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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Atheistjustin's Awkward Life

Now that I have "homework," it's going to take me a while to write a decent sized, decently written blogpost. I'm sure your crushed, but unless you can convince my cocaine addict teachers that homework isn't necessary every single second of your life, we're all beat.

Well, school has obviously started and I am looking forward to a year full of hard work and vigorous trial. My plan is to do my best and avoid drugs and alcohol. Something tells me however, that by the end of Junior year, I am going to become a Korean Prostitute addicted to crack.

It's going to be a great year.

I'm sure at least ONE of my faithful readers (my mom) is curious about my first day, so I'll tell her.

Let's start with acknowledging that there are some people I do not like. When it comes to all these people, there is one whom stands out. It's not polite to name names but let it be understood that this person and I were close friends.

Of course, when we were friends, I never saw them around.

But, now that things are awkward, they are literally on my bus and in 3 of my fucking classes. It's like getting stabbed with shards of broken glass.

First I got on the bus, and let me tell you how much fucking fun that was. First day: I couldn't find it. You know why? It came 15 minutes early. Perfect start to my year.

Finally arriving at school with 10 minutes extra time, I came dressed as a teacher so that I could fuck with Freshmen. Unfortunately, there was absolutely no time for Mr. Hawthorne to school some Freshmen and kick their little asses.

Class is in session, whores.

After discovering some bitch  in my first period/homeroom/hell I ventured to gym. Let me tell you that I finally got a chance to look at all the little Freshies and found that they are all below 5 feet tall. One girl in particular, is sincerely 4 feet tall. How the fuck are you all in High School?

3rd period is eh. The music teacher talks with that 'homosexual voice.' Do you know what I mean? I mean, when you're imitating a gay guy you use 'that' voice. Well, he has that voice- but is not homosexual. He has a wife.

My nipples are just as confused as you are.

Coming up after that is English. As much as I love English, I can just tell that being in honors is going to kick my ass.

Not only did I have homework the first day, but my teacher told us that in just a week, we would have to write our summer reading essays. She spends most of class talking with her eyes closed and repressing all the inner suffering she has being in her mid 40's and single.

I stumbled into AP History afterwards to find a teacher with the single most annoying voice in the history of audible sound. Her voice sounds like that high-pitched fart that comes out of your asshole after too much Peaking Pavilion.

There is absolutely nothing to like about this History teacher. Being that she is really young, some guys find her attractive, but I just find it annoying. Why is a 24 year old teaching me history when she hasn't even seen anything? I blame Mitt Romney.

I want a history teacher who has actually seen some history. Give me an old racist black guy any day. That old racist black guy probably hates my honky ass but at least he probably has some good fucking stories.

With bleeding ears, I came into my math class. Here is where we will stop for a bit and examine how amazingly awkward my life is.

First off, last year there was this very pretty blond girl I used to pass by every day on the way to first period and right after on my way to second. She was very pretty and I developed a bit of a crush on her.

One day, she liked my status for a confession.

Thinking she was a senior. now graduate, I told her of my past crush and that she was very pretty. It was 2 in the morning and I figured, "what the hell?"

Here is that very conversation.


Girl: I'm a senior...

Me: Perfect.

When I walked into Pre-Calculus, guess who was there.


Beside me in the same class is a different hot girl with whom I have absolutely no shot. Because I know how inadequate I am with attractive vagina'd creatures, I do not care about my appearance to them. My only concern is not being too annoying so they don't absolutely hate me.

I cannot pronounce her name. And because of this, I only imagine there being even more lovely encounters between she and I.

But to put a cherry on top of everything else. there is a special girl in my class.


Even though I am in a Senior course as a Junior, there is somehow a Sophomore in this class as well. Somehow, even though she has problems, she is very good at calculating math.

Just goes to show: math is retarded.

Now, she is very distracting as she cannot keep her thoughts to herself and quite frankly it's fucking distracting, awkward, and more annoying than getting crack on your shirt or getting your shirt in your crack.

Though, I suppose my favorite thing is that she wears really tight and tiny pants. Which, are inadequate at concealing her asshole. SO, being that I sit behind her, her entire asshole is shown to me and the world in broad daylight and is obviously the elephant in the room.

It's not that I find it sexually appealing at all, but it's kind of hard to not look at a retarded girl's asshole.

After seeing some asshole, I get the chance to finally get lunch. Which, by the way, is 5% more expensive because everything is now "healthier." Yeah okay. Thanks Obama.

To end my day off, I get to chill in Italian class which, I have to admit, is actually the highlight of my life. Special thanks to Becky Sorensen for wearing leggings.

School has just begun and my only question is: When the fuck is winter break and does anyone have any crack?

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.