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Sunday, April 21, 2013

Atheistjustin Goes To Junior Prom (Ft. Ray Rice)

So as I was sitting alone naked today, I realized I haven't written on this blog for several weeks and it is due to the fact that I hate all of you. Also, I am busy being a hard working employee at Tilly's. Asking 13 year old girls and Mexican families if they need help is a very hard, time-taking job.

But I have been working extra-extra-extra hard to save up money for Prom. I have the privilege to go to 2 Junior Proms, one in Freehold and one in Manalapan. I will be weird and promiscuous in both of them. I was retarded at one of them already. And I would now like to show all of you what my weekend was like at prom, but I think it would be more appropriate to do so with pictures.

If I had to type down every single event that happened I would most likely kill myself and nobody would read it anyway. The only event I HAVE to write about and can't put into pictures is the Ray Rice incident.

Oh yeah.

Ray Fucking Rice Motherfucker Cock Licker Shit Face.

The running back of the Ravens was at the hotel we were staying in and so when Joe and I went to the cafe to suck each others' nipples, we saw him. Well, actually, Joe saw him and said, "Ray Rice?!" He turned around and looked at us and Joe was like, "I think that's Ray Rice."

I was skeptical at first, because I am a flaming asshole, but after asking the cashier if Ray Rice was here, he said "yes" and our cheers were confirmed. However, this was not the last time we would see this handsome black man.

As we were leaving the restaurant, (which had the most expensive food ever eaten), we saw him yet again and as Joe and I were mouth agape, Noah had a bit of a different reaction.

Noah, after carefully taking a few steps away from the gigantic professional athlete, decided to scream, "YOU BEAT MY PATRIOTS AND RUINED MY DREAMS!!!" Noah Goldberg, a 17 year old Jewish Boy from the suburbs of New Jersey, yelled at a Superbowl Ring-bearing superstar with more money than we could ever hope to acquire.

This was perhaps the pinnacle moment of our entire lives. Milk instantaneously began lactating out of my nipples and soon my asshole wettened with juicy moisture. 'Twas the most invigorating moment of my life.

And so, let me show you all what my weekened consisted of.

Please, keep in mind I intentionally looked terrible in many of these photos. Plus, I'm ugly.

1. Pre-pre prom.

 2. Limo

 3. Pre-Prom

4. Prom

Dramatic Mirror Selfie.

There was complimentary Axe cologne for no reason.

5. After Prom

This is what it looks like when you non-stop dance like a retard for 3 hours.

Next Day...

5.12 Atlantic City.

You don't even want to know how much this shit cost.

With this final picture of me and the boys, looking horrible in the bright 8:30 AM sunlight of Atlantic City, I leave you all knowing that Township Prom was an adventure and Manalapan's is in just 2 weeks. I only hope my liver, my soul, and my anus can handle it all.

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.