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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Why I am Too Jersey for New York.

I fucking love stupid people. I love to watch them, to make fun of them, and most of all, to walk amongst them. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not one of them. I have too many ideas and too much intelligence to ever be stupid. It's a damn shame, because stupid people are great. Where does one go to find stupid people? New York City of course.

Sadly, I cannot spend too much time in New York for the reason that I am just too Jersey. There's really no way I can explain it other than that I am just too Jersey for New York. What does that mean? I'll explain.

I went to New York last Wednesday with the boy Joe Sada. It should be mentioned that Joe is in fact a Brooklyn born baby. He has more NY in him than a Harlem hooker has AIDS. When I went with him, we took a subway to the village so that we could see Flight Club and the Supreme store. The subway however, was an obstacle for me to climb over.

I not only had no idea how to properly buy a ticket, but I was very confused on how to get past the little spinney thing with metal rods. I believe the name of that contraption is a called a, "New Jersey Detector." After getting through that force field, I had to rely on Joe to figure out what train to take. I was too confused, too overwhelmed, and too Jersey.

Being that most of my readers are Manalapaners and formerly from New York, perhaps nobody will understand my problems. Nevertheless, I have more to explain.

After seeing 14,967 gay men walk down the streets of the Village (which was awesome), I found myself exhausted and thinking that it would be a long time until New York and I danced again. I was incorrect, and instead went back just the next week. This time however, I would be headed to Manhattan, the true heart of New York.

Let me just say this before I begin, FUCK MANHATTAN.

Going to the city with Nicole Wroblewski and my other homie Alice, I was already pissed off because of how difficult is has to be to just buy a damn ticket for the bus. To quote Alice's mom, "idiots." Once we were actually on ground in Manhattan, it truly was a sight to see those sky high buildings and flashing lights. It was also awesome to see all the homeless crackheads on the sides of the streets. I made a new friend with a toothless old homeless man who I'll call Macaroni because that's what he smelled like.

Here's my problem with New York, particularly Manhattan: Everyone there is a piece of asshole.

I don't mean to offend anyone, even though I am extremely offensive. Well anyway, here's a great example of why city folk suck. Alice, Nicole, and I went to a small diner not too far away from Times Square. I remember looking at the menu and seeing that even the sides were 8 dollars each. Back in Jersey, 8 dollars can at least pay for a decent turkey sammich.

I asked the waitress (whom promptly had snake bites and dyed lesbian hair) how much coffee was.

She told me 4 dollars.

I laughed, flipped over the table, shit on the floor, burned the building down, and currently have an arrest warrant.

IF A FUCKING CUP OF COFFEE COSTS 4 DOLLARS, THE GRINDS BETTER HAVE BEEN SHIT OUT BY JESUS CHRIST AND THEN BREWED BY THE DALI LAMA BECAUSE OTHERWISE, THAT FUCKING CUP OF COFFEE IS MORE OVERPRICED THAN THE KOREAN HOOKERS I CONTINUE TO USE.

In other news, I love Korean hookers. Regardless, I fucking hate that place. Even Nicole and Alice's macaroni and cheese tasted like shit. When a different waiter came around to ask how we were doing I promptly told him, "Yeah ugh.... not good. You should go get some gasoline and torch this motherfucker down to the ground."

Alright, I am embellishing a little bit, but that's what I thought in my head.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I refuse to take bullshit, and if there's one thing that New York is a master at, it is selling you bullshit. If it came down to going to the city or going out to California, I would sprint down to the Spanish ghettos in Los Angelos. After these past few debacles, I have realized that I am too Jersey to ever go back to New York. Somehow, I know that I'm going to have to go back and face the whore that is the city, but until then, I kindly give the great Empire State my elongated middle finger.




Let's go Devils.

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