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Thursday, November 29, 2012

Atheistjustin FUCKING HATES APPLE.

I was going to originally title this blogpost "My Nipples Are Wet, So Kiss me." but unfortunately, I am currently in a fit of rage and despair. Initially, I wanted to write a blog post about my homie Nick Foreman and talk about the strange fact that everyone in Manalapan High is slowly leaving. Unfortunately, Apple Inc. fucked that all up.

So here is my problem right off the bat: I don't have a Macintosh. That's right. For my 13th birthday, I wanted my own computer so I went to Best Buy and said, "Look assholes, I have $750 and I need a machine with a keyboard and a screen on top of that." They pointed me towards the HP in the back and after about 5 minutes I was sold.

I may as well have been sold as a sex slave, because I got fucked on that day.

Only a few months after did shit start falling off, taking forver to load, and a whole bunch of other shit. Around sometime last year, I spilt tea (yes tea, I'm a hipster faggot) all over my computer and fried the speakers, so they don't work anymore. Now, whenever I'd like to hear sound, I have to use my headphones and awkwardly watch porn 8 inches from my face with the help of my headphones.

What does this have to do with Apple?

Well nothing yet, but I would like to mention that Apple is way too expensive. I have talked to at least 4 Asian kids and they have all told me that for the amount of money we pay for them, the Asian kids could build 4 of the same computer equally as good.

Obviously the Asian kids are good at building things, that's why we have the small children make our tampons and pretty much all of our shit.

The TRUE problem is that in today's modern society, if you want to listen to music, you need iTunes. Lets be real here, when's the last time you've gone to someone's house and they used Windows Media Player?

But iTunes doesn't work well with PC's because the assholes at Apple want you to buy their shit, not anyone else's. Because of this, my iTunes constantly freezes, crashes, and gives me itchy gooch. But this is only the first problem.
Secondly, I have the unfortunate love of iPhones because unlike other smart phones, they're the only phones that everyone knows about and loves and thinks is sexy. With the exception of poor people, Asians, and soul-less bastards at Microsoft, people are all about the sexualness of the iPhone. What do you need to update your white piece of shit? iTunes. See how this is a problem?

As if that wasn't enough, my megaton whore fuck of a phone likes to pretend I hate it. In actuality, I have tried to have sex with it on multiple occasions. In totally unrelated news, I have severe cuts on my penis.

So there I was just a few days ago, dick in one hand and my updating iPhone in another. It was plugged into my HP sucking the life out of it, and trying to "update." Which by the way, is fucking bullshit. Until they entirely switch the IOS system does it ever actually change. Are you going to tell me that you noticed the distance from IOS6 and IOS6.01?

You have a better chance of me stroking Joe's penis while he sleeps. Just kidding, that happens pretty much every night.

When my piece of shit phone finished updating, I saw that I had an "Other" space of 3.4 gigabytes.

wut.

wut.

wut.

Macklemore, can we go thrift shopping?

go fuck yourself, mack.

So I called Apple because I had no space left for any more child pornography, music, or pictures of orphans. My current background is currently of an Ethiopian boy named Dreythunjjjjj. I call him, "Hungry."

What great information did Apple have to tell me? What was their genius advice to fix my phone? Back up everything and restore my phone.

K bitch.

It took me a solid 2 hours for my slutPhone to fully restore and back up because there is more shit on there than there is in Kim Kardashian's mouth. Is there still 3.4 Gigs of Other? Yes. Does my phone strangely still add more porn and music? Yes. Am I going to continue to ask myself more questions and answer them? Yes. Do I like waffles? Yes.

With that all said and done, I am almost positive that when I get my next computer, it's probably going to end up being a Macbook because let's face it: Apple products are sexy, cool, and most widely used by famous people and TV show characters named Gregory.


 And now, as I finish up this iPost, I leave you with a picture of the only 'Mac' I've ever cared for.






2 comments:

  1. thanks for the link. reminds me of my college days (not that I went, but yanno, I was at the frat parties.) as for Apple, I hate them and refuse to spend even one penny on their over priced crap. Windows Media works just fine for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll bet the frat parties now adays are different with all the hipsters and Apple products.

      Delete

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