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Monday, August 20, 2012

Atheistjustin Has Some Hard Times

I am a sixteen-year old white kid living in middle class New Jersey. Compared to click-click-derk-derk in Ethiopia, I must say my life is pretty easy. Then again, compared to a piece of shit, Lil Wayne is a musical genius.


I've come to notice that while my life may not be covered in diarrhea and vomit, well it's pretty close.

So you're probably thinking, "this fucking kid is so annoying, why am I reading his gay blog? What 16 year old boy has a blog anyway? This fucking kid needs to be slapped."

BUT there's a slight chance someone is thinking, "hey Justin, what could possibly be wrong with your white life?"

I shall answer this question. The second one, the first question kind of involves some personal soul-searching.

Where do I begin? I guess I'll explain that while my misadventures of turmoil and hectic chaos are what STARTED this very blog with a little blog post called Spring Break, it doesn't get any better. I can't seem to catch a break and this life of mine is similar to a whirlwind of diarrhea spew.

First off, I am an Eagles fan.

If that doesn't sum it all up, then I guess you don't watch football. If there's anything the Eagles should get a trophy at, its disappointing. Our offense has a quarterback that breaks his own body parts more than the dog necks he used to break before he went to prison.

We have a coach that has a bit of a weight problem and is probably going to coach like shit since his son just killed himself. I'm sorry Reed, but I'm even more sorry for my team.

It's also really, really, really, really, hard to be an Eagles fan when everyone in your town is either a Giants or Jets fan. If you're a Cowboys fan, just get the fuck out.

On top of being an Eagle's fan, I am also heavily out of shape. I'm not fat, which is surprising when seeing all the shit I eat. But I have the physical stamina, the lung capacity, and the energy of an 80 year old smoker.

I've gotten so out of shape, that I've started running to try and boost my stamina and overall health. And I guess all these movie montages are just loads of shit because I've been running for like a week now and I still don't have a six pack OR Mila Kunis. This is fucking horse shit.

Okay so maybe being a fat piece of shit that supports Philadelphia and has no girlfriend isn't THAT bad. I'm sure Ackmahd in Saudi Arabia would trade in his life any day.

But it doesn't just stop there.

All my friends have jobs and/or other priorities and thus I haven't escaped my imprisonment of my room for all of 2 weeks and I sometimes smash a hammer in my head for pure amusement.

When you're this young, and have no car, it's pretty fucking hard getting around when you're in New Jersey and everything is separated by 5 miles of highway.

Having a mom that's more concerned about your life than Kim K is concerned about shaving her bush, also doesn't help being that I am not allowed to cross these highways.

Also, as I write this blogpost, I'm listening to Bob Dylan's All Along the Watchtower. Whoever said this guy could play the harmonica was a fucking asshole because it has caused me 3 cases of brain hemorrhaging. Bobby, put down the guitar and just let Hendrix make all of your songs 1000 times better.

I'm sure NONE of my readers understood that reference because they're fucking 16 year olds.

Maybe I'm just being a little whiny shit head. There must be people that have had WAY worse summers right?

Well, maybe they have. And maybe they can tan. You know who can't tan? THIS GUY. Yup, while I am 12% Italian, my goddamn Eastern European whores of ancestors didn't give me the genes to tan. This is bullshit, because my mom in the summer is usually darker than Muhammad from Ethiopia.

"Justin, you said your friends all have jobs, so why don't you just get one?"

Ah, I'm glad you asked me that question, Mr. voice in my head.

 You see, I did have a job. For about 3 days. A total of 11 hours. And then I got laid off.

I wasn't 'fired' I didn't fuck up terribly and then lose my job, (that would actually be a funny story) I just couldn't learn how to do it. I was supposed to be the phone guy for a pizzeria. Sadly, my boss didn't give me enough time to learn how to use the system. I wont get too into it, but the guy that has to take your order has a HARD fucking job.

Let's not forget that this was actually my first job experience and I was awkward starting anywhere, not just a pizza place in particular. Do you know how intimidating giant, sweaty Italians are?

I've applied to about 30 places, but absolutely nobody is hiring.

Wegmans was hiring and when I applied online, they sent me an automated message saying I didn't fit their qualifications. This is odd because I figured being a white person was the only qualification.

I wish I could show you the message, but I don't even have screen sharing software to do so. Because I don't have one of your fancy little Macbooks. I have an HP that I've had since '09 and its about to die from the all viruses I've put into this poor hunk of shit. Sorry computer, but I love porn.

Porn is probably the only thing that's gotten me through this summer

What else could we pile onto this shit?

School.

At the end of every adolescents' summers, there is school. It is the #1 cause of teenage suicide in America, and that is a statistic I totally just made up.

Anyway, my school has decided to implement a brand new schedule which gets rid of homeroom and makes our 1st period classes our homerooms as well. Somehow, this is supposed to add even more time to school.

This is where I load the gun and aim it at myself.

Because of this radical change, my homeroom isn't the same and now it is whatever my first period class is.

Well, I found out what my homeroom is this year, and it just so happens that a person whom I dislike immensely is in that class, and so, for the next 9 months, I will have to start my morning with them for 50 minutes.

That is when I shot myself in the leg. Missing a major artery by only inches.

Sorry for all the suicide references, it's just the best way I can get my point across.

With all this going on, I still have to finish my second summer reading book and I have to also finish mathematics work for pre-calculous that I'm starting this year. Whoopie.

It's been a rough summer and it's still not over. All I know is that school definitely won't be a picnic either and so atheistjustin is definitely going through some hard times.

Have you also got some bad summer stories to tell? Well, I don't give a fuck, so go tweet about it.

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.