or better yet, rub my nipples with hot candle wax and spank me. Actually, that won't answer any of your questions, but it will definitely give you a fun story to tell at parties and to your children. I told my grandma about this one time at a Rutgers party and well, she's been in Briar Cliff Mental Hospital ever since. But that's a blog post for another day.
Let's get back to my dying.
Okay, so I'm not really dying, but whatever. So let's back track to last Friday at 2A.M. I woke up really itchy and proceeded to scratch myself for a good 45 minutes until finally stopping myself and sleeping. Long story short, I ended up calling out of work on Monday because my doctor told me my hives could be caused from the dyes, dust, and materials of the store.
Needless to say, my nipples were wet with fear. I was pissed, concerned, and full of semen. I finally got a job that I not only enjoyed working at, but which also gave me a sweet pay and discount. Then I'm to find out that I'm allergic to it? Fuck Obama.
So anyway, after periods of sever itching and/or being covered in Calamine lotion, I discovered the true culprit was actually my feather comforters and pillows. Also, I'm allergic to heroine but shhh. In actuality, I'm still not sure what I'm allergic to, but tests next week will figure that out. (Blogpost to come soon).
It was Tuesday when I asked my Manalapan Brethren if they missed me. One person, by the name of Kelsey Imahugejewwithgingerhair replied to me and I responded to her, by of course, fucking with her. This is how it all went down.
This spurred a rumor throughout my high school, because the people that go to my high school are fucking retarded. While there are exceptions to the rule (Asians), most students in the school are women with large badonkadonks and boys that do blues and will be attending Brookdale Community College soon after graduation. Also, please don't stab me.
Literally, everyone was under the impression that I had left or was gone forever. Upon my arrival back today, I was questioned by peers, teachers. and a lesbian with a monkey on her shoulders. Her reason for being at my school: still unknown.
With that being said, I'm feeling much better now and I hope to be back on my nipples in just a few days. I leave all of you now, with a picture of the one man that can really cure me: Bill Cosby.
(This picture was later taken down by Google just like how most things related to Bill Cosby were). Such a shame.