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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Atheistjustin Goes To Church

 will give you all a little tale about an atheist boy named Justin. Justin has hard nipples, acne, a girlfriend with a penis, and family members from both the Jewish and Roman Catholic religions. One of those facts isn't true, can you guess which one it is?

Since his family is Roman Catholic, he has been to chuch several times, as a matter of fact, he has been to church more often than any Christian, Catholic, Protestant adolescent he's ever met in his home town. He is atheist though, and so when he goes to these masses, he listens with ridicule, skepticism, and hard nipples.

Well, that boy grew up to become the atheistjustin and is now the very writer of this blog. Let me tell you a little more, I haven't been to church in something like two years. The last time I went, the response was and also with you and the prayers were different. But today of all Sundays, I found myself in the beloved temple of lies known as church.

I went to be nice to my family because my charity and hospitality are the only things that will ever get me to wake up at 9 A.M. on a Saturday. Or maybe fire. Or sex. Or fire sex. Cocaine.

Off I was today with my two sisters and dad to church. Upon arrival, I noticed a police officer right outside in his cruiser, watching over the people in the parking lot. Here comes my first question: if these people are all gathering in a church to worship their imaginary friends, why do they need supervision? Isn't it all to be a good person and show that you're a man of god? Why does there have to be an officer there if the average Christian is supposed to be a good guy?

Then as I left I saw him directing traffic, so that answered that question.

Roman Catholics:1
Atheists: 0

As I went inside I was greeted by a traffic of people and some chaos until finally my family found a pew in the front. Sitting down, looking at the people, I knew I was in for an adventure. The first thing I noticed was the architecture: the way the ceilings were enormously high and the odd shape of the building threw me off guard. I thought about how much space was here and how nice it would look if the building was a strip club.

I'm serious though, that cross Jesus hangs from would be the perfect place for someone to pole dance. I would be happy to audition.

I saw this nice little treasure on the alter: a golden chest. I asked my sister what it was (being that she goes to CCD) and she told me that the body of Christ was in there. I was immediately full of questions again. Why do we have a body part of Jesus? Is the box refrigerated? Does Jesus need that back for the second coming? Can I look at it? Does it smell bad? Is that real gold or just gold paint? Did I leave the iron on? Why is the man across from me staring at me? Can he smell the atheist on me?

I looked around some more and saw some statues and models of the Nativity with baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and of course the three wise men. BUT THEN, came another question.

Who are the three wise men? What makes them wise? How did they know Jesus was born? Why are they all white people if were in the Middle East? Isn't Jesus black? Why is that guy taking his pants off across from me?

Further on we proceeded as the mass began. Reagan, the little homie, was playing on her leap frog and having a dandy little time totally ignoring all the singing and talking. My biggest complaint was this: can't we just fucking sit down. I mean honestly, do we really need to stand up and sing? Is god going to get pissed off if we relax while we praise him? Why is that man across the pews touching himself?

The man touching himself put his pants on and threw on some robes. Turns out he was the priest, and then began the service. I was totally left out, because I forgot how to do their secret hand codes. The Catholic religion reminds me a lot of a nerdy Star Trek group. With their little secret language, hand sings, and cool costumes, it's almost the same exact thing. The biggest difference is that the leader of the Catholics gets to wear a cool hat.





Look at that fuckin' thing. Swag to the max Pope Benedick.



The Priest continued on with his service and was explaining the power of faith and how on Christmas, he was saddended by how faith isn't something that carries on in the family and blah, blah, blah. Here's another argument: what good has faith ever done? With the exception of giving people comfort in death, what has faith done? I'm pretty sure that faith in one's relgiion is what led to the Crusades, other wars all throughout history, and 9/11. As one Atheist's T-Shirt says: Science flies us to the moon, Religion flies us into buildings.

Get wrecked.

Roman Catholics: 1
Atheists: 1

The Priest left the alter and the choir began. My favorite songs like, "Christ Have Mercy," "Oh God, Your Glory," and "I Buttfucked The Little Altar Boy" played and I felt awkward not singing. The fact is though, I was being respectful. I didn't want to participate in something I don't believe in because thats just plain rude and two-faced. That's like an old man rapping to Eminem's "Ass Like That "it's just innapropriate and wrong.

Up next came the part where everybody goes to score some $1.50 wine and crackers. Those crackers, by the way, are probably exactly what the Pope's dick tastes like. As everyone went to get up me and Reagan were left alone for a little and she asked me why I didn't go up. I told her it was because I never had communion and proceeded to answer her questions about the statues of the Nativity.

"Why does that man have a box?"
-It's a present for baby Jesus honey.

"Is that a goat?"
-Yes love, they're in a manger.

"Are there elephants in a manger?"
-No, just some hay and farm animals.

"Are there any other aminals?"
-Animals, sweety. And no."

"Why does baby Jesus have a crown on his head?"
-Because he's the king of something, I don't know bitch I'm a fucking atheist this is all bullshit kid let me get you out of here.

As everyone was sitting back down, Reagan was talking so I stopped her and said, "shh, you have to whisper in church, you have to be quiet right?" Right after, the priest started again.

"WHY IS HE YELLIN?!"
-Because he's the priest honey.

 ^ I lol'd.

Not too long after, the service ended and my nipples went back to their hard ways. I gained nothing out of the mass, had more questions, and felt tired. With all that said and done, it can be seen clearly that I am not a huge fan of church, but do enjoy going a little bit.

As I leave you all now, I give you a beloved picture of my sister Reagan







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