When I buy my pack of extra small condoms and kit-kats around Christmas time, I get really fucking pissed off when the cashier makes change, gives me my receipt, and says, "happy holidays." I also hate when they critique me on my 2.1 inch shaft, but that's besides the point.
What I hate more than ANYTHING is the term "Happy Holidays." Nobody is walking around thinking "oh wow, I can't wait for Kwanzaa!" This is Christmas time god damn it, and even as an atheist, I have to say that its total fucking bullshit that people don't say Merry Christmas anymore. Seriously, who is being offended by hoping someone has a good day?
Is it the Jews?
Is it the Muslims?
Is it the work of Oprah? That whore.
All I know is, that even though I don't believe in the virgin birth of the savior of man/king of the Jews, I still think that Christmas is an awesome holiday. There is no feeling like the morning of Christmas, where you wake up and feel the surge of happiness from unwrapping presents and getting your gifts. It makes my balls tingle just thinking about it.
Ho-Ho-Ho ladies ;)
In my perfect Utopia that I will one day create, there will be no religion and there will be a mandatory exercise that all citizens must do so that they're not fat like Wisconsinites. Also, people will be able to smoke whatever they want, whenever they want. But in addition to all that, I also want a holiday on December 25th, where people do the exact same things on Christmas, but the holiday will be called Hawtmas.
My country will also have no pants. Ever.
However, Christmas is a long time from now, about a month and 3 days to be exact. Today, is actually Thanksgiving and perhaps now would be a good time to list off all the things I'm thankful for:
THINGS I'M THANKFUL FOR
1. The murdering of Native Americans 500 years ago
With that all said and done, I wish everyone a happy motherfucking Thanksgiving and to remind everyone that the average Thanksgiving meal is 5,000 calories. So don't become fat pieces of shit. Or I will cut you.
Also, if you go to the mall on Black Friday and go to Tilly's between the hours of 4p.m.-11p.m. you will see me and I will be handing out free Chinese babies to anyone that would like them. The fat ones cost 5 dollars.
But in all seriousness, I actually did get a job at Tilly's and so far it is awesome. There's nothing I love more than working with people and working on Black Friday is just going to make my nipples so incredibly hard. If my boss is reading this, hi.
Please don't fire me.
When it comes to Tilly's, I must admit I have always been a fan of the store. Being that I have purchased several beanies, shoes, and other clothes from the store, I've been a customer for a while. Working there and getting that 20% discount is sexy and much appreciated. I also can't wait to start wearing skinny jeans to the point where my balls will resemble walnuts.
Though I am not a skater (more of a hipster to be honest) I still highly reccomend all my motherfucking fans to come down and visit me. Also, if you buy something that will make me look good. And if I look good, I will stroke you in any area you'd like me to.
With that being said, here's a picture of the man who founded this amazing country and without him we would have nothing to be thankful for and no holidays or Black Fridays to celebrate.
I'm talking of course about Tom Brady.