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Sunday, October 28, 2012

Atheistjustin Hates The New York Giants.

As I write this, my nipples are so hard with hatred that I could cut open Tom Coughlin's jugular with them. They have just successfully bullshitted their way to another victory. This time, Eli Manning (an autistic Southerner with retard strength) and a pack of black people, have managed to beat the Dallas Cowboys.

During this game, it has to be noted that the very beginning was paved with Giants touchdowns. This was not due to excellent play calling, nor due to the athleticism of incredible athletes. These early touchdowns were made via the folly of Cowboy's quarterback Tony Romo (also known as Tony Homo).

Anyway, as the second half unfolded, the New York Giants were fucked in the anus by the Cowboys as their vigor and new found courage brought them to lead the game by a single point. However, the Giants sucked the life out of all Dallas fans everywhere and devilishly found a way to win.

Within the last minute of the game, the score was 29-24 and Cowboys were in possession of the football. Romo amazingly threw a touchdown pass with Dez Bryant incredibly hoisting his body into the air and slinging the pigskin into his arms. But of course, since the Giants are nothing but blood sucking evil bastards, they had to ruin this fantastic moment in Football history and complain like little pussies.

The ruling was overturned as it was decided the touchdown was invalid. Why?

Because Dez Bryant's fingers were .5 inches outside of the end zone.

This is the bullshit of Giants football and it is one of the reasons why I hate them more than Spike Lee hates white people.

Please explain to me how this is fair in any way, shape, or form. I would love to understand how people could possibly convey the belief that due to the force of gravity and motion, that he could have not been in that situation.

I am more than positive that the Giants themselves have committed greater acts of bullshit touchdowns than the ones the Cowboys performed. And yet, they find themselves winning once again.

Do not be confused: I am an Eagles fan and will be until my dad dies. Why? Because he made me promise that I have to be an Eagles fan if I'm his son. I made this deal when I was 7, and 9 years later I can't back out. Oh well.

What bothers me most about the Giants is not the incredulously insensitive players themselves, but the fucking fans. Oh yes, you will find nobody more cocky, more sore-losing, more motherfucking ignorant, than Giant fans.

These little pieces of shit will never get over their love of their fucking team. And being a 7 year old kid in NJ, surrounded by Giants fans everywhere, it was hard growing up with everyone making fun of you. Oh yeah, that's fucking right, I was picked on by Giants fan as a small kid. This led to me neglecting football for a very long time and not coming back to it until just a few years ago.

Regardless, Giants fans will only speak when they are winning/have won. During the time when they were losing and when the Cowboys were scoring touchdowns, you couldn't see a single Giants fan tweeting or making any mention that they existed.

BUT OF COURSE, once the fuckers win by a bullshit call, they refuse to keep their mouths closed.

It is due to this ignorance and this disregard for sportsmanship and respect that I hate the Giants and all Giants fans.

But I must speak on the Eagles and clarify that I do not think my team better. Mike Vick is the worst quarterback to play for my team and Andy Reid is without a doubt the fattest, most Walrus-looking, most awful coach of all time. I can hardly watch a game without writhing in pain.
Please explain to me how my team is supposed to accomplish anything when they have a quarterback who can't throw, a coach that can't pick plays, and a running back that either fumbles or runs 3 yards.

My team is in the shit hole while the Giants continue to bullshit their way to more and more victories. Something had to be said and I'm happy to finally get this all off my chest. Now, I'm going to go cry and think about how nice it will be when Eli Manning's wife leaves him and when Tom Coughlin's old wrinkled balls finally hit the grave.

Angry Atheistjustin, out this bitch.

Atheistjustin's Nightmare 2 Months Before Christmas

Parties in my town are usually shitty. When I say shitty, I don't mean the regular hard brown turds that make your asshole feel good after you release it, I mean the green sticky wet kind that make your asshole moist and your stomach queasy.

If I have successfully made you feel uncomfortable, then I have succeeded in my intended plan. Also you're a pussy.

Anyway, I have to say that parties in my town usually come to 3 endings: 1. it's shut down and everyone is called a "disrespectful fuck" by the host(ess) 2. the police arrive and we have to go home 3. someone ends up crying, piss drunk, and no longer a virgin.

Though I am often invited to social gatherings, I don't love them all that much. For the most part, the music is too god damm loud and it's shitty anyway. I swear to god if I have to listen to Nicki Minaj one more time I'm going to fucking kill someone. Listening to her music is as stimulating as plugging my dick hole with cheese.

Where's my frustration coming from? I shall tell you all.

I was invited to a Halloween party last month and it was scheduled to occur yesterday. It lasted about a half hour, but I didn't even spend a second.

My plan was originally to go to this party dressed as my homie Slenderman. If you don't know who Slenderman is, I highly recommend you get off this shitty blog and go google it. Play the game for 10 minutes and try to tell me its not one of the scariest things you've ever done in your life.

I played Slenderman for a total of 30 minutes before I said, "fuck this, I'm just gonna jerk off."

Dressed as Slenderman, I was going to lurk people and scare the shit out of everyone by staring at them and saying nothing at all. After playing the rapist card for a little bit I was going to hilariously dance on the floor and touch myself. This is normally what I do at parties anyway, but this time nobody would know it was me.

Sadly, this plan never truly unfolded. The ride TO the VFW, which is where the party was hosted, was paved with sketchy scenery and an ominous feeling that you were going to be raped. The fact that the Monmouth County Maximum Prison was right across the street only added to that feeling.

Fortunately, everyone's butthole was kept intact.

Finally arriving at the rape-house, we saw a group of kids standing outside of a shack-shaped building and the sounds of shitty, shitty music. As our penises were hard and our nipples wet, we walked out of the car ready to scare, to score, and to kill someone.

But little did we know that a strange Troll-like man would accost us. Dressed in a stained T-shirt from 1998, and high socks that came up to his knees stemming from his New Balance shoes, this troll fuck became our biggest problem. Before we left to go to the party, we kept debating when to go, saying that 7:00 would be too early. We left at 8 and assumed we'd have a ball with people already there.

OF COURSE, it backfired.

The Troll-like man yelled at us, and others in the parking lot, "YOU CAN'T COME IN, WE'RE AT MAXIMUM CAPACITY AND THERE'S NO ADULT SUPERVISION."

My immediate response to this fat fuck was, "So? I was invited."

He repeated the same phrase about 8 times and some of the hostesses of the party joined him in shouting. I wanted to kill all of them. The inner Slenderman was coming out, but being a pussy, I did nothing but laugh.

What makes me laugh, even now, is that they had the balls to charge people $5 to enter. I sincerely feel bad for everyone that paid for a half hour party and if I was in charge of the party, I'd pay everyone back. No party, especially not that shit hole, is worth a dollar every 6 minutes.

As we pulled away from the parking lot I promptly screamed from the car, "FUCK YOU!! TRY WEIGHT WATCHERS!!" I still feel that wasn't enough and hopefully someone will burn that place down.

We were crushed, pissed off, and full of semen. So we went back to a friend's house to relax and figure out what the fuck happened.

Here's a good shot of how we were all feeling at this time.

Supposedly, after we left, cops came and ended the party and the entourage moved to someone else's house. Shortly after THAT transaction, everyone was kicked out. So in the end, nobody had a good night and it was an entire waste of money, gas, energy, and time. Claps for Manalapan.

When the whole excursion was over, it was decided for some girl friends of ours to come over and just chill. Smoking hookah in the basement and listening to some awful music, we made the best out of a shitty situation. Joe, my gay love, had the opportunity to get with 2 girls but did not.

I'm still pissed off at him because one of these girls has a huge ass. I'm seriously considering him gay.

All in all, this failed Halloween party was a nightmare and the only photo of Slenderman in action is here, but I'm not even lurking.

Sorry Ethan.

Hopefully this blog post cheers someone up as much as it's cheered me up. With that said, Atheistjustin out this bitch.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Atheistjustin Visits A Strange Place (Not For The Weak Stomached)

Auschwitz, India, and my asshole are some of the places you don't want to be. And yet in this strange world, you can find places where you'd never expect to find some things. From London, where you can find people with 3 teeth in their mouths, to Boston where people replace the letter 'O' with 'A':

"Let's go Taaaahm Brady!"
"Gotta lahve tha Saux."

You can find some interesting shit just about anywhere. Perhaps the greatest, or at least one of the greatest, would have to be the Chinese Supermarket.

Let me tell everybody the tale of my Sunday. I had just finished running a 5K for children's cancer- yes I do have a soul. I mean, fuck you all you're all whores and ugly.

Here's some photographic evidence that I'm not a lazy piece of shit (lol jk I'm a fat whore.)

At first, I was ready to tackle this run as if it were a big fat black lady with KFC and butter.

Little did I know how many hills this fucking path would have, and once again, I was beaten by a fat black woman. This is a reoccurring nightmare.

Well, after suffering like an Ethiopian woman, I was told by my father that we needed to pick up shrimp for the barbecue at our house. I was briefly warned about this place, but nothing could possibly prepare me for this.

Before you entering, it seems like nothing is askew. It has a normal sign which predominantly says "Supermarket" and some Chinese writing. No big deal, sounds like a normal place right?

But then the doors open up.

And it smells like dirty, old vagina.

And the first thing you hear is Japanese pop music.

Wandering through this vagina smelling building, I followed my dad to the fish section. First passing the frozen food section I was greeted by these yummy treats.

I kept moving on throughout the store and the smell of vagina increased in potency, exponentially. After an elapse of only 30 seconds, I came to the source of the aroma. Everything I saw was so incredible, I was compelled to take several pictures.

This is a crate of live eels on the floor. They are alive. Do you understand me? These fucking eels, which probably have the capability of ripping out my jugular, are on the floor in a little crate.

When I went over to this, a nice Chinese man was shouting at me saying, "MAOO MAOO!!!"

Still not sure what that means but I assume it means, "you dumb white piece of shit."

My only question is: who goes and says, "you know what I want to eat today, some motherfucking jellyfish."

Just a tank full of living frogs. Just in case you wanted some fresh Frog eyes.

And why not have a nice fish tank packed with fish. This too was on the floor.

I wish I could convey to you how amazing this place was and how I was convinced that I had somehow teleported to Asia and was stuck in this land of magic and vagina.

Sadly, I left and was unable to witness any karate fights. Leaving, I did also see some gallons of soy sauce, you know, for all those people that need a GALLON OF FUCKING SOY SAUCE.

After leaving I became a new person, and awakened.

I hope to add more tales of the strangest places on the earth, and hopefully this too will become a series of posts.

Atheistjustin, MAO.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Atheistjustin is a Dick.

I feel like writing, so fuck you.

In case you're new to this blog, my name is Justin Hawthorne. My hobbies include stamp collecting, orphans, and fucking with people. I dislike AIDS, Justin Bieber, and that Mexican boy that keeps rubbing my thighs on the subway.

I suppose that out of all my talents from guitar playing, to writing, to comedy, my greatest would have to be my ability to fuck with people.

Though I cannot possibly recall and tell every tale of my endeavors of harassment, I can definitely
show off a few.

Let's start with one of my most recent and with my best friend Noah. Noah is a heavy sleeper and thus is easily fucked with at night. He has been drawn on and T-bagged, but we never told him about that last one. Well, last weekend, Noah dozed off before me and Joe and so we had a little fun.

FIRST I think I should explain that this piece of shit Jew fuck has punched me in the stomach, woken me up countless times, and taken a picture with me unconscious with knives. Also, he took my bitch in 8th grade, but read my book for that gay shit.

So, Friday night he dozes off to sleep around 12:30. I asked Joe, "Wanna fuck with him?" and about a second later he responded with "Let's do it."

After kissing, Joe and I developed some ideas. We saw that he was sleeping NEXT to his couch and not ON the couch thus giving us an excellent angle/position to fuck with him.

First thing we did was set him on fire. Naturally. Being that I had a broken lighter that would shoot out butane 10x the magnitude of a normal lighter, I lit it with another lighter causing a huge flame to shoot beside Noah's face.

Secondly, we resorted to throwing things at him and placing dolls. Then, I drew some racist subliminal messaging on paper and placed it beside him so he would wake up the next morning with a "what the fuck happened last night" demeanor. Adding dolls to his asshole and and throwing pictures and doggy pads, I realized that none of this would really have a lasting effect.

We didn't cause him any physical harm because last time he was drawn on he flipped a shit like an Orphan after being thrown into a dumpster.

Joe and I both knew that the only way we could really mess with him was psychologically and so we used a phony text making app to send him this- keep in mind he has a girlfriend.

By the end of the night, Noah looked like this.

Fucking with my friends is far from the only form of being a dick I pursue. Here's a girl trying to give me the dick and me dishing it right back.

She didn't respond after.

This blog post may birth a new segment of my blog called Fucking with People and may add more tales to it. Also, I'm going to attempt to change the comment settings on my page so everyone can tell me their shitty opinion that I don't even care about.

I'm talking to YOU white people.

Who IS Atheistjustin?

My photo
I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.