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Thursday, May 31, 2012

Memorial Day Weekend.

I'm a lazy slut, so I apologize to my 14 fans for taking so long to write a new post. Anyway, I had another 'Justin Hawthorne' weekend. It will probably take me 8 times to write this post so I can remember everything that happened. Also, I will be incorporating some fun photos for the whole family's enjoyment. Let's all gather round the campfire and listen to another tale.
THURSDAY:

2:42 P.M.- Home from school, my nipples are lactating milk at a rate I did not know possible. I wait for Noah and Joe to get out of school so that I can make plans for this extended weekend.

3:23 P.M.- I arrive at Noah tha G's house with a bag full of supplies such as clothes and money. I should have brought a bag full of crack cocaine to ease my suffering this weekend. I also brought a broken Xbox that was sold to me broken. My intentions are to go back to the man that sold it to me and beat him to death with it. Or maybe eat his face.

4-7:30 P.M.- I swim, play basketball terribly (as I have the hand-eye coordination of a drunk baby), and cut the bullshit with the boys. telling them of my ridiculous journey with an insane girl.
7:36 P.M.- Noah, Joe, myself, and Ethan arrive at our friend Jordan's house. Some terrible music plays and this is where I really wish I had that big bag of crack. Or bath salt.

9:07 P.M.- Drama begins building up between the girls (shocking!) but since it doesn't concern me I fail to give a shit and instead decide to start rapping with Noah, as we are a musical team like Lennon and McCartney. I mean that with all sarcasm as Noah raps as well as 2Chainz. In other news, I love 2Chainz.

Here is a photo of this event:


I was sober.


 Here is a photo of Noah's reaction:

He didn't think I was.


12:37 A.M.- We finally leave Jordan's and I go back to Noah's basement and collapse on Noah's couch, this is a luxury I have missed for the past 2 weeks. I can already tell that I will be spending most nights in this position. My pants are strangely missing...

12:57 A.M.- I put the movie Dogma on and encourage my friends to watch it.

1:18 A.M.- My eyes are getting heavy... where are my pants....

FRIDAY:

10:32 A.M.- I haven't slept this late in forever, its awesome. I look for my pants and find them not too far away from my resting position on the couch. We did not finish the movie, I cry a lil.

BETWEEN 11:00 A.M.- 6:30 P.M.-I cannot remember what happened, probably because I'm a whore. All I remember is going to the mall where I purchased the greatest pairs of shorts of all time.

6:39 P.M.- Joe, myself, Noah, and Ethan arrive at our friend Danielle's establishment. Danielle has a pool and while Noah, Joe, and myself don't have swim trunks, I know this is not going to stop us from eventually going in. Obviously, we are badasses. #fuckdapolice

7:08 P.M.- Joe realizes there is a trampoline in the backyard. He forms a small erection, approximately 2 inches in length and 3 centimenters in diameter. I ponder if his sexual orientation is mine or instead similar to Elton John's. We go on the trampoline anyway because I know he just wants an excuse to touch me, so I give him one.

7:15 P.M.- I am a fat lazy piece of shit and realize that I am out of shape so my calf muscles are on fire and I am sweaty. Being on a trampoline beats the shit out of my cardiovascular endurance. Joe questions my sexual orientation, but he eventually joins me and Ethan in the pool.

8:19 P.M.- The night is young and there is a basketball hoop in the driveway. Noah gathers together a game. I am on his team as usual, and I am once again about as useless as a band aid to the Miami Zombie victim.

8:51 P.M.- I am a sweaty whore and go into the pool with the boys again. I enjoy being surrounded by men with no shirts on.

9:17 P.M.- Somehow I ended up back outside the pool and over by a fire.

9:23 P.M.- Trampoline time with Joe. We are sexy bitches.

9:45 P.M.- I go back to the fire and proceed to give Danielle a back massage. My skills are like that of an old chinese man.

10:01 P.M.- At somepoint around this time, I made this picture which I think perfectly explains my Friday:


Those abs are totally mine and not Ethan's.



11:39 P.M.- The boys hitch a ride back to Noah's house using our friend Alexa's dad. Her dad is awesome and does not give a shit that we are sopping wet with semen. I mean water, not semen, were not gay.


12:03 A.M.- We are back in the basement kissing- I mean, playing video-games. Towards the end of the night, we put Dogma back on because we never actually finished. Still though, we pass out before the movie's end.


SATURDAY:

Awaken- Unknown time.

Collinswood arrival- Uknown time.

Went home for a 30 minute break to shower and get new clothes- Unknown time.

Girls came over to Noah's- Unknown time.

Girls left- Unknown time.

What do I know? Absolutely nothing.

SUNDAY:

10:41 A.M.- I arrise from my slumber on Noah's couch. Noah's dad is having his birthday BBQ and thus requires Noah and I to do manual labor to set it up.

1:20 P.M.- After being covered in grime and sweat I jump into the pool. Noah's family comes over and I converse with them and enjoy a lovely game of basketball. Still, my skill has not improved and I play about as well as Ray Charles. Actually, Ray Charles is black, so he can probably ball hard. So actually, I played as well as Hellen Keller, that bitch white.

7:17 P.M.- I shower and change into fashionable hipster clothes as there is a party tonight. Though I know I definitely will not score tonight, I like to pretend that people like me.

8:21 P.M.- Noah, Joe, and I arrive fashionably late, as we are assholes, and mingle. Currently at this social gathering there are 3 little groups: Freehold girls, Manalapan girls, and my homieZ. (Capital Z because I am cool.)

9:03 P.M.- We discover that the Manalapan girls would rather be at a banger somewhere else, so we tell them if they want to leave they can. They become bitches. I put my hand over one of the girls mouths as she is talking nonsense. She yells at me. I begin to tell her, "It stops talking to its intellectual superior or it gets the hose again." She is offended.

9:46 P.M.- Generally at this home, we make fires to pass the time. But nobody can make fires as well as I can because I am a firebender. I create this magical fire and invite ladies over where I harass the shit out of them and take photographs.




10:32 P.M.- The party is now at its pinnacle as I am in the bathroom where girls are putting make-up on me. Unsurprisingly, this is about the 100th time I've had make up on in my life. Seriously though, I like girls. Most of my friends are convinced I have changed sexual tastes. They are incorrect but cannot take me seriously with mascara on.


10:57 P.M.- Asshole is now at the party and says he can give me a ride back to Noah's house. He informs me that his cousin will pick us up. This is untrue.

11:27 P.M.- I ask asshole where his cousin is. He tells me that I was the one that told him I had a ride. I am frustrated. Now in this situation, I call my mom and inform her that we need a ride to Noah's. She agrees to come get us.

11:43 P.M.- Asshole, Joe, Asswipe and myself are headed back to the G's house. I decide I'd rather just go home and sleep in my own bed for the first time in days. I head home.

MONDAY:

10:35 A.M.- I arrise and begin to play video-games, a pass-time I have not enjoyed in weeks. I now understand why I am a fat piece of shit.

11:18 A.M.- I text Joseph John Sada about whats going on today and what happened last night when I was not present.

11:56 A.M.- Joe informs me that last night, Asshole fell asleep and proceeded to have penises and such written on his face and body, with sharpie markers. Asshole was gone by early morning. I LOL'd and told them I would be over later.

3:58 P.M.- I arrive at Noah's once more. I am wearing a shit load of red and look as if I am representing the bloods. Obviously, I am cool.

5:35 P.M.- By this time, both Joe and Ethan were gone which left Noah and I with some alone time... We read articles on Complex magazine.

6:00 P.M.- Noah, his dad, his dad's girlfriend, and I sit down at the movie theatre. In front of us sit these small kids. Noah and I like to sit in the very last row of the theatre so that way there's nobody behind us kicking our chairs or talking volumously. (I mean YOU black people.)

6:32 P.M.- The coming attractions are playing and these little fuckers are annoying the shit out of me and Noah. They ask Noah if he wants Raptor 7's and how big his feet are. They inform him that the Celtics suck, as Noah is wearing a Pierce jersey. Noah asks, "why does this always happen to us?"

6:34 P.M.- While this was funny at one point, it has become increasingly more annoying. I inform security that there are 3 underage, unsupervised kids. They swoop in and those little fuckers shut up. I realize once again that I am Justin Hawthorne, I am Never Wrong, and I am Awesome.

8:39 P.M.- Noah and I are on the way to a party that neither of us think we are going to have a good time at.

8:52 P.M.- I rekindle my love for Joe and Ethan as they are at the party. I see some more familiar faces and converse with them bitches. I find myself having a good time, this is a new experience.

9:20 P.M.- It is to my understanding that I am getting the boys a ride back to Noah's at 10:30 because Noah wants to leave. However, Noah changes his decision and instead we decide to leave at 11:30 via cab.

9:45 P.M.- The hostess of the party brings out her acoustic guitar. She is a terrible strummer and is unexperienced. She can sing very well however, but I am Awesome and can play the guitar better than most musicians I've met. Yes, I am the cockiest motherfucker ever when it comes to music.

10:12 P.M.- I now have control over the guitar. I play songs to people about how big their genitals are and how I would enjoy their physical company. They are uncomfortable. I laugh at my awesomeness.

11:30 P.M.- The cab arrives on time surprisingly. For some reason, our cab driver has his bluetooth on and was talking to other drivers and customers. This is really annoying because if we are trying to talk in the back of the cab, we couldn't, because he would suddenly start shouting full volume. That old fucker didn't get tipped.

12: 04 A.M.- Noah goes up to his room while Joe, Ethan, and I go down to the basement. We talk about our adventures the past few days and how school is just in a day. We realize that we are all leaving early tomorrow morning and will be doing work and such the next day. This is a sad moment, but I am relieved that I can now go back to my bed and be naked as I play video-games.

TUESDAY:

9:08 A.M.- I do not want to get up, but my mom is on her way. I say peace out to my bitcheZ and go home.

10:32 A.M.- I sleep.

2:08 P.M.- I get up and play those glorious video-games. This is the most relaxed I have been all break.

12:09 A.M.- I finally fall asleep but realize I do not want to go to school whatsoever.

WEDNESDAY:

6:10 A.M.- I finally get the will to get up and proceed my day.

7:13 A.M.- I get off the bus and see these 3 gruesome human beings sitting on a bench in front of the school. I fucking hate them already and want to leave. I question why I must come to this concentration camp.

7:15 A.M.- I pass by the most unnatractive couple in school and hate them with all my soul.

7:27 A.M.- I go into my homeroom and see my homeroom teacher that loathes me. Seeing her huge smile, or as you would probably reffer to it as death glare, I remembered how horrible this place is.

7:32 A.M.- I pass by 6 people I despise, do not want to see, and feel uncomfortable being around.

7:33 A.M.- I see a girl wearing short shorts that are so small I can actually see her lower buttocks. My day is suddenly not as bleak.

2:26 P.M.- I survived school, I don't know how. Thankfully I come to the understanding that there are only 2 days left in the week and that school itself is over in a few weeks. But still, that seems too long.






I just can't wait for next weekend.


Thursday, May 24, 2012

My Doggiez.

When I was 10 years old my first dog, Samson, died by drowning to death in a pool. For most kids, this would probably be a devastating event in their lives. I remember that my sister and even my step mom were absolutely broken up about this. You know what I said? "What a waste of money."

As you can see I'm not overly compassionate about animals. Looks like I'm not joining PETA. However, to this day I have 2 dogs in replacement of Samson, and well, I fucking hate them. Well, I only hate one of them, the other dog is just fat and lazy.

I'll explain that after Samson died my step mom was really upset about what happened and my dad bought a brand new pug puppy to replace Samson. He was cute and little and cuddly back in his younger days. Now, that little fucker doesn't do shit but bark and bite and shed everywhere. This is the dog I hate. There's not much I can really say about him other than that his name is Tyson because since he's so small, we thought it would be ironic to name him Tyson after the boxer.

It's due to Tyson's loneliness one Summer that my family decided to get another dog so that Tyson would have some company. Our newest edition to our family was Gracie. This dog is probably immortal. She is awesome. This where hilarity ensues.

Gracie is a rescue animal, she was used for breeding baby pugs and was mistreated. Now I know this is sad, but it somehow resulted in her losing her lower jaw. Oh yeah, this dog doesn't have a bottom jaw. This means her tongue constantly hangs out of her face, at all times. She is physically incapable of keeping her tongue in her mouth. Tell me that's fucking hilarious.

In addition to her 7 inch tongue constantly drooping out of her face, she is also overweight even though we feed her less. Oh and to feed Gracie, we have to mix the dog food with water so she can eat it without chewing cause well... no jaw. But if there's too much water then she could drown and die. This dog is already awesome.

So you have this over weight, tongue hanging, 11 year old pug. Now, this dog is so overweight and old that whenever she moves, which is only two times a day, she makes this loud moaning noise that sounds like a chicken being strangled. I really wish there was some way I could properly convey to you how hilarious this noise is, but sadly, that age in technology has not arrived.

Recently, some amount of months ago, Gracie had a minor stroke. This somehow resulted in her head being stuck in a constant diagonal because I'm sure something in her body now doesn't work anymore.

My favorite super power of Gracie is that she sleeps on her side with her eyes wide open. So whenever she sleeps, she looks like she's dead. And since she's a heavy sleeper, you generally have to kick her 5 or 6 times to see if she's still alive or not. Every time though, there's really no assurance that she will actually get up.

As if all these details weren't great enough, she is also prone to frequent ear infections which smell rancid.

And when Gracie sheds, she sheds in clumps. If you run your hand down Gracie's back, or try to pet her at all, you will be absolutely covered in her hair.

Gracie's Super Powers
1- Obesity
2- Constant Hanging Tongue
3- Awkward Sleeping Position
4- Diagonal-Head-Creating Strokes
5-Smelly Ears
6- Super Shedding Abilities

Obviously, this dog is fucking immortal.


What could a dog like this look like? Well here you go.

 
 
 
 
IMPORTANT BLOG UPDATE!
 
Gracie Mae Hoffmann passed away over the summer. She was 15 years old, or 105 in dog years. Cause of death: God realized he forgot to kill her like 10 years ago and took care of the job.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Brandon.

There are two types of funny people in the world. There are people like me that make sarcastic witty comments and use vocabulary to make people laugh. And then there are people that just look funny. Seriously, there are people that can just walk around and live their lives and its fucking hilarrrrrrrrious. I am not one of these people, but a short little freshman on my bus by the name of Brandon is.

Noah can also be categorized under this group, but that's only because he's Jewish.

Anyway, Brandon is funny because he's not necessarily the brightest. Okay, so he's an idiot. But it's fucking hysterical. Now, I'm not making fun or 'bullying' this kid. I sincerely like Brandon and wish I could follow him around with a camera. Sadly, I do not have his permission. Oh well.

So last week I was on the bus heading home and Brandon was with us in the back. Now, Brandon never comes into a conversation with anything important or of value. As a matter of fact, Brandon doesn't even stay on topic. He just kind of says whatever is on his mind. He just spreads rumors that are 100% false and makes interesting tales spiral out of his mouth.

On this particular day, Brandon felt the need to inform us that "Gorillas are the smartest animals." This right off the bat should pretty much explain who Brandon is. My friend, Alex, chimed in and couldn't allow Brandon's misinformation to pursue any longer. The conversation ensued like this:

"No Brandon, Dolphins are the smartest animals."

"No! Dolphins can't even sit!"

"What..."

"If you tell a dolphin to sit, it won't understand. It's not like a dog that can speak human."

"Brandon, dogs do not speak human they just learn commands."

"But gorillas learn the most commands."

"No Brandon-"

"Okay monkeys!" (As if monkeys and Gorillas are not the same thing)

"Brandon that's the same thing."

"You know there was a monkey that learned how to talk. His name was Koko!"

"Koko was a lab monkey that was trained for 12 years."

"YOU KNOW KOKO?!" (As if Alex knew Koko personally.)

"No Brandon, its common knowledge."

"I watched a documentary on Koko once. It was good."

At this particular moment I was laughing so hard I couldn't even control my bladder. A little bit of pee actually came out. This is right around where Alex said he couldn't wait to drive. Then Brandon replied with this:

"When you get a license they drug test you right?!"

Alex's eyes just stared at Brandon, completely shocked that this type of question was even fathomable.

"Yes Brandon. They also make you drink a gallon of horse semen."\

"REALLY!? I don't want to drink that!"

Hopefully, this will just be one of many Brandon stories I can tell you about. I really, really hope so.


GLARE NOVICE.

As you already know, I have a list of 10 things to do before I graduate. Number 2 is to record a music video and put it on YouTube. Obviously, before I can make a video I need to have recorded a song. And well, I asked a couple people to use their studio but only 1 came through. His real name is Alex but his entertainment name is Glare Novice. Well, this post is in appreciation of him, Glare Novice.

Now, I don't mean to sound like I'm gay, even though most people are convinced I am, but I love this kid. I met him in economics and for those that don't know, that class is totally packed with Seniors all of whom I don't know. The best part is, they all look like they want to fight me. Anyway, after a couple months I got a friend request from Alex and obviously accepted. Scrolling down his page, I saw a link to DatPiff  for his mixtape. I checked it out and I sincerely liked it.

About a week later I told him, "yo, I love your shit." As I tried heavily not to sound like a creeper, I went on to explain that I really liked his song "Before the Show Starts" as its melodic sound was real and sounded like it came from a real place of talent. Right after that he liked me.

After a while, he and I got to talking about his recording studio and I requested to use it. He kindly said sure and later today I'm actually using it to record a few songs. No, I don't really think I'll become a full-fledged rapper, but if I get good response, who knows. All I do know is that Glare Novice is a pretty cool, pretty talented kid and I encourage all of you to check it out.

His website can be found here: http://glarenovice.com/

I know, he's goofy looking, but he's my producer and hopefully a future musician. Don't think I'm going to start making blog posts giving shout-outs and promos to rappers in our school and stuff. I'm just trying to pay homage to a friend.

Oh and check out his show May 25th, I'll be there with my clothes off with GLARE NOVICE painted across my nipples.

Who IS Atheistjustin?

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.