The Not That Great Podcast

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Friday, May 4, 2012

Brandon.

There are two types of funny people in the world. There are people like me that make sarcastic witty comments and use vocabulary to make people laugh. And then there are people that just look funny. Seriously, there are people that can just walk around and live their lives and its fucking hilarrrrrrrrious. I am not one of these people, but a short little freshman on my bus by the name of Brandon is.

Noah can also be categorized under this group, but that's only because he's Jewish.

Anyway, Brandon is funny because he's not necessarily the brightest. Okay, so he's an idiot. But it's fucking hysterical. Now, I'm not making fun or 'bullying' this kid. I sincerely like Brandon and wish I could follow him around with a camera. Sadly, I do not have his permission. Oh well.

So last week I was on the bus heading home and Brandon was with us in the back. Now, Brandon never comes into a conversation with anything important or of value. As a matter of fact, Brandon doesn't even stay on topic. He just kind of says whatever is on his mind. He just spreads rumors that are 100% false and makes interesting tales spiral out of his mouth.

On this particular day, Brandon felt the need to inform us that "Gorillas are the smartest animals." This right off the bat should pretty much explain who Brandon is. My friend, Alex, chimed in and couldn't allow Brandon's misinformation to pursue any longer. The conversation ensued like this:

"No Brandon, Dolphins are the smartest animals."

"No! Dolphins can't even sit!"

"What..."

"If you tell a dolphin to sit, it won't understand. It's not like a dog that can speak human."

"Brandon, dogs do not speak human they just learn commands."

"But gorillas learn the most commands."

"No Brandon-"

"Okay monkeys!" (As if monkeys and Gorillas are not the same thing)

"Brandon that's the same thing."

"You know there was a monkey that learned how to talk. His name was Koko!"

"Koko was a lab monkey that was trained for 12 years."

"YOU KNOW KOKO?!" (As if Alex knew Koko personally.)

"No Brandon, its common knowledge."

"I watched a documentary on Koko once. It was good."

At this particular moment I was laughing so hard I couldn't even control my bladder. A little bit of pee actually came out. This is right around where Alex said he couldn't wait to drive. Then Brandon replied with this:

"When you get a license they drug test you right?!"

Alex's eyes just stared at Brandon, completely shocked that this type of question was even fathomable.

"Yes Brandon. They also make you drink a gallon of horse semen."\

"REALLY!? I don't want to drink that!"

Hopefully, this will just be one of many Brandon stories I can tell you about. I really, really hope so.


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