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Thursday, September 27, 2012

Atheistjustin is not a Jew.

It perplexes me as to how people can still ask me what religion I am. My blog is atheistjustin.blogspot.com. My tumblr is imatheist.tumblr.com. My twitter is @atheistjustin and my PS3 online user name is justintheatheist. Yet still somehow, people ask me either "are you really atheist" or "aren't you Jewish?"

I will explain everything to everyone now and clear this all up like the acne on my ass. Special thanks to Neutrogena.

So, let me explain that the only reason people think I'm a Jew is because I was RAISED by Jews. You see, I lived with my grandparents for most of my life and both of them are Jewish. H

Anyway, my Grandmother converted to Judaism as soon as she could as her father was a Russian Jew. My poppa Sye, now deceased, is the only True Jew as I like to call him. When my mom and uncle were born, my uncle took the Jewish route and went to Hebrew school and had a Bar Mitzvah.

My mom, on the other hand, said "NAH NIGGA FUQ DAT NOISE I AIN'T BOUT DAT LIFE! SQUAD." That is an actual quote.

Nevertheless, when I was born, my mom was told by my Jew Grandmother that if she wanted me to be loved, I would have to be inducted into the Jew lifestyle. This includes: A briss, A menorah, and A Bar Mitzvah.

I never did the Bar Mitzvah, I said "fuck you" to Hebrew school.

I was brissed (got my dick chopped off by a scary old man) and have my own Menorah which is 9 homosexual dreidals dancing together. I promise to upload a picture when the Chanukkah shit comes in a few months.

My dad is a Roman Catholic. So eventually he said to my mom, "Look hoe, that nigga has half my cock-genes so I'm going to dip some water on his head via an old molesting priest ight?!?" Another actual quote.

My mother happily agreed to the terms and conditions (without reading them), and I was baptised at 4. Which is about 4 years late. But whatever.

Growing up in my youth, I was exposed to the Jewish and Catholic religion from both of my grandmothers. They were the most religious members of my family and promptly explained to me their beliefs and the differences of the religions.

For those of you who may also be confused here's a diagram.


CATHOLICISM
 PROS-
1.Way more fun with Christmas
2. Cool Robes
3. Gold Chains
4. Cool songs
5. You get to look at a shirtless man tied to the letter T
CONS-
1. Hell
2. Priests
3. Getting on your knees for the Lord
4. Every Sunday you have to get up at the asshole of dawn to watch 2 virgins sing some songs about how much we all should love our 'merciful' god.

JUDAISM

PROS-
1. No Hell
2. Cool Hats
3. You're a far better investor and banker

CONS-
1. Boring as shit
2. Phlegm Language
3. You can't go to the South, Middle East, or Germany in the 40's
4. The Holocaust
5. All the women look like Anne Frank
6. There are (b)(m)illions of people that want to kill you

I was always skeptical of religion and how it didn't make sense. Here are some of my questions at just age 6.

1. "Who was there writing this down?"
2. "Why didn't they just get a map to go back to Israel?"
3. "Who the fuck put Moses in charge?"
4. "Why were there slaves and why did God allow it?"
5. "If Jesus was born in Bethlehem, in the Middle East, isn't he brown?"
6. "Why can't Santa Claus be black?"
7. "If Jesus can come back to life why can't my grandpa Ernie?"
8. "Where does the Pope come from in all this?"
9. "If God knows everything, why did he even tell Adam and Eve about the apple?"
10. "Why the fuck is there a snake talking?"
11. "How many drugs did the writer of this book do?"

After years and years of having more questions with no answers, and after learning more science, I realized that there's probably no god, no afterlife, and that religion as a whole, is a lie and was used to keep ancient people from killing each other. If you disagree, I recommend you listen to some Richard Dawkins and read up on some shit.

Here's a cool fact:

There are an estimated 100 billion galaxies in the universe.

There are an estimated 200-400 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy.

That means there must be roughly 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (10 sextillion) stars in the universe.

Are you going to tell me that there is a God somewhere above all of this shit that knows the movement of every single person and every single star and every single act? Are we to believe that God can take time out of his day to stop observing the stars and the motion of light and gasses to simply watch us play a fucking football game?

Does God really watch me NOT retweet him?

Bullshit.


Atheistjustin. Please remember.





Mazel tov.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Atheistjustin Is A Lazy Whore

I'm pretty sure for all of us, there have been multiple days where we've hit the snooze button at least once or twice. For me, my whole life is a snooze button. I think if my house was on fire and a firefighter was shouting at me that I had to get out of my burning cocoon of death, I would tell him "5 more minutes."

I am a lazy whore and I won't deny it. If school gave me the option of prostitution in exchange for nap time, I would wear high heels every day and buy some bombshells. Bombshells by the way, are fantastic. Especially on men.

I understand that its been roughly 10 days since my last post, but I am far too lazy to go on and hit the "Internet Explorer" button to open up my blog. "Who the fuck uses Internet Explorer" my stalker may ask? Well, I do. And this is because my asshole Google Chrome feels that I only have 1 e-mail account. and that it's whosteen1. However, I have 4 and my other more used account, which is connected to this one, is chodemonster69.

I am far too lazy to try and get my Google Chrome to stop syncing every single aspect of my entire life: Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Tumblr, and Blogger together into one big orgy of Justin Hawthorne. Besides, if all of these motherfuckers were in my e-mail ALL giving me notifications, I would have killed Mark Zuckerberg and the other Jews that have made the Internet.

Why? Because I'm too lazy to go through my e-mails and delete them all.

In order to remedy my laziness, I have become a coffee addict. But the half hour surge of energy I get is solely used to get me from my kitchen to my bus stop.

I must point out that I am indeed so lazy that I took a break from writing this blog post to watch a video of some asshole dropping the iPhone 5.

Here's a link to that pile of shit.http://www.complex.com/tech/2012/09/video-first-iphone-5-drop-test

Getting off on a bit of a tangent, does anyone else agree that this new iPhone is a hunk of steel shit? Why would I want my phone to be bigger and for what possible reason would a 2-tone back be necessary for? I think Apple should just face that after Steve Jobs died so did the company's creativity. The iPhone 5 was really more like an attempt at copying it's competitor the Android.

And when you think about it, Apple, as well as the iPhone, were pioneers not followers. They were the first to give us touch screen phones and make the cellphone into something truly beyond our capacity. The first iPhone, while such a piece of shit to today's standards, was a true Christopher Columbus in the technological world. But now, the iPhone is reduced to a whore merely trying to suck more dick than it's best friend "Lafaundah."


And just look at this fucker.


I can hear Steve Job's shouting in his coffin.

Anyway as I was writing this, I was assaulted by a fly and was too lazy to go out of my way to kill it. So instead, I waited in the hallway for it to magically attack me and thus allowing me it to swat it using an electric flyswatter. Because I'm too lazy to actually swish my wrist downward, I'll just let some volts of electricity kill a small insect for me.

Here's a picture of said event:



I am wearing sandals.


Well as a lazy piece of shit I am, I do promise that I will try my very hardest to write on this blog at least once a week for all my fellow fans. Surprisingly, I do actually have actual fans and I'd actually like to prove it to anyone reading this who may thank otherwise.

Special thanks to Nicole Cuba, Farah Bakri, and Kyle Fargesen for making me smile and giving me the energy to keep on typing away on this piece of shit.

  • Kyle Fargesen
    • even tho i dont know u i just died reading your blog, props

  • September 12
    Justin Hawthorne
    • Haha
    • Thanks

  • Kyle Fargesen
    • you can probably write a book with that shit
    • Like i hope they serve beer in hell, u just gotta do dome crazy shit and write it all down

  • September 12
    Justin Hawthorne
    • Hahaha I already did Write a book actually but thanks for your support I appreciate all the fans I can get

  • Kyle Fargesen
    • Oh lol np bud. Marlboro kids getting laughs from a manalapan guy hahaha


I would have written more to him but I was in the middle of SAT classes as he was messaging me. Oh well, this blog won't take my ass to college like the SAT will.


  • Farah Bakri
    • okay i must confess, i fucking love your blogspot and i read it all the time. you have a great sense of humor that actually makes me giggle, and its pretty hard for someone to make me laugh as much as i do when i read what you wrote

  • July 18
    Justin Hawthorne
    • AHHH! I'm honored, glad to know someone appreciates the shit I put up there
  • July 18
    Farah Bakri
    • It's awesome you have such a great potential of becoming a writer honestly between the vocabulary and the compositional risks. I love it all!

  • July 18
    Justin Hawthorne
    • You sound like my 8th grade english teacher, whom was a dyke. Regardless, thanks a bunches. Golf Wang

And my favorite of all was Nicole, not only was she a fan of my blog but she even liked my blog enough to want to get with me. How that makes any sense I have absolutely no idea. All I know is that over the summer, this blog actually got me ass. Thank you blog.

  • Nicole
    • hi, this might sound really creepy but I read your blog before and you're fucking hilarious c:

  • June 26
    Justin Hawthorne
    • Why thank you darling
    • It's not creepy at all I enjoy when people read my stuff

  • June 26
    Nicole
    • haha no problem! (:




However, as I finish up this blogpost, I find it necessary to tell everyone that Justin Hawthorne, the Never Wrong and the Awesome, is actually in a relationship. Yes, yes, I have a girlfriend and I barely even have to drug her when I see her.

Now I must slumber, writing this has made me sleepy. Because I Am A Lazy Whore.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Atheistjustin's Awkward Life

Now that I have "homework," it's going to take me a while to write a decent sized, decently written blogpost. I'm sure your crushed, but unless you can convince my cocaine addict teachers that homework isn't necessary every single second of your life, we're all beat.

Well, school has obviously started and I am looking forward to a year full of hard work and vigorous trial. My plan is to do my best and avoid drugs and alcohol. Something tells me however, that by the end of Junior year, I am going to become a Korean Prostitute addicted to crack.

It's going to be a great year.

I'm sure at least ONE of my faithful readers (my mom) is curious about my first day, so I'll tell her.

Let's start with acknowledging that there are some people I do not like. When it comes to all these people, there is one whom stands out. It's not polite to name names but let it be understood that this person and I were close friends.

Of course, when we were friends, I never saw them around.

But, now that things are awkward, they are literally on my bus and in 3 of my fucking classes. It's like getting stabbed with shards of broken glass.

First I got on the bus, and let me tell you how much fucking fun that was. First day: I couldn't find it. You know why? It came 15 minutes early. Perfect start to my year.

Finally arriving at school with 10 minutes extra time, I came dressed as a teacher so that I could fuck with Freshmen. Unfortunately, there was absolutely no time for Mr. Hawthorne to school some Freshmen and kick their little asses.

Class is in session, whores.

After discovering some bitch  in my first period/homeroom/hell I ventured to gym. Let me tell you that I finally got a chance to look at all the little Freshies and found that they are all below 5 feet tall. One girl in particular, is sincerely 4 feet tall. How the fuck are you all in High School?

3rd period is eh. The music teacher talks with that 'homosexual voice.' Do you know what I mean? I mean, when you're imitating a gay guy you use 'that' voice. Well, he has that voice- but is not homosexual. He has a wife.

My nipples are just as confused as you are.

Coming up after that is English. As much as I love English, I can just tell that being in honors is going to kick my ass.

Not only did I have homework the first day, but my teacher told us that in just a week, we would have to write our summer reading essays. She spends most of class talking with her eyes closed and repressing all the inner suffering she has being in her mid 40's and single.

I stumbled into AP History afterwards to find a teacher with the single most annoying voice in the history of audible sound. Her voice sounds like that high-pitched fart that comes out of your asshole after too much Peaking Pavilion.

There is absolutely nothing to like about this History teacher. Being that she is really young, some guys find her attractive, but I just find it annoying. Why is a 24 year old teaching me history when she hasn't even seen anything? I blame Mitt Romney.

I want a history teacher who has actually seen some history. Give me an old racist black guy any day. That old racist black guy probably hates my honky ass but at least he probably has some good fucking stories.

With bleeding ears, I came into my math class. Here is where we will stop for a bit and examine how amazingly awkward my life is.

First off, last year there was this very pretty blond girl I used to pass by every day on the way to first period and right after on my way to second. She was very pretty and I developed a bit of a crush on her.

One day, she liked my status for a confession.

Thinking she was a senior. now graduate, I told her of my past crush and that she was very pretty. It was 2 in the morning and I figured, "what the hell?"

Here is that very conversation.

Me: C: YOUR MAD FUCKEN HOT AND I HAD A CRUSH ON YOU LIKE ALL LAST YEAR BUT NOW THAT YOURE GRADUATING I DONT GIVE A FUCK AND WILL SAY WHAT I WANT. #ITCHYBALLS.

Girl: I'm a senior...

Me: Perfect.


When I walked into Pre-Calculus, guess who was there.

Yup.

Beside me in the same class is a different hot girl with whom I have absolutely no shot. Because I know how inadequate I am with attractive vagina'd creatures, I do not care about my appearance to them. My only concern is not being too annoying so they don't absolutely hate me.

I cannot pronounce her name. And because of this, I only imagine there being even more lovely encounters between she and I.

But to put a cherry on top of everything else. there is a special girl in my class.

Yeah.

Even though I am in a Senior course as a Junior, there is somehow a Sophomore in this class as well. Somehow, even though she has problems, she is very good at calculating math.

Just goes to show: math is retarded.

Now, she is very distracting as she cannot keep her thoughts to herself and quite frankly it's fucking distracting, awkward, and more annoying than getting crack on your shirt or getting your shirt in your crack.

Though, I suppose my favorite thing is that she wears really tight and tiny pants. Which, are inadequate at concealing her asshole. SO, being that I sit behind her, her entire asshole is shown to me and the world in broad daylight and is obviously the elephant in the room.

It's not that I find it sexually appealing at all, but it's kind of hard to not look at a retarded girl's asshole.

After seeing some asshole, I get the chance to finally get lunch. Which, by the way, is 5% more expensive because everything is now "healthier." Yeah okay. Thanks Obama.

To end my day off, I get to chill in Italian class which, I have to admit, is actually the highlight of my life. Special thanks to Becky Sorensen for wearing leggings.

School has just begun and my only question is: When the fuck is winter break and does anyone have any crack?


Monday, September 3, 2012

Atheistjustin Wraps It Up.

I'd like to think of this blogpost as being a condom. Metaphorically of course, I've never heard of a blog getting anyone pregnant. Then again, bitches be trippin, so you can never be too cautious. Special thanks to 50 Cent for teaching me that one.

Well, I'd like this blogpost to be a toast to the summer of 2012. It was one whore of a summer.

I didn't have a summer romance, I didn't get tan, I didn't get a job, I didn't do a lot, I didn't go to any parties because there weren't any, and best of all I still haven't gotten a 6 pack or Mila Kunis. This summer was a tease because after Spring Break I thought I'd be able to deliver multiple tales of stupid teenage excursions. Sadly, I was never arrested nor nearly raped/murdered/fondled on a subway.

I'm sure you're as disappointed as I am that I wasn't fondled on a subway. 

But here is a toast with our final cups of alcohol that we stole from our parents.
I guess I'll start with the fun stuff, the sweet 16's, of which I was lucky enough to enjoy 2. At one of them, there was a dildo-thing that for some reason was the center piece of our table. Joe enjoyed using it almost as much as I did.
  



I'm happy to say this is still in my room.



Now that all the fun stuff is out of the way, I'd like to focus on the fact that I spent this summer learning how to drive. While my Indian driving instructor referred to himself as "Alex," I'm almost positive his real name is Aleksanderjithundersen.

Later looking at the website, the car was misspelled 'Naitonal' instead of 'National.' Wow! So legitimate!
Most depressingly, Summer was spent inside the mall because there's nothing else to do when you're stuck in the middle of the suburbs with no car and all your friends are in sleep-away camp so you just wander your life away.
Oh and let's not forget that mighty little city New York. I had the wonderful opportunity to get my Jersey ass stuck in NYC two times which yielded to me only an overpriced Hendrix Vinyl record and shirt that looks like it was intended to be worn by gay sailors.

Shoutout 2 instagram
From the Italian-American Festival full of fat white people and slutty 13 year olds - to the party where I dressed up like Tyler the Creator and was prompted to eat a firefly- I can safely say that this summer will not be missed.

Though I can't say I'm excited for anything more than the FIRST day of school and the LAST day of hell, I have to admit that getting out of the 92 degree heat and humidity will be lovely.
There's nothing I miss more than yoga pants and the leggings that make their appearances in winter.

And so I finish this post giving you a final photo of the Krew and me attempting to look like a black guy.
Please excuse me as I weep because Junior Year starts in 3 days.
 


Who IS Atheistjustin?

My photo
I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.