And so, after fiercely touching my penis for a couple years, I grew during the awkward stages of puberty right around middle school and by 7th grade I had peach fuzz on my upper lip.
I had a stache.
It looked both Mexican and unfortunate, just the way the Ladies love it.
I began shaving in 8th grade with my first straight razor which I was awarded after babysitting my mom's best friend's son. I was psyched and I remember my first shave. Since I don't live with my dad, I just kind of had to figure out how to do it myself.
Seemed pretty easy, just put the cummy goo all over your face and wipe it off with the extremely sharp blade.
This process took me approximately 28 minutes.
But it was my first shave and my first step at being a man. I had the pride of being one of the few 13 year olds in my school that could shave something that grew out of my face.
By 14, I had styled my facial hair into what we refer to as "a chinstrap." This not only made me look like a Puerto-Rican drug dealer, but also showed off my overpowering masculinity.
I remember a sophomore asking me, "You have a beard and you're 14? Did your balls drop the second you were born?"
I think he was bullying me, but I took it as a compliment. Sorry Michele Obama, but I'm not a pussy.
Nowadays, I flaunt my beautiful beard and am often complimented on its strength, softness, and the fact that it hides my horrible acne. Plus, the homeless people in the neighborhood like to eat food out of it.
But yesterday, my senior pictures were taken and I couldn't help but feel old. As a way of being childish again, I made the decision to shave off everything, except for the mustache. Oh yes, I had a motherfucking mustache for an entire day. I will show you all this journey now.
FIRST, The Shaving Process Step By Step
Pre Shave, Full Beard
The sensual side shot
Wow, I'm fucking handsome
Half Gone. I still am gorgeous.
This is the douschebag facial hair with the bottom chin-pubes and mustache. Not quite funny, but definitely provocative.
The Finished, beautiful project.
Mirror Selfie, with a mustache,
Selfie, with a mustache.
I resemble the world's greatest child molester
Hangin' with Scarface, with a Mustache.
With John Lennon, and a Mustache.
Selfie in my mom's room, with a mustache.
Pissing off my mom, with a mustache.
Me and some ducks, with a mustache.
Getting some Vitamin C, with a mustache,
Drinkin' some coffee, with a mustache
Gettin' Crunk, with a mustache.
Eating yogurt, with a mustache. This is my personal favorite. Look how the yogurt falls from my lips, sensually. I resemble the perfect rapist.
Taking a tumblr photo, with a mustache.
In Joe's BMW, with a mustache.
Once again, with my boyfriend.
Making music, with a mustache.
Playing guitar, at a horrible angle, with a mustache.
You know you have a problem when you actually like this picture of me, with a motherfucking mustache. Or as some call it, a Moustache. But fuck them because that's gay as fuck.
Reading the Diary of Anne Frank, with a mustache.
While reading the Diary of Anne Frank with a mustache, one cannot help but look like a dickhead police officer.
Looking terrifying with Joe, and a mustache.
With a homeless person from Boston, and my mustache
Lurking in a parking lot, with a mustache.
With Noah, whom did not have a mustache.
A man truly in awe at my mustache.
Wearing sunglasses, with a mustache.
PART III, ACCESSORIZING MY MUSTACHE TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL
I found Mustache Wax at good ol' CVS and simply made the realization that I had to purchase it. It was here that my life changed forever and it would never be the same. The next few photos will not only be Extra Large, but also incorporate the greatest thing I have ever done to my face.
I motherfucking curled that shit.
Yes, yes, it IS the Pringles guy.
It may pain some to know this, but after having a handlebar mustache, I had to kill it. I shaved off my upper lip hair and currently resemble a normal looking, handsome man.
More adventures soon to come.