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Sunday, April 15, 2012

Weekend Swag.

Before I begin another post, I'd just like to thank the masses for their support. Seriously though, I've gotten a few texts and mentions from people and I'd like to thank all my readers out there. All 13 of you rock. Anyway, I don't know how much I'll write in here, whether it be a weekly thing or a monthly thing. I have no idea. I'm sure you're all crying as much as I did at the end of Titanic. Wait... what..


Anyway, this weekend was similar to my spring break in that it was similar to diarrhea juice after being left in a warm toilet for 3 days. Yeah, simply put it was interesting. Friday I found myself in school bored and in the media center 3 times. Fantastic. After going to the gym (those abs are TOTALLY coming in and not fat at all... jk) I showered and packed my bag and psychologically prepared myself for the weekend. This normally involves 15 minutes of me crying in the fetal position while listening to Adele. Hey, Adele is the shit. Don't hate.


So Friday I went to my buddy Noah's as I normally do on weekends. So far so good. After Joe arrived we pondered what we were going to do that night. After enjoying a nice order of sushi that's not enhanced with MSG, we decided on bowling. Three dudes going out bowling together on a Friday night? Nothing straighter. We went, realizing how gay it was, and figured it would be at least fun. I have to admit, it was enjoyable. Turns out though, I'm fucking horrible at bowling.


I am literally so shitty at all sports and activities that even the Indian children next to me were kicking my ass at bowling. I'm not even kidding, 4 year old kids had a higher score than I did. After ending on a high score of 25/300, we started another round. Once again, I was fucking horrendous. Looks like my aspirations of joining the bowling team is gone. Damn, I was really looking forward to a varsity jacket. Frowny face.

I'm not sure when, but I imagine by 10:30-10:45 we were done and realized we needed something else to do. Since the bowling alley was right across from my neighborhood, I knew that a CVS was right down the road. So, me and my friends, one of us on crutches, walked down route 33 and passed by a few open fields and run down houses that looked a lot they were filmed for Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I was almost positive we were going to be raped and killed by some sort of deranged killer. Thanks a lot Dick Wolf.

Finally reaching the Walgreens, which I shit you not is right next to the CVS, we peered inside hoping it was open. It was not, so I screamed, "FUCK WALGREENS" as loud as I could. Fuck that place, I should have peed on the side. I did not. Anyway, we found ourselves in the CVS finding junk food to eat. After enjoying a hearty meal of pop-tarts, cheese puffs, and skittles, we called a cab and left.

Now let me explain to you how transportation works for my group of friends. I am only 15 and don't have my permit, nor do I have the ability to test for it until May. My other buddy Joe is still working on getting his and Noah was supposed to back in February but due to his surgery won't be able to until probably May. Poor fuckers. So since we are without the ability to drive ourselves, we have to rely on parents. That sucks because you have a curfew, generally 11. But half of the time we don't want to leave at 11, we want to seem important and cool and stay out late, so we call cabs.

The problem with cabs in New Jersey is that not only are they ridiculously over priced, but either you get an old man that hates his life and day dreams about getting into a head on collision OR you get a cool guy. Guess which guy we got Friday night?

So after Mr. Imafiftyyearoldcabdriverthathatesyou dropped us off, Joe and I passed out on the couch at around 2.

At 7 I woke up, passed out. Got up again at 8:30, passed out. Got up at 9:45, peed, passed out. At about 10:52 Noah shouted, "GET THE FUCK UP ASSHOLE" and I arose like a zombie out of Barbara Streisand's vagina. Unable to function nor think properly, I stumbled upstairs and was able to make myself a cup of coffee. Keep in mind, in the morning I have the cognitive skills of a 3 year old.

About 45 minutes later we headed to Keyport NJ to see some thrift shops. You see, me and Noah are part of the movement where we get cheap shit from the thrift store to sell for way too much money. Noah likes to buy shitty snap backs and uses the snaps to customize others. It's pretty cool actually. Anyway, after our ventures I bought: A Stephen King Book (10 cents), a bible (10 cents), a pair of cargo shorts (1 dollar), a beanie (50 cents), a Hawaiian shirt (1 dollar), a belt (free), and a ridiculously tight Phillies tank top (1 dollar). I finally know what it feels like to be Mexican now.

Heading back home with a statuette of Moses (Noah's dad bought it for 8 dollars, I thought it was awesome) we stopped into a little Asian restaurant called, "Kicky's." With a name like Kicky's I was envisioning fat white people to be working there with funny hats and collared shirts. Instead, I saw a fat Asian man with blue glasses and a lesbian hair cut as he seated us. God damn I love Keyport.

We finished eating and picked up my buddy Matt from his house. When we got back to Noah's house, I threw my new clothes into the wash as they most likely had lice and yeast all over them. Matt cut my hair as he always does and thankfully didn't make me look like a Nazi or a lesbian, this is a first. Joe got himself a nice box up and a shitty fade. He looks a lot like Drake, if Drake was Italian... and 16.... and 5'8''... okay so he looks nothing like Drake.

After we changed clothes and me and Matt, or Gay Lover as I call him, kissed each other tenderly, we headed out to our friend's house. Here I met up with Asshole and Slaphappy again.

We get there and a hookah bong is set up and bottles of vodka are around. Well being that I never drink or do anything illegal, I was pretty sure how this night was gonna be. And so the drinking began and I casually chatted with people as I sipped on ginger-ale. God damn I'm a cool motherfucker. Anyway it wasn't too long until Asshole and Slaphappy showed up. But they also brought along misses "I NEVER throw up!" Woohoo!

As you can imagine, some time went by and that very girl happened to throw up herself. Now it's a party. So that girl and her friends went to the bathroom to go assist with the vomit in her hair. Oh yeah, it was that awesome of a night. Now, the girl was vomiting for a long time, or at least she was in the bathroom for about an hour and a half. Eventually, the boys had to pee. Both Slaphappy and Asshole.

Well, they can't go to the bathroom since Mrs. Ineverthrowup is in the bathroom and its too crowded with all the girls. So what can we do? Well, looks like we have to pee in a cup. Oh yeah, I'm not even fucking kidding right now. So they pee in a cup and guess who has to get rid of it? That's right, THIS GUY. I should be awarded for, King of Getting Himself Into Shitty Situations. In all honesty, I volunteered to. Not because I want to, I don't have a pee fetish, but because I knew nobody else would. And I REALLY didn't want a cup of urine in the room. So yeah I dumped it out.

In addition, I helped clean up a little vomit. I am a nice guy in some situations and this was one of those times.

I thought that would be the only time I'd ever have to pour out a cup of piss out. Unfortunately, I was incorrect in this assumption. SWAG. Asshole peed yet again in another cup but this time he thought he was capable of being able to pour it out the window. Well, the windows had screens that couldn't be opened so that wasn't happening. But, he didn't know this and Asshole accidentally spilled some on his hand, the floor, and the cup. WOOHOO!!. I then had to take said cup and rest it on the ground. I then retreated to the bathroom to throw out the pee and wash my hands extensively. At this point, I had contemplated scheduling a session for a therapist. Then I realized I had a blog that I could just write this all down in. Fuck you
therapy!

Finally, at around 12:30, we called a cab and left. Asshole and Slaphappy left and I was with just Noah, Joe, and Gay Lover again. We actually got a cool cab driver too named Chris who we had before. He was fucking hilarious. Once at home, we gorged ourselves on junk food since we didn't have dinner and hadn't eaten since Kicky's.

Around 2 in the morning, we fell asleep. I went home Sunday and wrote this post. Pardon me now, as I go into a 3 day coma.

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