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Friday, May 31, 2013

Atheistjustin Has A Memorial Day Weekend

Last year, my memorial weekend was fucking retarded. I slept in a tent, got with no bitches, and put up all my gay ass problems on my blog. And so, absolutely nothing will be different this year and, as usual, I will tell y'all about my fun life.

By fun, I mean unprecedentedly depressing.

And by unprecedentedly depressing, I mean I'm a herb.

Since it's been a week, and I have a shitty memory because I smoke way too much crack, I'm not totally sure what happened. I DO know, that I started my day off working and dyed my hair pink because my manager just said, "hey, you're my bitch so let me color your hair with some new shipment we got."

And to that I retorted: "please don't fire me."

And so- my weekend started off like this

There was a party happening after work and so I went over my best friend Noah's residence so that we could kiss tenderly and massage one another. Picking up Joe and Noah's girlfriend, we headed to the party. I maintained my role as designated driver and did not drink and drive. Instead, I smoke the meth pipe my homeless friend 'Jack' gave me on the sidewalk.

At Noah's house, I knew the night would end up rainy and so I prepared myself by wearing the ugliest hat Noah owns, which I bought him, of course.

As a side note, Noah is the owner of over 87 hats and I am not using hyperbole nor exaggeration. This fucking kid has 87 different coverings for his head- only 3 of which are ever worn. He is, in other words, a fucking ass clown. But we love Noah because he... ugh.. well you know, he's Jewish.

And so, we reached the party, parking down the block so that a quick escape could be made in the event any police officers were to make an uninvited appearance. In other words, we were gonna haul some motherfuckin' ass.

Now, as designated driver, I cannot drink or do drugs- which I wouldn't do anyway because I'm under 21 and drugs are illegal. Plus, I'm a pussy. I also knew that any single ladies at the party would undoubtedly be hooking up with the gentlemen selling marijuana and/or the men whom were going to this party merely to get some action.

Being that I was not one of these people, my only intention the entire night was to dance.

Dance. Dance I tell you.

People were quite confused, and there was many a time in which the African-American gentlemen approached me inquiring, "Damn nigga, what da fuck you on? Dis nigga on molly or some shit, damn."

I wanted to reply to him, "no sir, I doth not need Molly for dancing is an activity I enjoy without the use of drugs." Unfortunately, I was too high on Molly to articulate these words.

Just kidding grandma, I don't take molly.

The whole night most people stuck to beer or whatever liquor they had, but I was dehydrated and instead drank tap water in a red solo cup.

The party was XXL and pretty packed, there had to have been over 100 people in this backyard. What made it interesting was that there were some females at this party dressed in tiny shorts and shirts that said, "I have daddy issues."

Now, being that I am a gentlemen, I did not find much enjoyment out of staring these women and groping their behinds. Instead, I enjoyed when they got rained on.

And it was 55 degrees. Fucking idiots.

Towards the end of the night, there was one girl throwing up on people's shoes, a couple of people throwing bottles, some people falling in the pool, and suspicion of the police arriving. It was a jolly good time.

It was around 10:45 when a good homie of mine who we'll call McIrishDrunkinLad tipped me off that the police were on their way.

I took a few photos with some homies of mine, and departed. By departed I mean I grabbed my friends and hauled ass.

Our night was far from over- we had little desire in ending our night at 11 because, my friends and I have no common sense. So instead, we headed over to the Manalapan diner where we engaged in conversation with some hot waitress and I ordered 2 pieces of plain toast and coffee. Noah ordered pudding. Why he did that, we still don't understand entirely.

Noah also wanted me to spread the information that chocolate pudding and coffee do not mix well.

Fortunately, most people aren't dumb enough to try putting those things together.

We still knew we had a bit of a night left for us. So by 11:30 we headed over to our friend Amanda's house in order to drop off Shannon and also enjoy the company of some drunk women whom may touch my penis.

Safe to say, they did not.

I tried to get gas at this hour only to find out that gas stations apparently have closing times. Super gay.

After pointlessly spending a forty-five minutes with this drunk whore

me and the boys headed back to Noah's to enjoy a nights rest.

Saturday night soon came and with a car full of people and a night full of fun ahead of us. we drove off to yet another party taking place at about 9:30 at night. This party was in a basement and had a fantastic DJ set up. There was a large crowd and many attractive females. Knowing that I once again had absolutely no chance with any of them, I stuck with my usual routine of dancing.

This went well for quite some time, as a circle formed around me and people began video taping me. I'm not quite sure where this tapes went, but I can assure you I have been checking porn hub frequently in order to find them. My search has ended with my shorts around my ankles, narrowly every time.


And so, I proceeded to my 1997 Subaru Outback, and blasted Classical music driving away. People were as confused as they were drunk.

Still with a night ahead of me and my companions, I set out into the night to search for another party. There was one, indeed, yet the attending peoples were kicked out even before we could get there. At this point, Noah and I had realized we were in close proximity to our old elementary schools and decided to pay tribute to these facilities by taking selfies outside them.

We also passed by the house of the girl I fell in love with in the 8th grade, whom Noah dated. We also took selfies in front of that house, but for legal reasons I'm just gonna be extra safe and not put those on the internet. Also, her dad has weapons.

The weekend ensued though our Saturday night ended at 1:45 A.M. with the 3 boys watching Meatballs with Bill Murray. It was rough.

Sunday rolled along and I was able to head to an extravagant Pump It Up employee party at my friend's friend's house. Needless to say, I knew 2.5 of the people there which made it super uncomfortable and awkward- just the way I like it.

This man had arms so big they could have eaten me

Sunday night ended with me cuddling next to a man named RJ on a pull out bed in a basement in Freehold. Let's say, that night got wild. The next morning we headed to a diner and enjoyed some delicious overpriced food. The Monday of Memorial Day I spent about 0 seconds remembering anything about our Veterans and instead went to the liquor store with Noah's dad, Noah, and Shannon his girlfriend.

Needless to say, it was once again another Atheistjustin type of Memorial Day weekend, and I'm sure next year's will be just as unbelievably depressing and disappointing.

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.