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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Atheistjustin and The Ratchetmobile

I live in a town with a bunch of rich white Jews and Italians and so everybody drives some nice ass cars around here. You can actually find 17 year old girls crying because their parents bought them the 2013 Mercedes-Benz and not the 2014 one. Yes, yes, that really happened.

And it is because I live in a town with rich, snooty white folk, that I love driving the biggest piece of shit of machinery ever known to man. I have mentioned him previously in past blog posts, but I have never truly gone into depth about this shitty, shitty vehicle.

Firstly, I'll explain that my mom had a 2003 Hyundai Elantra for a while until it was totaled in an accident in which 2 hippies hit us and broke the axels. Thanks a lot you hippie whores. 

When we sold the car for scrap metal, we received a charitable $3,500 from the dooshbags over in midfucknowhere-ville New Jersey. With the small amount of money we had, we went to our friend Will whom owns a garage and gas station in Princeton.

His neighborhood of business is full of both Mexicans and drug dealers, the ideal spot for selling and repairing cars. 

He gave us a few options and since she was in charge of the money, she got to decide which car we were going to spend the next few years driving. God damn do I wish I was the one in charge. 

This car is a 1997 Subaru Outback which looks exactly likes a station wagon but drives like an old man's anus. I'll go into details into the specifications a little later. 

Before I show any pictures of MY actual car, I'd like to let you all know that you can actually SEE the same exact car within the first 8 seconds of the intro of the show The Sopranos.

There it is, right in the middle. The big, blue hunk of shit right there. You have no idea how hard my nipples were when I saw that. First of all, I have a severe addiction to the Sopranos and have stopped spending my Summer trying to get pussy but instead watching this show. I am up to Season 3 and my Italian accent gets a little thicker with every episode.

Coincidentally, I have developed a cigar smoking habit and my chest hair as grown at an exponential rate. I can only imagine this is because of my love for Tony Soprano. RIP James Gandolfini

So now that I've explained to you why I have this car, I think I should go into detail about how much of a piece of whore shit this car is. Okay, first lets start off with some lovely photographs.

It almost looks like it's crying.

Yes, yes, that IS a fucking apple sticker my mom put on the back of the car. And YES, YES, THAT IS MY MOMS FUCKING BLOG ON A FUCKING BUMPERSTICKER ON MY FUCKING RATCHETASSFUCKING CAR. 


 Look at this fucking car. Take a good look and really inhale all the ratchetness of it. First off, you have a lovely rust stain that looks like someone wiped their own shit on the front of it, just to give off that lovely first impression.

Then you have all the dents, scratches, and broken parts thanks to its previous owners.

On a sidenote- I went through the car's glovebox and found a photograph of 2 black children. I am not joking, this really happened to me. My car was formerly driven by a black man/woman with 2 small children. Okie dokie.

For added Ghettofab, I threw some dice in the mirror. I think it says, "I'm not only poor but I think I'm black too!"

Take a close look here and you'll notice that my car has a Tape deck.Yes, this fucking car is so old that it actually can play tapes. I'll bet at least 6 of my readers don't even fucking know what tapes are. 

Now that you've seen the car's lovely interior and exterior, we can all enjoy the specifications of this hunk of shit on wheels.

Now, I'm going to make a little chart with all the 'Good' things about the car and all the 'Shitty' things. You might notice that all the 'Good' things actually just make it more ratchet.

  • Has brakes that only 'sometimes' works
  •  Gets 20 miles to the gallon
  •  Has no horsepower
  • Front right blinker doesn't work and can't be fixed because its too rusty
  •  The car windshield is always dirty, no matter how often you clean it
  •  Starts to smoke and make violent noises if you leave it parked too long with the engine running
  • Leaks oil everywhere 
  •  Looks like a rapist
  • The Air conditioning  is ALWAYS on, even when you don't want it to be 
  • Has rust in places you didn't know rust could form 


  • Has a great Bass system so when you bump your Hilary Duff it sounds amazing
  • Has a gigantic trunk to put dead bodies in
  • Is in the first 8 seconds of every Sopranos episode

I wanted to write more Good things about the car, but came to the realization that there is almost nothing good about this 1997 Subaru Outback.

The truly GREAT thing about this vehicle though, is that when you get in its like a cool gamble of whether or not you're going to make it there alive. 

Between the engine that just might explode at any given moment, to the lack of adequate brakes, your life is almost in extreme peril every time you get behind the wheel.

How this car has passed inspection I have no fucking idea but lets all hope and pray that somewhere along the line I can get a replacement or at least new vehicle before I die.

Also, if anybody would like to BUY this car, I'm starting the bidding at $1.25

1 comment:

  1. Holy shit!! How am I just reading this now!! I'm dying!!


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