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Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Atheistjustin and the Angry Lesbian

It was one of those nights where my friends and I decided to be ignorant and annoying to the common public when I encountered a terrifying lesbian. As I recall, Noah and I had spent our hours after work coordinating our rambunctious outfits together.

We were under the assumption tonight was going to be a night at a random party in a town we did not live in and so- we decided to show up and represent another town that they didn't know. But of course, we had to do this looking like fucking crazy people.

It brings us no greater joy than for someone to look at us and say, "What a couple of dick swallowing faggots..." This statement, by the way, has been stated to us on multiple occasions throughout our years together, though none of us have ever swallowed any dicks.


Of course with every tale I place on this website, this one had to get fucked up because why should anything ever go to plan. Noah and I had to wait an extra hour for the ladies in our lives to figure out what the fuck was actually happening, so we went to the mall.

We were on a mission- a quest, to find a simple item worn by fishermen and black rappers alike- the Bucket Hat.

Our mission seemed easy enough, but we forgot that everybody in Monmouth County is a fucking idiot. And so, only 2 Asians knew what they even were. Both of them were dresssed extremely fresh and I wanted to touch them but certain 'sexual harassment' laws prevent me from doing such.
We even journeyed into My workplace, Tilly's, only to find that their bucket hats are made out of the saddest quality of Chinese Labor ever.
I took a cute selfie with someone I work with. I hope he enjoys the fact I put him on my blog. I also hope he doesn't sue me.

welcome to tilly's


Noah's full outfit

A cute selfie with my boy.
Basically, everybody was staring at us and making some sideways comments. It was a great time to kill time but sadly nobody had a bucket hat. And so, we ventured to pick up the two whores that would give us real plans for the night.
We drove off to a magical land called Marlboro, which is an ancient German word for 'Pirate's Tampon,' and came to a "party." My use of quotes clearly explains that this was actually a staff party for members at Rolling Hills day camp. Now, this might sound ridiculous, because it is, but one of our friends actually works there. Did we get in? Nope. Why? Because our friend wouldn't get us in.
Thanks whore.
And so, we instead went around the block and went to where we heard another party was. Driving past the destination, we saw 8 people in a garage.
Not a party.
Just some people hanging out.
So we parked ahead, away from the house and waited for further plans. However, the car right ahead of us seemed to be doing the same. We realized it was a gang full of people we semi-knew and so we headed over to their car to talk out a new plan.
We were there for 15-20 minutes and the entire time the 8 people in the garage kept looking over at us. Obviously we were a little eye-catching and since my friend Alice is loud enough to piss off a deaf person, we probably annoyed them a little.
And so it was only natural that someone would come over to us.
And this is where I made an intriguing encounter.
Everybody else was fucking retarded and so I told them that I would do all the talking. When the arriving persons were in close proximity I explained, "I apologize, we thought there was a party here but clearly its just you guys hanging out so were just figuring out what were trying to do."
I wasn't being a dick or anything and I truly was trying to just explain the situation. Unfortunately, I was speaking to someone whom had an IQ of a drunk 3rd grader.
"How old are you?"
I refrained from answering because since I'm only 17 I technically have to obey a curfew which at this point in time I was realllllllly going over.
"I know you're not retarded how old are you?"
I replied, "That's not nice."
She then began to ask the others around me their ages and they actually replied so when she came back to me I replied with, "Atheistjustin, nice to meet you."
She was not enthused.
It was at this point I realized she had a tall black friend beside her and I was terrified that he would beat my ass and so I just told her I was 17.
Now, before I proceed, I'd like to explain that I'm not entirely sure this was a woman, this very well could have just been a fat man with man-boobs. But there was something in this voice that said, "I have a vagina."
She was wearing an elegant neon-green shirt which said, Young And Reckless as well as a chain. Just a chain. No emblem or anything. I found this very funny because its something I actually used to make fun of with my clothing brand- Old And Cautious
Yes, this is patented.
She then suddenly took an even more aggressive turn for the worse and I'll just give you the dialogue from here.
"Well, if you want to get into my parties, you have to be 21. Everyone here is 21 or older except for this girl but I've known her my entire life."
^She told us this, as if we gave any fucks about her life at all.
"I don't really care what you guys are doing but I'm gonna ask that you don't stay in the front of my house.. this is my street... I know all the cops in Marlboro... I am an Angry Lesbian (ad-libbed),... and if you don't leave I will fuck you up in every way possible, I'm in the army so..."
So many questions. So few answers. So much angry lesbianism.
It was here that I already had some critiques for her. Keep in mind, I said none of these to her.
1. What does knowing all the cops have to do with anything? Were standing on the street doing nothing illegal.
2. Have you blown every cop in Marlboro? Is that why you know them all?
3. Why are you telling me your life story?
4. What makes you think I want to go to your "party" in your garage with 8 people I don't know?
5. Are you a man or a woman because I truthfully have no idea.
6. If you're in the army, why are you threatening minors?
7. Do you think your chain looks good on your neon-green shirt?
Noah and I are not confrontational people and do not fight. The only time we will ever be confrontational, is if we feel like we have been truly wronged. And since we didn't feel that way, I just said, "That's not very nice, sorry for ruining your night or whatever" and headed back into my own vehicle with my friends.
As I was walking away the black man, whom had said nothing this whole time, told us, "Hey, I like your shirts though!"
It was here I knew my night was complete.
I regret not doing anything after because in retrospect, I could have had a lot of fun. I could have honked my horn, blasted my music, screamed "you're one angry lesbian!", or any combination of those three. On the ride home, we did hypothesize calling the police on them, but we realized that 1. there was no music playing and 2. they were all of age to drink so we couldn't bust them.
I don't think I'll ever truly get revenge on this Angry Lesbian but I do remember the address to her house so I'll just leave it at that.
Noah and I had left his house with the hopes that we could go to a crowded party, filled with people we didn't know, and just make asses out of ourselves by saying that we were on a bowling team from Colts Neck.
But it seems the universe instead, gave us an angry lesbian. And so, the night gave me a true life lesson, "When you ask for apples and hope for apple juice, you get Lesbian Lemons and have to make Lesbian Lemonade."
This concludes my first encounter with any Angy Lesbian but I'm sure it won't be the last.

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