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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Fuck, I Can't Think of a Title.


The fact that I am conscious at this moment is a miracle of modern coffee. If it was not for the magical geniuses at the coffee industry, I would most likely be in a 20 hour coma. Fortunately, I currently have enough caffeine inside my body to kill an elephant. You're probably wondering why I'm so exhausted, so I'll explain.

I'd just like to point out that I stared at my computer screen for 18 minutes before I could continue writing. My brain is about as useful as a condom to a Brooklyn Hooker.

My adventure on Friday is not only still in a daze (because my brain cannot function) but is also unnecessary to my explanation. The true tale starts at Saturday. So, I was headed to a camp out to my buddy Ethan's house at about 7:30. I think I may have arrived a little before 8, but all that's important is that it was still light out and I was fully energized, as I had consumed a cup of coffee a few minutes before departing to Ethan's.

You see, we were all sleeping outside in tents in Ethan's large backyard. To be fair, this was also planned and created by his twin sister Jess, a good friend of mine. Anyway, I arrived and a mass of people were present and about socializing. I greeted them all in my usual asshole way and proceeded down to make s'mores. I was staggeringly hungry as I controlled myself throughout the day so that I could gorge myself on shitty food and wieners. By wieners, I mean hot dogs. By hot dogs, I mean penises.

People kept coming in and out. Both in my butt hole and in the camp out. Some girls arrived and stayed for only a few hours and departed. A handful of guys only could stay for a few hours as well, as they had prior obligations for Father's day. Understandable, I only wished they could have assisted me in my future adventure.

Currently, as I am writing this, my brain feels almost like Oprah is sitting on me taking a shit on me. My head may implode.

This camp out was a perfect opportunity for me to fuck with my friends and have a little fun. One of my friends, Nicole (whom is no longer my friend due to Saturday), was fucked by me so hard. I probably should word that differently, but my head is not capable of producing anything more than diarrhea vocabulary.

My first gag was poking holes through used, forgotten water bottles and spraying girls with them. I also had my homie Dustin get involved, and take my place squirting bitches behind a fence. I enjoyed hearing them shriek with wetness. Spraying girls with water bottles is the only way I can make girls wet.

Shouts out to 2Chainz for killing beats and pussy. (I'm listening to the Wild Boy remix to stay awake and keep my spirits high.)

The night proceeded with me being an asshole to people and even indulging in a few other gags, like putting marshmallows all over the girls' tents. Me so funny. My high light of the night included telling racist jokes about Jews and blacks, playing One Direction on guitar and getting girls to find me attractive for 6 seconds, and lastly, telling people about the existence of my immortal dog Gracie.

Turns out my friends don't read my blog, so telling them about Gracie was a big hit. Fuck you friends read my god damn blog.

Another highlight was when I took my pants off and proceeded to roast marshmallows using my underwear. Here is a photo of said event.

I am God.

Well as time went by, people started to get tired so some people retired to the tents. I took a screenshot of when I finally went to "sleep."

Going to sleep at 2 in the morning isn't that interesting, as a matter of fact its rather ordinary. But my slumber was not only freezing, as my blanket was a sleeping bag laid over me, but also uncomfortable as fuck because I had no pillow and therefore slept on the hard ground of earth. I wanted to die, as my back and neck felt as if Rick Ross took a nap on me.

I was disturbed at 3:30 in the morning by the sounds of Dustin and Ethan fighting over being too loud. As I looked out a small window in my tent, I realized there was a community of people still awake, just chatting it up outside. A half hour later, I took this screenshot.
This is when I was awake.
I got a rockin' 2 hours of sleep!

I was so tired that I was literally falling over myself. But I could smell an adventure like how a bear can smell menstruation. (Shouts out to Anchorman). Anyway, I was really aggravated, being disturbed in my slumber. I began to question why things looked the way they did, and what people were doing. I couldn't figure out what was happening.

Being that tired, I felt as intoxicated as Asshole. If you don't know who Asshole is, proceed to read some of my older blog posts. And then touch me.

I took a picture of myself to see what I would look like so early in the morning.

I am photogenic as fuck at 4 A.M. After some time went by I proceeded to awake more and became less agitated by the sound of Nicole's loud, piercing Jew voice. About an hour after staring off into the distance trying to sleep while sitting up, I went around back to see Ethan and Dustin, the homies. They were of course wide-awake, since those bitches are the reasons why I was up anyway.

Joe was awake at first, but around 5:30 he fell asleep because he is not a real man like me. Dustin, Ethan, and I realized that we were only minutes away from watching the sun rise. Yep, we were up that fucking early that we could watch THE SUN RISE.

You're probably wondering where the sun is. Well, it was cloudy and started to rain, so I couldn't even get a chance to see that. As I staggered back to the tents with the boys, we retired to the last tent that had people awake. I figured at this point, that my 2 hour nap was all I was going to have throughout the day. I figured we would all just get up soon and have coffee and watch some shitty Sunday TV.

Nope. They fell asleep.

I couldn't scavenge a blanket or a pillow, as there was none nearby. So I at first cuddled into a small ball with myself because nobody loves me. Then, after 45 minutes, I realized this was not bringing me to sleep. So, I went to Joe's tent and T-bagged him. Afterwards, I took a blanket laying beside him.

Finally, around 7:30 I fell asleep again.Then at 8 O'clock, my mom texted me that she was on her way to get me. In total so far, I got a rockin' 2.5 hours of sleep. And it was Fathers day.

When I got into the car, my mom asked me if I was high on drugs. After staring at her for 16 minutes, I finally realized she asked me a question, and then informed her that I was running on a scarce amount of sleep. She had 0 fucks to give, and then told me we had to go to CVS to get/sign cards. At this point, I was contemplating jumping out of the car and into the ditch, because the hole in the ground looked very warm, inviting, and cozy.

At CVS, I wanted to kill everyone. As I was 'picking out cards' I thought of possible ways I could self induce a coma. Here are some thoughts:

"What if I just stopped breathing for a few minutes and passed out?"
"What if I burned this whole place down?"
"What if I just got into a stranger's car and had them whisk me away to a nice bed where I could nap?"
"Maybe I'll just kill the clerk and then sleep in the jail cell."
"I have to pee. Sorry underwear."

Fortunately, my mom was done picking out cards in 20 minutes and I was able to leave with my 2 cards: A card with a dog on it and a card written completely in Spanish. I can't speak Spanish.

At about 10 I fell back into my bed and collided into a harsh sleep.

Then at 10:30 my mom woke me up because I had to go have breakfast with the family. At this point, I was ready to kill my mom. Fortunately for all of us, I lacked the coordination and energy to do so. Running on a solid 3 hours of sleep, I survived the day on 6 cups of coffee . With that much caffeine in my soul I was able to tackle Father's day and take care of 5 little kids.

My favorite part is that right after all this, tomorrow I have finals.

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