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Sunday, November 18, 2012

Atheistjustin is a Pussy

If there is one thing my sugar-coated tits are not, it is athletic. Though I am dashingly handsome, hilarious, have a huge penis, and able to make music with my anus- I am a terrible athlete. My body is magically slender, but far from muscular. Instead of a six pack and huge arms, I have bacne and hair.

But that is all right with me. I mean after all, have you ever heard of an athlete making good music? Or of an athlete being hilarious or a good writer? I think not. Actually, if you want to laugh your ass off, go on YouTube and look for DeSean Jackson's rap songs.

Well, even though I am an nonathletic piece of shit, I decided sometime over the summer that maybe I should try to do SOMETHING other than touch myself and write blogposts about my boyfriends. So I thought of a possible sport I could do.

Football? Hell no, I have no hand-eye coordination.

Golf? Hell no, I have self respect.

Bowling? Hell no, the last time I bowled, a little Indian boy got a higher score than me. He was 6.

Track? Hell no, my cardiovascular endurance is worse than my AIDS.

Swim? Well...

Well..

So there I had it. I would take my shirt, pants, and underwear off in front of boys in a locker room so that I could get in a chlorine-piss infested pool to show off my awesome skills. I thought it would be easy, and that a mere exercise of running every once in a while would get me through try outs. Well, I was fucking wrong.

Swimming is hard, harder than my nipples when I watch new episodes of Dexter. It literally works every single muscle in your body and after only 5 laps of swimming, I got out of the pool and said, "Yeah, Mr. M, swims not for me. Have a great day, thanks for the opportunity."

It was a good try, and I pat myself on the back for trying. But those crazy motherfuckers on the swim team should totally be respected. It's an intense sport, and a damn good one. The kids on the team all had amazing bodies and I became a little hard looking at their pecs.

No, I'm not gay.

Well..

With the help of Neeks Petosa, I maintained my sanity and decided that I should stick to typing away on my little keyboard, and stay away from water, and exercise.



A perfect pic of us.



Soon after swim tryouts I went back home and ate cookies and crack rocks. The following day, which is Saturday for anyone that might be slow, I went to the mall with Joe. Going to the mall is one of my favorite past times, the simple thrill of walking around and seeing expensive things I don't want to buy is a joy. I also enjoy staring at the Hasidic Jews and screaming "MAZEL TOV!!!"

My goal of the day was to simply buy a cardigan for less than $20 and long behold I found one for $17.95 at H&M (prounounced hm).

Well, after buying the cardigan, wearing it, and getting several compliments from it, I walked into the store Tilly's. There, I found this little treat-



The homie Casie in full employee uniform. Though she is only 4'9.5'' she is somehow and employee at this store and can barely reach the cash register. Either way, after I said hi and bye to her, she talked to the manager and informed her that I myself, is in need of a job. Long ago in a galaxy far, far away I had applied to this very place but did not hear back.

With the help of a child-sized friend, I successfully became employed at Tilly's.


As all days pass, so did Saturday and Sunday came along. From this day forth, I am no longer and Eagles fan. Having a record of 3-7 is not only embarrassing, but it is humiliating when all of your friends are kicking your asses.

From the problems being Andy Reid's weight to Nick Foles' shit cover, the Philadelphia Eagles have become nothing but a mockery and a shame. I cannot support a team that cannot support itself. Perhaps next season, when Reid is gone and the team is fixed whole I can respect them, but right now, I'm taking a hiatus.

Who will I be cheering for? Why of course the New England Patriots. Because they win. And their quarterback is a hunk.


Some people may say that "I can't do that" or that "I'm not a real fan" but to them I say, "DIZ IZ MURIKA!!! I DU WHT EYE VANT!?"



With a job and a new Football team, Atheist Justin is happily a pussy.

Go Pats.

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.