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Thursday, September 27, 2012

Atheistjustin is not a Jew.

It perplexes me as to how people can still ask me what religion I am. My blog is atheistjustin.blogspot.com. My tumblr is imatheist.tumblr.com. My twitter is @atheistjustin and my PS3 online user name is justintheatheist. Yet still somehow, people ask me either "are you really atheist" or "aren't you Jewish?"

I will explain everything to everyone now and clear this all up like the acne on my ass. Special thanks to Neutrogena.

So, let me explain that the only reason people think I'm a Jew is because I was RAISED by Jews. You see, I lived with my grandparents for most of my life and both of them are Jewish. H

Anyway, my Grandmother converted to Judaism as soon as she could as her father was a Russian Jew. My poppa Sye, now deceased, is the only True Jew as I like to call him. When my mom and uncle were born, my uncle took the Jewish route and went to Hebrew school and had a Bar Mitzvah.

My mom, on the other hand, said "NAH NIGGA FUQ DAT NOISE I AIN'T BOUT DAT LIFE! SQUAD." That is an actual quote.

Nevertheless, when I was born, my mom was told by my Jew Grandmother that if she wanted me to be loved, I would have to be inducted into the Jew lifestyle. This includes: A briss, A menorah, and A Bar Mitzvah.

I never did the Bar Mitzvah, I said "fuck you" to Hebrew school.

I was brissed (got my dick chopped off by a scary old man) and have my own Menorah which is 9 homosexual dreidals dancing together. I promise to upload a picture when the Chanukkah shit comes in a few months.

My dad is a Roman Catholic. So eventually he said to my mom, "Look hoe, that nigga has half my cock-genes so I'm going to dip some water on his head via an old molesting priest ight?!?" Another actual quote.

My mother happily agreed to the terms and conditions (without reading them), and I was baptised at 4. Which is about 4 years late. But whatever.

Growing up in my youth, I was exposed to the Jewish and Catholic religion from both of my grandmothers. They were the most religious members of my family and promptly explained to me their beliefs and the differences of the religions.

For those of you who may also be confused here's a diagram.


CATHOLICISM
 PROS-
1.Way more fun with Christmas
2. Cool Robes
3. Gold Chains
4. Cool songs
5. You get to look at a shirtless man tied to the letter T
CONS-
1. Hell
2. Priests
3. Getting on your knees for the Lord
4. Every Sunday you have to get up at the asshole of dawn to watch 2 virgins sing some songs about how much we all should love our 'merciful' god.

JUDAISM

PROS-
1. No Hell
2. Cool Hats
3. You're a far better investor and banker

CONS-
1. Boring as shit
2. Phlegm Language
3. You can't go to the South, Middle East, or Germany in the 40's
4. The Holocaust
5. All the women look like Anne Frank
6. There are (b)(m)illions of people that want to kill you

I was always skeptical of religion and how it didn't make sense. Here are some of my questions at just age 6.

1. "Who was there writing this down?"
2. "Why didn't they just get a map to go back to Israel?"
3. "Who the fuck put Moses in charge?"
4. "Why were there slaves and why did God allow it?"
5. "If Jesus was born in Bethlehem, in the Middle East, isn't he brown?"
6. "Why can't Santa Claus be black?"
7. "If Jesus can come back to life why can't my grandpa Ernie?"
8. "Where does the Pope come from in all this?"
9. "If God knows everything, why did he even tell Adam and Eve about the apple?"
10. "Why the fuck is there a snake talking?"
11. "How many drugs did the writer of this book do?"

After years and years of having more questions with no answers, and after learning more science, I realized that there's probably no god, no afterlife, and that religion as a whole, is a lie and was used to keep ancient people from killing each other. If you disagree, I recommend you listen to some Richard Dawkins and read up on some shit.

Here's a cool fact:

There are an estimated 100 billion galaxies in the universe.

There are an estimated 200-400 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy.

That means there must be roughly 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (10 sextillion) stars in the universe.

Are you going to tell me that there is a God somewhere above all of this shit that knows the movement of every single person and every single star and every single act? Are we to believe that God can take time out of his day to stop observing the stars and the motion of light and gasses to simply watch us play a fucking football game?

Does God really watch me NOT retweet him?

Bullshit.


Atheistjustin. Please remember.





Mazel tov.

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