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Thursday, May 24, 2012

My Doggiez.

When I was 10 years old my first dog, Samson, died by drowning to death in a pool. For most kids, this would probably be a devastating event in their lives. I remember that my sister and even my step mom were absolutely broken up about this. You know what I said? "What a waste of money."

As you can see I'm not overly compassionate about animals. Looks like I'm not joining PETA. However, to this day I have 2 dogs in replacement of Samson, and well, I fucking hate them. Well, I only hate one of them, the other dog is just fat and lazy.

I'll explain that after Samson died my step mom was really upset about what happened and my dad bought a brand new pug puppy to replace Samson. He was cute and little and cuddly back in his younger days. Now, that little fucker doesn't do shit but bark and bite and shed everywhere. This is the dog I hate. There's not much I can really say about him other than that his name is Tyson because since he's so small, we thought it would be ironic to name him Tyson after the boxer.

It's due to Tyson's loneliness one Summer that my family decided to get another dog so that Tyson would have some company. Our newest edition to our family was Gracie. This dog is probably immortal. She is awesome. This where hilarity ensues.

Gracie is a rescue animal, she was used for breeding baby pugs and was mistreated. Now I know this is sad, but it somehow resulted in her losing her lower jaw. Oh yeah, this dog doesn't have a bottom jaw. This means her tongue constantly hangs out of her face, at all times. She is physically incapable of keeping her tongue in her mouth. Tell me that's fucking hilarious.

In addition to her 7 inch tongue constantly drooping out of her face, she is also overweight even though we feed her less. Oh and to feed Gracie, we have to mix the dog food with water so she can eat it without chewing cause well... no jaw. But if there's too much water then she could drown and die. This dog is already awesome.

So you have this over weight, tongue hanging, 11 year old pug. Now, this dog is so overweight and old that whenever she moves, which is only two times a day, she makes this loud moaning noise that sounds like a chicken being strangled. I really wish there was some way I could properly convey to you how hilarious this noise is, but sadly, that age in technology has not arrived.

Recently, some amount of months ago, Gracie had a minor stroke. This somehow resulted in her head being stuck in a constant diagonal because I'm sure something in her body now doesn't work anymore.

My favorite super power of Gracie is that she sleeps on her side with her eyes wide open. So whenever she sleeps, she looks like she's dead. And since she's a heavy sleeper, you generally have to kick her 5 or 6 times to see if she's still alive or not. Every time though, there's really no assurance that she will actually get up.

As if all these details weren't great enough, she is also prone to frequent ear infections which smell rancid.

And when Gracie sheds, she sheds in clumps. If you run your hand down Gracie's back, or try to pet her at all, you will be absolutely covered in her hair.

Gracie's Super Powers
1- Obesity
2- Constant Hanging Tongue
3- Awkward Sleeping Position
4- Diagonal-Head-Creating Strokes
5-Smelly Ears
6- Super Shedding Abilities

Obviously, this dog is fucking immortal.

What could a dog like this look like? Well here you go.

Gracie Mae Hoffmann passed away over the summer. She was 15 years old, or 105 in dog years. Cause of death: God realized he forgot to kill her like 10 years ago and took care of the job.


  1. Great blog and great sense of humor.
    Girst time reader/poster.
    I'm currently the owner of a 12 year old $10 cat, that I've 'invested' upwards of $15K in thus far. (no shit). If my 17 year old daughter didn't 'love the cat' so much. I think I would have 'accidentally' left a door open years ago.
    I like the photo, it reminds me of a George Booth cartoon.

  2. Love your humor and writing style. This is a great read.


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