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Monday, June 10, 2013

Atheistjustin Attempts To Quit Apple- Fails. Still Uses it. Regularly.

As a sincere and fellow hipster-blogger, I an stereotyped to be gayly in love with Macintosh computers and any products that have "i" before them for no reason. In my case, however, this is not the situation. Since my parents are not particularly wealthy, I have had the pride of having to buy my own computer using Birthday money and the cash I get from pimping Korean hookers.

Because of this, I could never afford a Mac nor did I want the old one my mom had. Instead I went HP and I've already written a post about how much dick that hunk of shit sucks. I did, however, get an iPhone due to its sexy, almost lustful appearance. I mean look at how sexy it is in those computers and look at how perfect the nails are on the hands that touch the phone.

Fucking. Sexy.

But now as I've had to deal with this shitty-shitty iPhone 4s, I've grown out of it and its sexiness has gotten old and saggy like an old man's balls. And just like an Old man's balls, my phone is slow, beaten up, fragile, and has absolutely no charge.

My upgrade is in 2 months and I initially had the idea of getting the iPhone 5, only to hear from friends and associates that the phone is an extra 1.5 inch dick that gets shoved up your ass. And so I ventured to find a new one, a better one, and it took me less than 45 seconds.

I'm quitting Apple like a heroine addict quits sucking dick for money. It will be challenging, it will make my nipples sweaty, and I will most likely end up in the fetal position, shaking and sweaty. I encourage all my fellow iSufferers to do the same and simultaneously throw up a gigantic middle finger at Apple.

Keep in mind, I wrote this blogpost ON an iPhone at the battery life of 60%.

It is now at 38%.

This is Why I Am Quitting Apple.

And here's a picture of Samuel L. Jackson to lighten the mood.

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.