The Not That Great Podcast

Hey assholes. Check out my new podcast here:

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

That Time I Broke Into Someone's House.

How many terrible ideas have you and your friends had? I'm guessing that throughout your life, there have probably been some pretty terrible choices. My awesome life has no exceptions. I have lived a life full of bad decisions. For example, when I was 10 and fat, I thought it would be a good idea to try and play "Ding-Dong-Ditch." I think I made it 7 steps before I got caught. Like I said, I was quite fat.

Well, like many bad ideas, there are the Queens of awful decisions. And not too long ago, I had my very own Queen.

Where do I begin? I guess I'll explain that on this day me and my friend Joe had a lovely day kissing-I mean hanging out with each other. Damn it, my delete button isn't working. Fuck. Anyway, Joe and I were searching for something to do in the evening. And since we are whores, we had nothing better to do than go to a beer pong tournament.

Thus is a great start to this story.

Well, Joe and I don't drink for the simple reason that it's stupid. I mean, if you want to than go right ahead and have a ball. I don't fucks with alcohol though. So, there wasn't really a point in going to the beer pong tournament. Joe and I figured we could at least go and spectate and just chill with some of our out-of-town friends.

I immediately began to think of how college kids in corny TV shows would cheer when people sunk a ball into a beer-filled cup. I imagined Joe and I doing the same thing, just cheering and chilling. Nope, I was wrong.

As we were on our way, we were informed that if we came to the house where said event was going to be hosted, we should look for a black car. If it was there, we were supposed to go to another girl's house, which wasn't too far away. This is where I became a bit concerned, but I just kind of brushed it off. Once, dropped off, we did in fact see a black automobile and had to go the neighboring home.

I arrived into the house with Joseph. There were a healthy amount of kids inside, perhaps 20. Around this time is when I discovered that we could not play beer pong in the house we were in. Instead, we had to use someone else's house.

What, the fuck in a hat.

I asked around to see where exactly we were going. Apparently, one of the boys at the beer pong tournament knew the garage code to someones house.

Our plan was this:

A- Split the party into 3 groups
B- Sneak through people's backyards and hop over fences to get to the house
C- Break into the house
D- Drink underage in the house
E- Get picked up from somewhere not near the house
F- Not get arrested

Oh yeah, this is bullet-proof. What could possibly go wrong?

At this point, Joe and I had serious thoughts about leaving. However, Asshole insisted that we stay because we had vaginas if we left. He said, "No good story ever starts with, 'it was crazy so I left.'" Well Asshole, most of these 'good stories' are told in jail, a place I really don't want to go.

Going against every instinct I had, I followed my group (the last group) to the house. When I say that this path was sketchy, I mean that I may as well have been going to rape someone. It was the single most unnecessary path taken by mankind. Once we were out of the backyards and woods that we were jumping through, I noticed that we easily could have just walked around the street and made a right turn.

What the fuck in a monkey.

I asked a girl why we couldn't have just walked there down the street and she informed me that, "it would be too sketchy!"

Teenagers iz so smarT.

The front door was already opened by the time my group got there, so I don't consider it breaking and entering. I consider it, "being a pussy that follows people." Once in the house, I had the opportune of seeing the house's owners. No, they weren't there because they were on vacation for a few days. However, it was impossible to not notice the family pictures placed all around the house.

Oh yeah, this wasn't some 20 year old kid that maybe my buddy happened to know. The owners had 0 idea that we were doing this and I'm pretty sure they never quite will. It's kind of like Dane Cook's skit on when he kicked in someones door when he was 18. Nonetheless, I was looking around the house and saw the family photos with the happy mom and dad and the kids.

Children are taught morals here, and we broke in, to play beer pong, underage. America.

Chatting with some other attendants , I inquired if they also realized how terrible of an idea this is. One person informed me that he was sleeping over there. Yup, just sleeping on the couch of this house. I have to say, that kid has more balls than I have ever known could exist.

Finally coming to our senses, Joe and I said fuck this. We left due to the realization that we were going out of our way just to watch beer-pong. We figured, "we may be pussies, but I don't want to go to jail so fuck you." As we left, I recall seeing a neighbor just take out the trash. It was like a living reminder of how anything could go wrong. If someone saw lights on in the house or heard too much noise, they might have just investigated and called the police.

Fortunately for everyone, the police never did show up.

Now, I don't write on this blog to sound like a bad ass. I am far from being a hard ass. If you were to compare me to Rambo, Charlie Sheen, or Obama, you would find that I have the 'badass-ness' of a block of cheese. I do, however, write on this blog to show you all how awesome I am. And if I can break into someones house and not get in any trouble whatsoever for it, well that's pretty awesome if you ask me.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Who IS Atheistjustin?

My photo
I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.