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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Justin and the Rapper.

Wednesday was a good day, I have to be honest. I slept all day and had an enjoyable dream about my ex-girlfriend and then proceeded to chill with my homies. We later had a party and thus walked over as it was not too far away. Though I got us lost 2 times, I was able to successfully navigate me and my homies to the party, only 2 hours late.

On the way there, we saw a snake just chilling out on the sidewalk like, "hey bitches, I'm a snaaaaake." I thought it was a huge pile of dog shit at first, but once it moved towards us and hissed a little, we were the ones shitting. Noah's dumb ass ran straight into a sprinkler. I'm pretty sure Matt will no longer be the same after the walk as the event seems to have tragically altered his being. Then again dealing with a 7 foot snake can be life changing, just ask Rihanna about sex with Chris Brown.

Once we got there the place was packed with different kinds of people. There were those asshole skaters with gauges and face piercings and long hair. There were tool bags with huge arms wearing tank-tops. And last but not least there were people just looking to party. I was in the group of, "hey, I have a blog."

At this fiesta, I attempted to score with some ladies and came to a tragic fall. As I am unlucky and unattractive, I failed at getting any action for that night. Actually, I did in fact get a lot of action, but not any of the action I was looking for.

I made some friends at this congregation of teenagers. There was tank-top guy whom kept telling me he "had my back no matter what, WERE BOYS NOW." There was Dan, whom was the coolest motherfucker of all time. I honestly thought he was 26 when I saw him, but he informed he was just 18. Still though, he was clutch as fuck. In addition to them, I made friends with someone whom was telling me about his police record. Did you know throwing eggs with swastikas on them at a house is a hate crime? Me neither. Oh police and their laws.

While I did have a great amount of fun just chilling out with some new friends and even some old ones I haven't seen in a while, I suppose the best person of all was the Rapper.
I don't know his real name, and I really don't want to. So let's just call him the Rapper. Well, before I begin I should tell you that the first thing I heard him say was, "Yoo.... WHERE the GIRLSSSSS aT?!"  He was extremely intoxicated and had the voice of an arrogant, really pissed off alcoholic. His voice was way too mature to be in his teens so I'm going to have to presume that this guy was at least 20.

When I heard this, I thought nothing of it. For the guy/girl ratio was not favorable that night. Oh but how incorrect was I.

The night went on and I returned to the area that the Rapper was in because my friends were in the same vicinity. This is where he began rapping. He proceeded to go on endlessly rapping about pussy, alcohol, his swag, and some other mumbling I couldn't really decipher. Brilliant lyricism if you ask me. Noah kept edging him on to continue rapping since he found it hilarious. Noah was completely fucking with him, but the Rapper was too drunk to realize.

As time went on, he continued to rap more and more and more. I rapped alongside him at a much better pace, with much better lyrics, and with a higher vocabulary. It was around this point that I saw a bit of an attitude shift between us. I think he became predatorial and angry that I was better than him at his talent. This is where the fun began.

I left his side and began to inform him that I was going to draw him a crowd, even though he had done an impressive job of getting 8 people to laugh at his drunk ass himself. Noah and Joe were unfortunately gone now because they wanted to talk to someone that could use words longer than 5 letters. At this point in time the Rapper was literally so drunk that he was washing down Svedka with more Svedka. You know what an alcoholic rapper falling over himself needs? MORE ALCOHOL!!!!

Well, I did not know Mr. Rapper and thus was unaware that he has a bit of a temper. When I came back with 2 other girls (who fucking died at this guy) he was not amused. He stopped swaying drunkenly and asked, "You makin' fun of me?"

Oh fuck.

He caught on. Even though for the past 30 minutes EVERYONE was dying at his antics, only I was caught. Apparently, I had gone over the line of fuckery for this guy. And here is where I ran into a bit of a problem. He proceeded to goad me into fighting him.

"So YOU THINK yer funny!? YER naWt FUNNeeeeeE!!!?"

Blank stare.

"LEMMmeee Get a cR0wd!!! YEAH yeAH YoooOU THnnnK YeR FUnnY!"

I glanced over at Matt. He too was dumbfounded.

"YeeeER NOT FUNNY!!! Yerrrr nAwt funeeeeeEEE!!!!"

This is where I realized there was going to be a debacle. Now, I knew that if I did fight this alcoholic rapper, that I would win. Not only was he unable to stand properly, let alone coordinate punches, but he was also heavily outnumbered. If I engaged in combat with this drunk ninja, he may have died. Like I mentioned previously, I made about 6 friends all of whom were well built and almost seemed to be itching for a fight.

This guy would have died, as he was not only fat and sluggish, but he was drunker than my dad on Memorial Day '09. He may have had one black friend with a huge afro, but I don't think he would have even been involved.

"Therrrre's abouT to be sUM Problemmmmzzz!!"

So my choice was either: get involved in the murder of an angry alcoholic OR simply walk away and let him deal with the hangover tomorrow morning. I, being a pussy, took the high road and decided it'd probably be better for everyone if I just left his vicinity.

As I left, the last thing I remember him saying was, "yeaHH I dropped Outta Brookdale but I still REPrezzent! Still reppin' Brookdale!!!!"

God Bless Svedka.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Fuck, I Can't Think of a Title.


The fact that I am conscious at this moment is a miracle of modern coffee. If it was not for the magical geniuses at the coffee industry, I would most likely be in a 20 hour coma. Fortunately, I currently have enough caffeine inside my body to kill an elephant. You're probably wondering why I'm so exhausted, so I'll explain.

I'd just like to point out that I stared at my computer screen for 18 minutes before I could continue writing. My brain is about as useful as a condom to a Brooklyn Hooker.

My adventure on Friday is not only still in a daze (because my brain cannot function) but is also unnecessary to my explanation. The true tale starts at Saturday. So, I was headed to a camp out to my buddy Ethan's house at about 7:30. I think I may have arrived a little before 8, but all that's important is that it was still light out and I was fully energized, as I had consumed a cup of coffee a few minutes before departing to Ethan's.

You see, we were all sleeping outside in tents in Ethan's large backyard. To be fair, this was also planned and created by his twin sister Jess, a good friend of mine. Anyway, I arrived and a mass of people were present and about socializing. I greeted them all in my usual asshole way and proceeded down to make s'mores. I was staggeringly hungry as I controlled myself throughout the day so that I could gorge myself on shitty food and wieners. By wieners, I mean hot dogs. By hot dogs, I mean penises.

People kept coming in and out. Both in my butt hole and in the camp out. Some girls arrived and stayed for only a few hours and departed. A handful of guys only could stay for a few hours as well, as they had prior obligations for Father's day. Understandable, I only wished they could have assisted me in my future adventure.

Currently, as I am writing this, my brain feels almost like Oprah is sitting on me taking a shit on me. My head may implode.

This camp out was a perfect opportunity for me to fuck with my friends and have a little fun. One of my friends, Nicole (whom is no longer my friend due to Saturday), was fucked by me so hard. I probably should word that differently, but my head is not capable of producing anything more than diarrhea vocabulary.

My first gag was poking holes through used, forgotten water bottles and spraying girls with them. I also had my homie Dustin get involved, and take my place squirting bitches behind a fence. I enjoyed hearing them shriek with wetness. Spraying girls with water bottles is the only way I can make girls wet.

Shouts out to 2Chainz for killing beats and pussy. (I'm listening to the Wild Boy remix to stay awake and keep my spirits high.)

The night proceeded with me being an asshole to people and even indulging in a few other gags, like putting marshmallows all over the girls' tents. Me so funny. My high light of the night included telling racist jokes about Jews and blacks, playing One Direction on guitar and getting girls to find me attractive for 6 seconds, and lastly, telling people about the existence of my immortal dog Gracie.

Turns out my friends don't read my blog, so telling them about Gracie was a big hit. Fuck you friends read my god damn blog.

Another highlight was when I took my pants off and proceeded to roast marshmallows using my underwear. Here is a photo of said event.

I am God.

Well as time went by, people started to get tired so some people retired to the tents. I took a screenshot of when I finally went to "sleep."

Going to sleep at 2 in the morning isn't that interesting, as a matter of fact its rather ordinary. But my slumber was not only freezing, as my blanket was a sleeping bag laid over me, but also uncomfortable as fuck because I had no pillow and therefore slept on the hard ground of earth. I wanted to die, as my back and neck felt as if Rick Ross took a nap on me.

I was disturbed at 3:30 in the morning by the sounds of Dustin and Ethan fighting over being too loud. As I looked out a small window in my tent, I realized there was a community of people still awake, just chatting it up outside. A half hour later, I took this screenshot.
This is when I was awake.
I got a rockin' 2 hours of sleep!

I was so tired that I was literally falling over myself. But I could smell an adventure like how a bear can smell menstruation. (Shouts out to Anchorman). Anyway, I was really aggravated, being disturbed in my slumber. I began to question why things looked the way they did, and what people were doing. I couldn't figure out what was happening.

Being that tired, I felt as intoxicated as Asshole. If you don't know who Asshole is, proceed to read some of my older blog posts. And then touch me.

I took a picture of myself to see what I would look like so early in the morning.

I am photogenic as fuck at 4 A.M. After some time went by I proceeded to awake more and became less agitated by the sound of Nicole's loud, piercing Jew voice. About an hour after staring off into the distance trying to sleep while sitting up, I went around back to see Ethan and Dustin, the homies. They were of course wide-awake, since those bitches are the reasons why I was up anyway.

Joe was awake at first, but around 5:30 he fell asleep because he is not a real man like me. Dustin, Ethan, and I realized that we were only minutes away from watching the sun rise. Yep, we were up that fucking early that we could watch THE SUN RISE.

You're probably wondering where the sun is. Well, it was cloudy and started to rain, so I couldn't even get a chance to see that. As I staggered back to the tents with the boys, we retired to the last tent that had people awake. I figured at this point, that my 2 hour nap was all I was going to have throughout the day. I figured we would all just get up soon and have coffee and watch some shitty Sunday TV.

Nope. They fell asleep.

I couldn't scavenge a blanket or a pillow, as there was none nearby. So I at first cuddled into a small ball with myself because nobody loves me. Then, after 45 minutes, I realized this was not bringing me to sleep. So, I went to Joe's tent and T-bagged him. Afterwards, I took a blanket laying beside him.

Finally, around 7:30 I fell asleep again.Then at 8 O'clock, my mom texted me that she was on her way to get me. In total so far, I got a rockin' 2.5 hours of sleep. And it was Fathers day.

When I got into the car, my mom asked me if I was high on drugs. After staring at her for 16 minutes, I finally realized she asked me a question, and then informed her that I was running on a scarce amount of sleep. She had 0 fucks to give, and then told me we had to go to CVS to get/sign cards. At this point, I was contemplating jumping out of the car and into the ditch, because the hole in the ground looked very warm, inviting, and cozy.

At CVS, I wanted to kill everyone. As I was 'picking out cards' I thought of possible ways I could self induce a coma. Here are some thoughts:

"What if I just stopped breathing for a few minutes and passed out?"
"What if I burned this whole place down?"
"What if I just got into a stranger's car and had them whisk me away to a nice bed where I could nap?"
"Maybe I'll just kill the clerk and then sleep in the jail cell."
"I have to pee. Sorry underwear."

Fortunately, my mom was done picking out cards in 20 minutes and I was able to leave with my 2 cards: A card with a dog on it and a card written completely in Spanish. I can't speak Spanish.

At about 10 I fell back into my bed and collided into a harsh sleep.

Then at 10:30 my mom woke me up because I had to go have breakfast with the family. At this point, I was ready to kill my mom. Fortunately for all of us, I lacked the coordination and energy to do so. Running on a solid 3 hours of sleep, I survived the day on 6 cups of coffee . With that much caffeine in my soul I was able to tackle Father's day and take care of 5 little kids.

My favorite part is that right after all this, tomorrow I have finals.

Who IS Atheistjustin?

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I am Never Wrong. I am Awesome. I do NOT eat ass.