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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

That Time I Dressed Up Like a Woman.

I am not gay. I cannot enunciate that enough. I promise you all, that I am a fan of the genitals on women. However, this blog post I am about to write may be used as evidence against me. So why
write it? Because, fuck you. It's funny to see me dressed as a woman isn't it?

Since I was 8, I have enjoyed acting. I remember being in 3rd grade and having to put on a miniature play in my classroom. I was an excellent performer and received an A+. After I realized my prowess, I went on to pursue other acting gigs. Sadly, I am a broke ass motherfucker and don't have a manager/head shot/fuck to give. However, I have still been fortunate enough to have had several school jobs to fulfill.

Let's start with 8th grade, the play that made me meet Nicole Anne Wroblewski, my first kiss. I'm not really sure why she thought me suitable for kissing. Especially since my character in the play Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was none other than, Grandpa fucking Joe. Before I get into my other costumes I'll just show you this little memory.

Straight Ballin'



Anyway, after having make-up on my face for the first time like that, I got used to the idea of using make-up again for comedy. The time for me to once again put make-up on did not arise again until I was 15. Just last Halloween, I conjured the greatest idea I have ever bred. I was going to be Mrs. Klumb.

Before I begin, I'd like to explain who Mrs. Klumb is. She was the greatest human being alive. She looked like a cross between a deflating Jabbah-the-hut and a raccoon. She wore enough make-up to successfully drown a rhinoceros. In addition, back in the 90's she was fired for drinking on the job when it was discovered she had a bottle of vodka in her purse. Oh yeah. Then she came back in 2006 to "teach" and was somehow allowed back into the Manalpan-Englishtown Middle School.

I use the term "teach" very loosely here. Because in her class, I did not learn one thing, except that she was fucking crazy. If you knocked on your desk, she thought it was someone at the door. If you asked her a question, she would ignore you and continue to speak absolute nonsense. Also, she was 100% oblivious to anything that happened in her vicinity. I recall hearing tales that two boys had a 'jerk-off race' in her class. When one of the contenders finally ejaculated, she asked what the sticky white goo was.

She thought it was Purrell, and cleaned it up.

Well, after not having Good ol' Mrs. Klumb for 3 years, I decided to pay homage to her and dress up like her for Halloween. My friends and family thought it would be a great idea. So my objective was to look like THIS.




My challenge was difficult. I knew that in order to match her swagger, I would require many trips to Bloomingdale's and Home Goods. But after much work, I managed to pull it off. Halloween 2011, I became Mrs. Klumb.

You have no idea how hard my mom was laughing.



I actually DID dance with heels on. And perhaps drew the most attention to myself humanly possible.



Thumbs Up.



Look how normal people dress for Halloween, and then there's me.

 
Well, as if that wasn't enough to convince all my readers that I am in fact, a raging transsexual, I had to dress up as a woman once more, for a school project.

Our assignment was to redo Shakespeare's, Julius Ceaser. We chose to do a spoof as The Real Housewives of Shakespeare. Well, the role required several boys to dress up as women and play the parts of the main characters as females. I had the pleasure of being "Danielle Ceaser."

It took us roughly a month to do the whole project and the 18 minute long video project can be found here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0OKWZKw-U0

I recommend watching just the first few minutes, before I go and get killed. Well, I actually had to dress up like a woman every single day for 3rd period English class (which was right after I had gym, so on top of being sweaty I had to reapply make-up everyday.) The look people had when the saw me walking out of the bathroom was awesome. I'll never forget the way one of the school security staff said, "never a dull day in Manalapan High School." Correct he was.

Here, is Danielle Ceaser.

Shouts out to Dan Russo in the background.


 
Well, I'm happy to say that it has been about 6 months since the last time I've had to wear ladies' clothing, but I'm not quite sure if its the last time. I mean after all, try and tell me I don't look terrific. If I ever want to become a transgender, I at least have the skills to look like one. Looks like I really am Awesome.

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.