I grabbed my friends and hauled ass.

Our night was far from over- we had little desire in ending our night at 11 because, my friends and I have no common sense. So instead, we headed over to the Manalapan diner where we engaged in conversation with some hot waitress and I ordered 2 pieces of plain toast and coffee. Noah ordered pudding. Why he did that, we still don't understand entirely.

Noah also wanted me to spread the information that chocolate pudding and coffee do not mix well.

Fortunately, most people aren't dumb enough to try putting those things together.

We still knew we had a bit of a night left for us. So by 11:30 we headed over to our friend Amanda's house in order to drop off Shannon and also enjoy the company of some drunk women whom may touch my penis.

Safe to say, they did not.

I tried to get gas at this hour only to find out that gas stations apparently have closing times. Super gay.

After pointlessly spending a forty-five minutes with this drunk whore

me and the boys headed back to Noah's to enjoy a nights rest.

Saturday night soon came and with a car full of people and a night full of fun ahead of us. we drove off to yet another party taking place at about 9:30 at night. This party was in a basement and had a fantastic DJ set up. There was a large crowd and many attractive females. Knowing that I once again had absolutely no chance with any of them, I stuck with my usual routine of dancing.

This went well for quite some time, as a circle formed around me and people began video taping me. I'm not quite sure where this tapes went, but I can assure you I have been checking porn hub frequently in order to find them. My search has ended with my shorts around my ankles, narrowly every time.


And so, I proceeded to my 1997 Subaru Outback, and blasted Classical music driving away. People were as confused as they were drunk.

Still with a night ahead of me and my companions, I set out into the night to search for another party. There was one, indeed, yet the attending peoples were kicked out even before we could get there. At this point, Noah and I had realized we were in close proximity to our old elementary schools and decided to pay tribute to these facilities by taking selfies outside them.

We also passed by the house of the girl I fell in love with in the 8th grade, whom Noah dated. We also took selfies in front of that house, but for legal reasons I'm just gonna be extra safe and not put those on the internet. Also, her dad has weapons.

The weekend ensued though our Saturday night ended at 1:45 A.M. with the 3 boys watching Meatballs with Bill Murray. It was rough.

Sunday rolled along and I was able to head to an extravagant Pump It Up employee party at my friend's friend's house. Needless to say, I knew 2.5 of the people there which made it super uncomfortable and awkward- just the way I like it.

This man had arms so big they could have eaten me

Sunday night ended with me cuddling next to a man named RJ on a pull out bed in a basement in Freehold. Let's say, that night got wild. The next morning we headed to a diner and enjoyed some delicious overpriced food. The Monday of Memorial Day I spent about 0 seconds remembering anything about our Veterans and instead went to the liquor store with Noah's dad, Noah, and Shannon his girlfriend.

Needless to say, it was once again another Atheistjustin type of Memorial Day weekend, and I'm sure next year's will be just as unbelievably depressing and disappointing.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Atheistjustin Enjoys The Work Place

Firstly, I would like to apologize for taking so long to write a new blogpost, but you can all suck 2 dicks and die, because I am too busy to worry about your AIDS and write a blogpost when I have a job to do. And let's not forget that Manalapan Prom and my birthday have raped me with no time left to spend on typing away on this gay ass website.

Yet today, I sit before my computer typing away as I have yet another exciting tale to give to all of you. I would also like to give you all an STI, but I can't do that over the Internet yet. And so without further ado: let me give you the tale of Justin Hawthorne, yesterday.

It was 7 in the morning when I arose. I was in a deep state of "Everybody can die" as I walked downstairs. I showered, put on a spiffy outfit, and headed into my vehicle. I arrived at Tilly's at 8:47 a.m. about 13 minutes before my shift began.

Normally, I work between 3-7 in the thick of the Jewish afternoon when a swarm of Orthodox Jews walk in and ask me about sales. However, today was no normal day. Today, we had a 'band' coming in to do a signing. As I walked into the store, I passed by an already forming line full of fat girls with bad acne and god-awful teeth. Seriously, I don't think one of those bitches has ever used a motherfucking toothbrush.

I walked in and saw tables being set up, a tent being posted, and my nipples dripping in excruciating agony. I spent the morning talking to my fellow associates, one of them we will refer to as Jesus.

He is named Jesus in this blog post, because like Jesus, he stands at over 6 feet tall, has long hair, a long beard, and was born December 25th. I am almost positive that he IS the second coming of Christ. Jesus and I got to talking about this 'band' and how awful they are. We thought of how brilliantly awesome it would be for them to die in a fiery ball of death and just never show up.

Jesus hypothesized the act of going out to the line and saying, "Yeah, so, they're not going to be here.. they're dead. You can all go home now." Sadly, this theory was never unfolded nor tested, because they lived.

After arriving 45 minutes late, these two sluts came walking in. I realized moments before that like the girls outside- awkward, large, and smelly- my sister might too like these talentless ass clowns.
I texted her, inquiring if she likes them. She informed me that she was, indeed, a great fan of this group of faggots. Immediately I saw my opportune to piss her off. I took a selfie, actually 2, and sent them to her immediately.

Because these pussies are little bitches, I am sure if I put up their image I'll be sued and so I have kept them in my own possession to throw darts in. 

She was pretty pissed off and jealous and this was probably the only thing about these people that was even slightly appealing to me.

The doors opened like floodgates to annoying people. We were open for business but I think we made a total of 5 sales because everybody there was just there to see the 'band' and so we made shit money.

It was actually pretty great because I had nothing to do except dance- which is what I do everyday in Tilly's. It's come to the point where I just get paid to dance and fold.

Basically, my life is awesome.

As I danced in the store, the line outside happened to catch me and were laughing and video taping me. At one point, it seemed like I was a bigger event then the two ass clowns inside the store, and that was pretty awesome. One gay Indian boy wanted my number and also wanted to dance with me.

If I wasn't gay both of those things would have happened.

But instead he only got my number.

I don't suck that many dicks.

I actually danced so much that I sweat pretty hardcore, but only out of one armpit as I have a condition called 'hypohydrosis.' Basically, I sweat more out of one armpit than the other and its wonderful.

The day proceeded until the line was over and the signing was also by just 1 O'clock- only an hour and 15 minutes after they arrived. When the storm was over, I asked the guys to sign a little something for my sister. The one with sunglasses on, David, could not spell Kathleen and so I had to spell it to him.

Musical. Genius.

After I had this signed, I took a good look at the two guys. The one with the blond Mohawk actually wasn't too bad. I mean, sure, he had a blond Mohawk, but he had on a button down shirt and a tie and I guess was trying to look nice for his fans. He was a nice guy and shook my hand and gave off this impression that he was the one with any musical ability. I actually liked him and he is not a flaming faggot.

The other faggot was wearing sunglasses inside with a backwards hat and had on the tightest skinny jeans I have ever seen- which by the way, were bedazzled. Yes. Bedazzled skinny jeans.

Let that sink in.




Fuck that guy.

They left at the same time I did- my shift was over. But the story does not end here. As I headed to my car, I saw the crew (the faggot and his faggot friends) standing outside. I had to pass by them and said 'howdy' in a friendly way. But as I was in my car, about to drive to my friend's house, I realized I had to do something.

It was for Jesus. He hated them as much as I did and he said nothing to them. I knew I had to correct this- one of us HAD to say something to these faggot losers. And so- as I drove past them I rolled my windows down and shouted the only thing I could think of-


I then sped away, slamming on the gas, and almost ran over a lady whom did not take the situation quite kindly. After awkwardly having to wait at a stop sign and let cars pass, I knew my day was done and my mission fulfilled.

It was a fun day, a good day, and an adventure at the work place. I only hope I'm not fired.

Who IS Atheistjustin?

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.