The Not That Great Podcast

Hey assholes. Check out my new podcast here:

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Atheistjustin FUCKING HATES APPLE.

I was going to originally title this blogpost "My Nipples Are Wet, So Kiss me." but unfortunately, I am currently in a fit of rage and despair. Initially, I wanted to write a blog post about my homie Nick Foreman and talk about the strange fact that everyone in Manalapan High is slowly leaving. Unfortunately, Apple Inc. fucked that all up.

So here is my problem right off the bat: I don't have a Macintosh. That's right. For my 13th birthday, I wanted my own computer so I went to Best Buy and said, "Look assholes, I have $750 and I need a machine with a keyboard and a screen on top of that." They pointed me towards the HP in the back and after about 5 minutes I was sold.

I may as well have been sold as a sex slave, because I got fucked on that day.

Only a few months after did shit start falling off, taking forver to load, and a whole bunch of other shit. Around sometime last year, I spilt tea (yes tea, I'm a hipster faggot) all over my computer and fried the speakers, so they don't work anymore. Now, whenever I'd like to hear sound, I have to use my headphones and awkwardly watch porn 8 inches from my face with the help of my headphones.

What does this have to do with Apple?

Well nothing yet, but I would like to mention that Apple is way too expensive. I have talked to at least 4 Asian kids and they have all told me that for the amount of money we pay for them, the Asian kids could build 4 of the same computer equally as good.

Obviously the Asian kids are good at building things, that's why we have the small children make our tampons and pretty much all of our shit.

The TRUE problem is that in today's modern society, if you want to listen to music, you need iTunes. Lets be real here, when's the last time you've gone to someone's house and they used Windows Media Player?

But iTunes doesn't work well with PC's because the assholes at Apple want you to buy their shit, not anyone else's. Because of this, my iTunes constantly freezes, crashes, and gives me itchy gooch. But this is only the first problem.
Secondly, I have the unfortunate love of iPhones because unlike other smart phones, they're the only phones that everyone knows about and loves and thinks is sexy. With the exception of poor people, Asians, and soul-less bastards at Microsoft, people are all about the sexualness of the iPhone. What do you need to update your white piece of shit? iTunes. See how this is a problem?

As if that wasn't enough, my megaton whore fuck of a phone likes to pretend I hate it. In actuality, I have tried to have sex with it on multiple occasions. In totally unrelated news, I have severe cuts on my penis.

So there I was just a few days ago, dick in one hand and my updating iPhone in another. It was plugged into my HP sucking the life out of it, and trying to "update." Which by the way, is fucking bullshit. Until they entirely switch the IOS system does it ever actually change. Are you going to tell me that you noticed the distance from IOS6 and IOS6.01?

You have a better chance of me stroking Joe's penis while he sleeps. Just kidding, that happens pretty much every night.

When my piece of shit phone finished updating, I saw that I had an "Other" space of 3.4 gigabytes.

wut.

wut.

wut.

Macklemore, can we go thrift shopping?

go fuck yourself, mack.

So I called Apple because I had no space left for any more child pornography, music, or pictures of orphans. My current background is currently of an Ethiopian boy named Dreythunjjjjj. I call him, "Hungry."

What great information did Apple have to tell me? What was their genius advice to fix my phone? Back up everything and restore my phone.

K bitch.

It took me a solid 2 hours for my slutPhone to fully restore and back up because there is more shit on there than there is in Kim Kardashian's mouth. Is there still 3.4 Gigs of Other? Yes. Does my phone strangely still add more porn and music? Yes. Am I going to continue to ask myself more questions and answer them? Yes. Do I like waffles? Yes.

With that all said and done, I am almost positive that when I get my next computer, it's probably going to end up being a Macbook because let's face it: Apple products are sexy, cool, and most widely used by famous people and TV show characters named Gregory.


 And now, as I finish up this iPost, I leave you with a picture of the only 'Mac' I've ever cared for.






Thursday, November 22, 2012

Atheistjustin and Christmastime



When I buy my pack of extra small condoms and kit-kats around Christmas time, I get really fucking pissed off when the cashier makes change, gives me my receipt, and says, "happy holidays." I also hate when they critique me on my 2.1 inch shaft, but that's besides the point.

What I hate more than ANYTHING is the term "Happy Holidays." Nobody is walking around thinking "oh wow, I can't wait for Kwanzaa!" This is Christmas time god damn it, and even as an atheist, I have to say that its total fucking bullshit that people don't say Merry Christmas anymore. Seriously, who is being offended by hoping someone has a good day?

Is it the Jews?

Is it the Muslims?

Is it the work of Oprah? That whore.

All I know is, that even though I don't believe in the virgin birth of the savior of man/king of the Jews, I still think that Christmas is an awesome holiday. There is no feeling like the morning of Christmas, where you wake up and feel the surge of happiness from unwrapping presents and getting your gifts. It makes my balls tingle just thinking about it.

Ho-Ho-Ho ladies ;)

In my perfect Utopia that I will one day create, there will be no religion and there will be a mandatory exercise that all citizens must do so that they're not fat like Wisconsinites. Also, people will be able to smoke whatever they want, whenever they want. But in addition to all that, I also want a holiday on December 25th, where people do the exact same things on Christmas, but the holiday will be called Hawtmas.

My country will also have no pants. Ever.

However, Christmas is a long time from now, about a month and 3 days to be exact. Today, is actually Thanksgiving and perhaps now would be a good time to list off all the things I'm thankful for:

THINGS I'M THANKFUL FOR
1. The murdering of Native Americans 500 years ago
2. iPhones
3. Porn



With that all said and done, I wish everyone a happy motherfucking Thanksgiving and to remind everyone that the average Thanksgiving meal is 5,000 calories. So don't become fat pieces of shit. Or I will cut you.

Also, if you go to the mall on Black Friday and go to Tilly's between the hours of 4p.m.-11p.m. you will see me and I will be handing out free Chinese babies to anyone that would like them. The fat ones cost 5 dollars.

But in all seriousness, I actually did get a job at Tilly's and so far it is awesome. There's nothing I love more than working with people and working on Black Friday is just going to make my nipples so incredibly hard. If my boss is reading this, hi.

Please don't fire me.

When it comes to Tilly's, I must admit I have always been a fan of the store. Being that I have purchased several beanies, shoes, and other clothes from the store, I've been a customer for a while. Working there and getting that 20% discount is sexy and much appreciated. I also can't wait to start wearing skinny jeans to the point where my balls will resemble walnuts.

Though I am not a skater (more of a hipster to be honest) I still highly reccomend all my motherfucking fans to come down and visit me. Also, if you buy something that will make me look good. And if I look good, I will stroke you in any area you'd like me to.

With that being said, here's a picture of the man who founded this amazing country and without him we would have nothing to be thankful for and no holidays or Black Fridays to celebrate.



I'm talking of course about Tom Brady.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Atheistjustin is a Pussy

If there is one thing my sugar-coated tits are not, it is athletic. Though I am dashingly handsome, hilarious, have a huge penis, and able to make music with my anus- I am a terrible athlete. My body is magically slender, but far from muscular. Instead of a six pack and huge arms, I have bacne and hair.

But that is all right with me. I mean after all, have you ever heard of an athlete making good music? Or of an athlete being hilarious or a good writer? I think not. Actually, if you want to laugh your ass off, go on YouTube and look for DeSean Jackson's rap songs.

Well, even though I am an nonathletic piece of shit, I decided sometime over the summer that maybe I should try to do SOMETHING other than touch myself and write blogposts about my boyfriends. So I thought of a possible sport I could do.

Football? Hell no, I have no hand-eye coordination.

Golf? Hell no, I have self respect.

Bowling? Hell no, the last time I bowled, a little Indian boy got a higher score than me. He was 6.

Track? Hell no, my cardiovascular endurance is worse than my AIDS.

Swim? Well...

Well..

So there I had it. I would take my shirt, pants, and underwear off in front of boys in a locker room so that I could get in a chlorine-piss infested pool to show off my awesome skills. I thought it would be easy, and that a mere exercise of running every once in a while would get me through try outs. Well, I was fucking wrong.

Swimming is hard, harder than my nipples when I watch new episodes of Dexter. It literally works every single muscle in your body and after only 5 laps of swimming, I got out of the pool and said, "Yeah, Mr. M, swims not for me. Have a great day, thanks for the opportunity."

It was a good try, and I pat myself on the back for trying. But those crazy motherfuckers on the swim team should totally be respected. It's an intense sport, and a damn good one. The kids on the team all had amazing bodies and I became a little hard looking at their pecs.

No, I'm not gay.

Well..

With the help of Neeks Petosa, I maintained my sanity and decided that I should stick to typing away on my little keyboard, and stay away from water, and exercise.



A perfect pic of us.



Soon after swim tryouts I went back home and ate cookies and crack rocks. The following day, which is Saturday for anyone that might be slow, I went to the mall with Joe. Going to the mall is one of my favorite past times, the simple thrill of walking around and seeing expensive things I don't want to buy is a joy. I also enjoy staring at the Hasidic Jews and screaming "MAZEL TOV!!!"

My goal of the day was to simply buy a cardigan for less than $20 and long behold I found one for $17.95 at H&M (prounounced hm).

Well, after buying the cardigan, wearing it, and getting several compliments from it, I walked into the store Tilly's. There, I found this little treat-



The homie Casie in full employee uniform. Though she is only 4'9.5'' she is somehow and employee at this store and can barely reach the cash register. Either way, after I said hi and bye to her, she talked to the manager and informed her that I myself, is in need of a job. Long ago in a galaxy far, far away I had applied to this very place but did not hear back.

With the help of a child-sized friend, I successfully became employed at Tilly's.


As all days pass, so did Saturday and Sunday came along. From this day forth, I am no longer and Eagles fan. Having a record of 3-7 is not only embarrassing, but it is humiliating when all of your friends are kicking your asses.

From the problems being Andy Reid's weight to Nick Foles' shit cover, the Philadelphia Eagles have become nothing but a mockery and a shame. I cannot support a team that cannot support itself. Perhaps next season, when Reid is gone and the team is fixed whole I can respect them, but right now, I'm taking a hiatus.

Who will I be cheering for? Why of course the New England Patriots. Because they win. And their quarterback is a hunk.


Some people may say that "I can't do that" or that "I'm not a real fan" but to them I say, "DIZ IZ MURIKA!!! I DU WHT EYE VANT!?"



With a job and a new Football team, Atheist Justin is happily a pussy.

Go Pats.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Nonsensical Ramblings of Atheistjustin.

A lot of people may be expecting me to have some sort of post regarding the recent presidential election, but my response to that is fuck all y'all mofuckas. I can't vote, therefore I don't care. When 2016 comes along and I'm 20, I'll start to give a flying fuck. Until then, all you elephant-sized bitches can suck my donkey nuts.

How's that for a fucking political cartoon?

Truth be told, I don't have much to write about, but I feel obligated since the last thing I wrote about was Hurricane Sandy. And since that news isn't headlining anymore (cause it's 3 days old), I feel as though I should replenish my blog with up-to-date news. With that being said, my balls are itchy, and I am currently scratching them.

Maybe I should regard the fact that I never had a Part 2 to my blog about Hurricane Sandy... oh well suck my dick.

I apologize for all my cursing, I did too much heroin.

I just asked my girlfriend, whose name on this blog will be Red Snapper. what I should write about. This is due to the fact that I am an uncreative fuck hole and lack the creativity to think of shit.

She told me American Horror Story.

So here we go.

If you don't watch this show, you shouldn't. When I first saw commercials for it appearing I was like "eh, dudes, blues, balls, wieners, cocaine, and hipsters." But after Red Snapper got me hooked on this season, I have been more glued to my television screen than my own semen after watching pornography.

Just kidding I don't watch porn on my TV.

If you don't believe me when I say that this show will fuck with you psychologically, maybe you should grow testicles and watch the intro to at least one episode.

I'm not putting a link up, because I'm too lazy


...Well that topic is over. So let's try a new one.

My cousin asked me today about my book and it reminded me that the yellow piece of shit existed. When I call it a book, I mean it more as an experiment. The book is less than 100 pages and that's because I knew the only people reading it would be my friends and family, and teenagers, in Manalapan.

I knew it wouldn't be a best seller or something that would make me rich and famous. I was testing the waters to see what it would actually be like when the days would come of me hopefully being a professional writer.

Ya bitch dazz my future wut u gaht!?

^The genius writings of Atheistjustin.

But anyway, people still ask questions about it and I'm sure somewhere in this big piece of shit Internet, someone might be interested in wasting $10.00 in buying a book.

So here's a link to that.


http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Justintheatheist


I highly recommend buying it because I'm amazing and if you stalk me or find me I will totally sign it for you and possibly give you oral sex.







Well, I think that's long enough for a blogpost, and if it isn't, than I will leave you with a picture of Emilio Estevez.




Atheistjustin, out dis bitch.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Surviving Hurricane Sandy P. 1

Howdy.

As I write this, I am in an electrified kitchen in Pennsylvania. With running water, food, gas, and electricity, I am easily one of the most blessed people from New Jersey. Before I begin this shitty post, I'd like to say FUCK YOU to every fuckboy that got power before me (including my girlfriend) (fuck you bitch).

Also, I wish the very best to those that may have been devastated by the storm, though I'm pretty sure none of them read my blog. So I guess, fuck them too.

Anyway, it's been 4 days, 23 hours, and 27 minutes since my power went out in my home and I have been slowly dying ever since. I didn't think Sandy would do shit, and I was pretty convinced she was a pussy. Sadly, I was incorrect.

If Sandy was any woman, she was my ex-girlfriend, because she fucked everybody. My ex-girlfriend, by the way, is Paris Hilton.

By "ex-girlfriend" I mean Korean Hooker off Route 9.

And by "Paris Hilton" I mean, Kim Suk-Me-Titty.

But I suppose I should start my journey with Hurricane Sandy, and explain to everyone what the famous Atheistjustin has been doing.

I suppose I'll start with the day before the storm hit, Sunday. I was at Joe faggot Sada's house and was putting away his outdoor furniture. He, myself, and his parents, were all assured that this storm would end up being nothing at all, and since Irene was a class higher, we were pretty much expecting a drizzle.

We all know, that is a load of shit.

The very next day, Monday, at 4:15 P.M., my power went out in my house .That is when it hit me, when it hit all of us, that this motherfucking storm was no drizzle. This was a hurricane. And not a little white girl pussy hurricane like Irene, but a big fat black woman hurricane that won't shut the fuck up during a movie. They should have named this Hurricane Shaniqua.

My power was out and we resorted to candles, flashlights, board games, books, and thoughts of suicide. When my power went out I tried my hardest to conserve battery power on my phone, but I couldn't resist tweeting. My tweets, as they progressed, showed signs of me slowly losing my fucking mind.

"Hahaha, I just told myself an amazing Joke."

If I had a picture, I would show you all. Sadly, I like boys.

During the time of the black out, I managed to complete 2 books, 19 rounds of Connect 4, Parchese, Sorry!, and finished Kirby two times on the Nintendo DS.

As a small anecdote, when I found my Nintendo DS, my nipples became so incredibly moist that I could have drenched the Sahara Desert with them.

My DS had not been charged in a solid 9 years, and yet the green light shone like a motherfucking traffic light.

Traffic lights, by the way, are still not functional. Who wants to go drag racing?

Tuesday

My mom and I investigated the surrounding area and saw shit toppled over, broken, closed, and scary. It kind of resembled the inside of my asshole.

We saw a gas station open, but the next day it was out of gas. We tried to cross over Rt. 33, but it was blocked. We saw a homeless man, and we killed him.

Moving on, we spent the night drinking expensive wine with our neighbors and dined on one of the finest feasts I've ever had. It was good, and I felt that power might just come back the next day.

WRONG MOTHERFUCKER. Wednesday my mom and I couldn't quite take it anymore. So we got our things, packed up, got in our Subaru, and....

had no gas.

SO we took my grandfather's car, put our things in, went to Route 1 and...

I beat my previous record for number of consecutive days alive.

We made it over the bridge. Like an Eagle, soaring over her young, my penis was harder and mightier than the rocket launchers on an Apache helicopter. My mom and I rejoiced in the vehicle, which was so awkward because I had a boner the size of Oprah's clitoris, but whatever.

And so, for about 4 days, I have been in my Uncle's Pennsylvanian utopia.

However, with only a small bag of clothes and my PS3, DS, and iPhone, I've been bored as tits. I miss my home and I know I sound like a bigger fag than I usually do, but I miss my girlfriend. Hell, I miss all my friends, even that ugly ass Jew Noah.

My hope is that everyone's power comes back and that this Halloween I can successfully dress up as Waldo and get free candy. My wish is for everything to go back to normal, and for my High School to die.


With wishful thinking and an optomistic hope, or perhaps just gas, Atheistjustin out this bitch.







Who IS Atheistjustin?

My photo
I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.