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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Atheistjustin Explains Millenial Social Cliques

Well basically I'm a lazy piece of shit , but what can I tell you, I have fucking things to do. It was actually while I was busy doing some of my English work in class that a fellow peer pointed out that I should do commentary on the different styles of groups in our school. First, I punched him in the nipples and told him to never speak to me as if I wasn't a god. But then, I took his idea into consideration.

And since I have nothing else to write about, it looks like that's what's going on.

Fuck you.

Anyway, I think a good place to start would be people like me: the hipsters. I'd like to add a little mini story here and tell you all that recently I went into a Starbucks, beside a Barnes&Noble, and felt as if I was in a land of my people. I looked all around and saw bearded, glass-wearing, skinny-jean wearing, expensive coffee drinking, collared shirt wearing, laptop blogging hipsters.

I was immediately at home and looked around and saw 12 clones of myself. Unfortunately for them, I'm cooler.

Fuck hipsters. While I may be one, I have to say that ones that ACTUALLY go to coffee shops to blog, write, and drink $6.87 coffee are people that are craving for someone to blow them. They dream of having someone tell them how smart, funny, and witty they are and I swear to god, the next time you see a hipster just tell him: I love your tumblr. When I say that their reaction looks like a cross between an orgasm and taking a huge shit, I mean it.

Let's go into greater description of my people. Now keep in mind, to every rule there are exceptions. If everyone really fit these profiles I'm about to give to you, we'd be in a shitty Sci-Fi book and I'm not about that life. These qualities and descriptions will match people in their own way, and maybe "labeling" these people makes me look like a bully or someone who's unfair, but you can eat shit.

I'm just a real man. And also, a huge asshole.

SO. Let us begin.


HIPSTERS


-courtesy of Google images

  • Shop at places like Urban Outfitters, H&M, Forever 21, "thrift stores" (that just really means Urban Outfitters)
  • Wears: glasses, tight pants, upscale quality tops, scarves, cardigans, vans, boots, shit that has triangles, optionally has a beard/mustache/long side burns
  • Does: writes, has a blog (generally a tumblr), listens to Indie rock or music that isn't 'mainstream', quotes the Breakfast Club, fucks their Macbook, drinks coffee and tea, and live/want to live in California or New York
  • Personality- ranges between nice person to stuck up asshole (usually asshole)
  • Smell wonderfully though some extremists don't shower
  • Been around since the dawn of man, I imagine the first hipster was a caveman that used a spear "before it was mainstream."
  • Music Affiliated- indie rock

Example of famous hipsters: Me, Tyler the Creator (he's a chocolate hipster), Ellen DeGeneres, My English teacher in 12th grade


THE NEW JOCKS


Back when I was a kid, there were jocks on TV that wore their varsity jackets, picked on the little kids, and played sports. Now a days, the term 'jock' is pretty gay and if you ever call a football player a jock he'd probably just keep walking past you or maybe call you a faggot. The ideology of the jock is dead but here are some principles that kind of stick with these people.

  • Shops at places like Champs, Footlocker, Foot Action, the Nike store, the Adidas store, Epic, and the Disney store. Don't ask me why, they just fucking do okay?
  • Wears- Nike or Adidas shoes, shorts (sometimes all year round), jeans, mainstream t-shirt brands like Obey or Diamond Supply, snap backs, and occasionally chains
  • Optionally have chinstraps (also called Douschebag Beards), or beards without mustaches
  • Does- sports or sometimes only slightly enjoys an activity like basketball, stays within their cliques and only makes fun of minorities, generally only talk shit and don't really fight anyone except each other, have many sexes, smoke pot occasionally, drink/eat whatever the fuck they want
  • Range from nice guy to dirty asshole
  • Smell like axe cologne
  • They outnumber hipsters and most other groups
  • Originated in the late 80's based on sports wear. I imagine the first person to craft this style was black
  • Music Affiliated- Rap, Hip-Hop, R&B, and Michael Bublè
Examples of Famous New Jocks: every black athlete since 1980, rappers, drug dealers, Noah 8th grade to 10th.

SCENE KIDS




I fucking hate these people. Scene kids annoy me because, like Freshmen, they don't shut the fuck up and are incredibly loud and obnoxious. The biggest problem with scene kids is that they're loud visually, audibly, and emotionally. There is nothing more annoying than when 2 scene girls see each other at the mall because they have to make a big deal out of it.


"OH MYYY GAWWWDD I HAVN' SEEEN U IN LYK 5 MINETS!"
"OHHH MYY GAWDDD I KNOWWW LEZ SHOUT SUM MORE!!!!!!!!!!"

Also, most of them are pretty fucking rich, or at least richer than me, and still claim to be all sad about shit. Don't know how that works, but whatever.
  • Shops at places like Hot Topic, Spencer's, Tilly's (occasionally), Zumiez (occasionally), and any place that sells Hello Kitty merchandise
  • Wears loud colors, has hair combed over eyes and face, has dyed hair, has gauges or multiple piercings, multiple tattoos are optional, vans or Osiris (the ugliest shoes of all time) are warn with their obnoxiously colorful attire
  • Does- shouts, giggles, spends money, create scenes of themselves, focuses attention on themselves, speak loudly, and listen to death metal
  • Smell interesting, sometimes poopy
  • Range from nice to annoying as shit
  • Originated from Emo's. It has been established by philosophers that the first Scene kid was just a Goth kid having a good day.
  • Music Affiliated- Metal, Death Metal, the kinds of bands where you want to punch the lead singer
*Goth kids no longer exist

Famous examples: That whore from Paramore, Those assholes in Sleeping With Sirens, people that are in bands and comb their hair over their eyes

LONG HAIR KIDS


-shout out to Ned.


I only mean guys here. Now, I feel like spending a little time on these kids because they are a group, and a group of their own. While you can find hipsters and scene kids with long hair, you don't necessarily need to be one or the other to just be a long haired kid. Also, I like these people.

THE NERDS/ASIANS/INDIANS
^generally, they're the same thing
High Expectations Asian Father


I love nerds. Partially, because I am one at heart. With my infatuation of Star Wars, my love of art and music, and my very tiny penis, I am, in one way or another, a nerd at heart. While my faggot-hipsterness has overtaken most of my inner nerd, it is still present.

  • Shops at- doesn't shop a lot. Unless it's GameStop.
  • Wears-Baggy jeans, New Balance, Sketchers, target clothes, t-shirts with references to online media and Star Wars
  • Does- Video-Games, study*, plays instrument, Facebooks, enjoys the crack cocaine, reads
  • Originated in Ancient Mesopotamia with whichever asshole invented Math
  • Smell bad or smells like deodorant
  • Normally very nice people, but sometimes you get some real asshole, cliquey nerds.
  • Music Affiliated- Classic Rock, Old Shit, My dick
Famous Nerds: Conan O'Brian, Obama, Abraham Lincoln

SNEAKERHEADS



These people are certainly not enemies of Atheistjustin, but I don't understand their obsession. While I do love my vans, I do not understand the ideology of sneakerheads. I don't understand why a person feels the need to wait 6.5 hours to buy a piece of plastic and rubber made by a starving Asian kid. The dumbest thing about these people, is that they buy these brand new shoes, hold on to them for 2 weeks and wear them once, and then sell them.

why.

why.

  • These people are pretty much the same thing as the New Jock, but are in love with Air Jordans.
Famous Examples: Mac Miller, Every Black rapper, Joe Sada.


With all that information, I'm sure you can decide for yourself who fits into these categories and see who you are! Chances are, you're just a regular piece of shit and have qualities of multiple groups.


I leave you all now, with a picture of a man nobody is really sure of. Not even Atheist Justin.



Who IS Atheistjustin?

My photo
I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.