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Sunday, October 28, 2012

Atheistjustin's Nightmare 2 Months Before Christmas

Parties in my town are usually shitty. When I say shitty, I don't mean the regular hard brown turds that make your asshole feel good after you release it, I mean the green sticky wet kind that make your asshole moist and your stomach queasy.

If I have successfully made you feel uncomfortable, then I have succeeded in my intended plan. Also you're a pussy.

Anyway, I have to say that parties in my town usually come to 3 endings: 1. it's shut down and everyone is called a "disrespectful fuck" by the host(ess) 2. the police arrive and we have to go home 3. someone ends up crying, piss drunk, and no longer a virgin.

Though I am often invited to social gatherings, I don't love them all that much. For the most part, the music is too god damm loud and it's shitty anyway. I swear to god if I have to listen to Nicki Minaj one more time I'm going to fucking kill someone. Listening to her music is as stimulating as plugging my dick hole with cheese.

Where's my frustration coming from? I shall tell you all.

I was invited to a Halloween party last month and it was scheduled to occur yesterday. It lasted about a half hour, but I didn't even spend a second.

My plan was originally to go to this party dressed as my homie Slenderman. If you don't know who Slenderman is, I highly recommend you get off this shitty blog and go google it. Play the game for 10 minutes and try to tell me its not one of the scariest things you've ever done in your life.

I played Slenderman for a total of 30 minutes before I said, "fuck this, I'm just gonna jerk off."

Dressed as Slenderman, I was going to lurk people and scare the shit out of everyone by staring at them and saying nothing at all. After playing the rapist card for a little bit I was going to hilariously dance on the floor and touch myself. This is normally what I do at parties anyway, but this time nobody would know it was me.

Sadly, this plan never truly unfolded. The ride TO the VFW, which is where the party was hosted, was paved with sketchy scenery and an ominous feeling that you were going to be raped. The fact that the Monmouth County Maximum Prison was right across the street only added to that feeling.

Fortunately, everyone's butthole was kept intact.

Finally arriving at the rape-house, we saw a group of kids standing outside of a shack-shaped building and the sounds of shitty, shitty music. As our penises were hard and our nipples wet, we walked out of the car ready to scare, to score, and to kill someone.

But little did we know that a strange Troll-like man would accost us. Dressed in a stained T-shirt from 1998, and high socks that came up to his knees stemming from his New Balance shoes, this troll fuck became our biggest problem. Before we left to go to the party, we kept debating when to go, saying that 7:00 would be too early. We left at 8 and assumed we'd have a ball with people already there.

OF COURSE, it backfired.

The Troll-like man yelled at us, and others in the parking lot, "YOU CAN'T COME IN, WE'RE AT MAXIMUM CAPACITY AND THERE'S NO ADULT SUPERVISION."

My immediate response to this fat fuck was, "So? I was invited."

He repeated the same phrase about 8 times and some of the hostesses of the party joined him in shouting. I wanted to kill all of them. The inner Slenderman was coming out, but being a pussy, I did nothing but laugh.

What makes me laugh, even now, is that they had the balls to charge people $5 to enter. I sincerely feel bad for everyone that paid for a half hour party and if I was in charge of the party, I'd pay everyone back. No party, especially not that shit hole, is worth a dollar every 6 minutes.

As we pulled away from the parking lot I promptly screamed from the car, "FUCK YOU!! TRY WEIGHT WATCHERS!!" I still feel that wasn't enough and hopefully someone will burn that place down.

We were crushed, pissed off, and full of semen. So we went back to a friend's house to relax and figure out what the fuck happened.

Here's a good shot of how we were all feeling at this time.

Supposedly, after we left, cops came and ended the party and the entourage moved to someone else's house. Shortly after THAT transaction, everyone was kicked out. So in the end, nobody had a good night and it was an entire waste of money, gas, energy, and time. Claps for Manalapan.

When the whole excursion was over, it was decided for some girl friends of ours to come over and just chill. Smoking hookah in the basement and listening to some awful music, we made the best out of a shitty situation. Joe, my gay love, had the opportunity to get with 2 girls but did not.

I'm still pissed off at him because one of these girls has a huge ass. I'm seriously considering him gay.

All in all, this failed Halloween party was a nightmare and the only photo of Slenderman in action is here, but I'm not even lurking.

Sorry Ethan.

Hopefully this blog post cheers someone up as much as it's cheered me up. With that said, Atheistjustin out this bitch.

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.