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Saturday, November 3, 2012

Surviving Hurricane Sandy P. 1


As I write this, I am in an electrified kitchen in Pennsylvania. With running water, food, gas, and electricity, I am easily one of the most blessed people from New Jersey. Before I begin this shitty post, I'd like to say FUCK YOU to every fuckboy that got power before me (including my girlfriend) (fuck you bitch).

Also, I wish the very best to those that may have been devastated by the storm, though I'm pretty sure none of them read my blog. So I guess, fuck them too.

Anyway, it's been 4 days, 23 hours, and 27 minutes since my power went out in my home and I have been slowly dying ever since. I didn't think Sandy would do shit, and I was pretty convinced she was a pussy. Sadly, I was incorrect.

If Sandy was any woman, she was my ex-girlfriend, because she fucked everybody. My ex-girlfriend, by the way, is Paris Hilton.

By "ex-girlfriend" I mean Korean Hooker off Route 9.

And by "Paris Hilton" I mean, Kim Suk-Me-Titty.

But I suppose I should start my journey with Hurricane Sandy, and explain to everyone what the famous Atheistjustin has been doing.

I suppose I'll start with the day before the storm hit, Sunday. I was at Joe faggot Sada's house and was putting away his outdoor furniture. He, myself, and his parents, were all assured that this storm would end up being nothing at all, and since Irene was a class higher, we were pretty much expecting a drizzle.

We all know, that is a load of shit.

The very next day, Monday, at 4:15 P.M., my power went out in my house .That is when it hit me, when it hit all of us, that this motherfucking storm was no drizzle. This was a hurricane. And not a little white girl pussy hurricane like Irene, but a big fat black woman hurricane that won't shut the fuck up during a movie. They should have named this Hurricane Shaniqua.

My power was out and we resorted to candles, flashlights, board games, books, and thoughts of suicide. When my power went out I tried my hardest to conserve battery power on my phone, but I couldn't resist tweeting. My tweets, as they progressed, showed signs of me slowly losing my fucking mind.

"Hahaha, I just told myself an amazing Joke."

If I had a picture, I would show you all. Sadly, I like boys.

During the time of the black out, I managed to complete 2 books, 19 rounds of Connect 4, Parchese, Sorry!, and finished Kirby two times on the Nintendo DS.

As a small anecdote, when I found my Nintendo DS, my nipples became so incredibly moist that I could have drenched the Sahara Desert with them.

My DS had not been charged in a solid 9 years, and yet the green light shone like a motherfucking traffic light.

Traffic lights, by the way, are still not functional. Who wants to go drag racing?


My mom and I investigated the surrounding area and saw shit toppled over, broken, closed, and scary. It kind of resembled the inside of my asshole.

We saw a gas station open, but the next day it was out of gas. We tried to cross over Rt. 33, but it was blocked. We saw a homeless man, and we killed him.

Moving on, we spent the night drinking expensive wine with our neighbors and dined on one of the finest feasts I've ever had. It was good, and I felt that power might just come back the next day.

WRONG MOTHERFUCKER. Wednesday my mom and I couldn't quite take it anymore. So we got our things, packed up, got in our Subaru, and....

had no gas.

SO we took my grandfather's car, put our things in, went to Route 1 and...

I beat my previous record for number of consecutive days alive.

We made it over the bridge. Like an Eagle, soaring over her young, my penis was harder and mightier than the rocket launchers on an Apache helicopter. My mom and I rejoiced in the vehicle, which was so awkward because I had a boner the size of Oprah's clitoris, but whatever.

And so, for about 4 days, I have been in my Uncle's Pennsylvanian utopia.

However, with only a small bag of clothes and my PS3, DS, and iPhone, I've been bored as tits. I miss my home and I know I sound like a bigger fag than I usually do, but I miss my girlfriend. Hell, I miss all my friends, even that ugly ass Jew Noah.

My hope is that everyone's power comes back and that this Halloween I can successfully dress up as Waldo and get free candy. My wish is for everything to go back to normal, and for my High School to die.

With wishful thinking and an optomistic hope, or perhaps just gas, Atheistjustin out this bitch.

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.